I don't know when we all take a look at ourselves and say where did things go wrong. I never shop for clothes unless I have to. I never look in the mirror except in the morning to put my make-up on, that was it. I hated myself. I really couldn't tell you why. At the age of 35, I did some searching. Growing up my mom would say "you will never be the pretty one." HUH! "You wrecked my life the day I found I was pregnant with you." Hum!
I moved out the day I turned 18 and graduated. I moved in with a guy I thought I loved. I worked a full time job and went to nursing school. What I needed was someone to fix. I made it through LPN but he took my money so I couldn't test and so couldn't get my license. Later, he became very controlling. He started making me work while he went out and spent our money. He said he was going to see other people (swing) and he wanted me to do this too, and he was picking partners. He started doing drugs really bad. If I tried to leave he would find me and kill me. The day I found out that I was pregnant I picked a fight. He got so mad he left. That was my chance to leave so I did. I filed for divorce.
I had to get another job. A man kept harassing me at work, joking around so much I started to smile. Pretty soon I was not scared. We soon married but no matter what this man said I never felt worthy enough to be with him. He took care of me and my son, and he thought I was beautiful. I soon got pregnant again. We soon married. We found ourselves with two kids, one job and really not enough money. So I thought about getting my LPN license. My husband paid for the test and after 8 years I passed. Wow.
Things started to look up. We went to go buy a house and found that my ex had taken my social security number and racked up almost $50,000 of bills. Can anyone say bankruptcy? So we fought back from that. It has been 5 years from that. In Dec 2004 I was working. I thought I pulled a back muscle, boy was I wrong. I came home and went to bed. I slept for hours. If it was not for my dad waking me up I would have been dead in hours. I could not move from my neck down. They rushed me to the hospital. I had an abscess on my spine. I spent almost 3 weeks in ICU. After 1-1/2 years of therapy, I'm recovered, kind of. I go back to a low impact type work and guess what I am diagnosed with? Fibromylgia.
So now no job again. Then my husband has a chance to go into biz with a friend that can change everything. They were 5 days away from signing papers with the guy out of Mississippi and we get a call that he was murdered. My husband had just quite his job half an hour earlier. Right then and there I decided I am not leaving with any regret anymore. I want people to know I love them. I don't want to hold myself back in anything I do. I want to get to know my body. My wants and needs. As we move through our lives we all move fast. We don't wave hi to anyone any more. We don't slow down to notice the small things going on around us until it is too late. I was doing that. It was always, well, when we get through this...Or I was doing something with the kids and thinking about five other things I should be doing. Not any more. If I am having a conversation with you, then I am going to give you all of my attention. I am going to act like I am a beautiful person because I am one. I challenge everyone to try at least 1-5 times a day or more to do the same. Step out of your box.