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Touch your dang wiener, or how am I writing this if I'm blind?

Touch your dang wiener, or how am I writing this if I'm blind? thatscomedy.com
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I certainly hope that any male browsing through SexIs knows the joys of masturbation, if not you should be masturbating. Male masturbation has many physical, emotional, and even sexual benefits. You can trust me on this, I've been doing it since I was twelve. I've practically got a PhD in waxing the dolphin. (Warning this article will contain several euphemisms for spanking the monkey.)

  Masturbating correctly, for fun and profit! (there is a limited number of ways to masturbate for profit, I don't really suggest either of them)

Monkeys can figure out that hand + penis = Awesome. I likely don't need to tell you that touching yourself in the right way is something most of us figured out on our own without help. But like most things you learned yourself, you start to wonder if you're doing it right? To my female readers you've likely already noticed this article is not geared at you, and for that I am sorry. I'll see if I can get my partner to write one for you. All these tips are geared for the penis, but if you would like to know how to give a better hand job, keep reading I suppose.

Lubrication

When I first started playing five against one, I quickly learned that friction was not my friend. Yes the same action of rubbing my hands together for warmth that saved me through many a morning waiting for the bus was not my friend here. I figured spitting in my hand fixed this issue and that was good enough. However, it's not really good enough. You're constantly having to do this over and over again while working towards climax. After awhile Lubriderm became my best friend all through high school. Even though I played football, people always commented on how soft my hands were. This kills two birds with one stone I suppose. I always had the reapplying issue here too though. See, lotion is designed to absorb into your skin, which it does. Using too much lotion can actually make your skin too soft. This is not good when we are talking about skin that is already soft. Thankfully these days we have the internet. This makes two things regarding masturbation much easier: never must I ride the great white knuckler to the underwear models in the Sears catalog, and I can easily get lubricants thanks to Eden Fantasys. Lubricants are not designed to absorb into your skin, nor do they wear out too quickly, so you can focus on getting the job done rather than reapplying what ever you're using to jerk your gherkin. Most lubes are fairly cheap, and they don't require much to just flog your dolphin. Eden sells several brands. Find out what's best for you.

Technique

I know what you're thinking. "Allen I already know how to pull my pud, thanks?" You're right. It's pretty strait forward. Also I can read your mind. Just because you have the basic idea of how to get the job done, doesn't mean it's the best way. Sure I could build a house with a hammer and nothing else, but is that really the best way to do it, and would you want to live in the house when I am done? Like anything else, there is a proper way to date Pamela Handerson.

Use both hands.

You like when your partner squeezes your balls a little, why not do it yourself? It seems terribly reasonable doesn't it, but many people never do it. They just have one hand on the shifter and that's good enough. Squeezing your balls, and massaging your taint will go a long way to enjoying your experience much more. Let's be honest, we spend a lot of time doing this, make the most of it. So step one, use both hands.

Don't focus on the obvious.

Massage the head with the palm of your hand between strokes, switch up speeds, and change pressure in your strokes. Your hand is extremely good at simulating coitus. If something you know you like during sex stimulates you, figure out how to do it when you masturbate.

Fleshlights don't bite.

Okay sure, sometimes they seem a bit alien. These toys are one of the highest selling pocket pussys on the market for a reason. They feel really good, you can change the suction on them and textures between the toys, they feel fairly realistic and last a very long time. When you are using a masturbatory device like this, clean up is very important. Toy cleaner and warm soap and water need to be used after each use. Don't leave your sailors sitting in one...it's just gross and it will smell. Stop masturbating into socks...that's just freaking gross.

Read a Book!

Humans have existed for a long time, and have likely been fighting the one eyed dinosaur since day one. There are guides, books, and tips to masturbating everywhere. Read them, it's important for your health, as we will discuss shortly.

  Is masturbation right for me? The health benefits of jerking it.

Male masturbation has several serious health benefits. I just want to go over some of the biggest ones very quickly in this article because I am not a licensed health care professional. The internet is loaded with reasons you should be fucking Rosey Palms, and her five sisters. I've weeded through the garbage and pulled out ones that were tested, observed, or proven by scientific and medical professionals.

Masturbating prevents prostate cancer.

That's right boys and girls. Regular healthy clown boxing will help prevent you from getting prostate cancer later in life. Researchers in Australia (a country known for it's excessive manliness) discovered that having five healthy self lovin sessions a week greatly reduced the risk of prostate cancer in men. If you needed an excuse, that is a pretty damn good one.

Prevents Depression

Once again the thing you've been doing since your early teens is one of the healthiest things you can do for your general state of well being. Seminal plasma components stimulate interleukin-8 and interleukin-10 release. What that means is that playing the skin flute releases the chemicals in your body that helps you from getting depressed. It also keeps you from getting stressed out and improves your skin. How awesome is that?

Keeps you from getting sick

According to R. W. Kelly, a doctor from the University of Edinburgh Centre for Reproductive Biology, UK, when your body needs to replace your seminal fluids, it boosts the same parts of the body that have to make the chemicals to keep up your white blood cells, thereby producing more healthy white blood cells, making you less likely to catch the flu every year. I'm fairly positive this doesn't mean you can choke the chicken to immortality, but it is certainly a much more fun way to try than gamma radiation.

"Wow Allen, I didn't know grasping the slippery weasel was so good for me. Are there other health benefits?" There certainly are stranger I've never meet over the internet. You can read more about them by following these links:

8 Benefits of Male Masturbation
Health and Sexual Benefits of Masturbation
Hidden Benefits of Male Masturbation

  Will masturbating more, make me a better lover?

Yes, yes it will. Not just for loving yourself but also for loving your partner. Masturbating helps in the bedroom a few ways: letting you know your limits, making you much more comfortable with your body, and allowing you to last longer. I know these are some pretty bold claims but let me explain.

Knowing your limits.

If you know exactly when you're going to pop off, you know when you need to ease up when you and your partner are having sex. You know exactly how you feel when you start to build up too much. These cues are your warning to slow down, maybe pull out and do a little more foreplay. You will also discover that it is easier to keep going after orgasm, reducing your recovery time. If you practice masturbating and cumming multiple times, this is even easier to do with a partner. It also helps you build better pelvic muscles which leads to more pushing, and more stamina to do it.

Loving yourself.

Masturbating regularly is going to make you happy with yourself for the reasons I mentioned before (removing depression). The more you explore your body, the happier you are going to be with it. The happier you are with your body, the less performance anxiety you are going to have when you are with your partner, and when you can focus on making each other happy, that is when you start to reach Casanova status.

Pornstar Stamina.

Much like knowing your limits, regular chicken choking means when it's time for sex you are less likely to be overly excited about having an orgasm, which makes your orgasms take longer to reach. This simply means you're going to last longer. Your body will be less excited about just cumming as you're vastly more used to on a daily basis, so you can enjoy the entire sexual experience and explore more sensual things. Truly savor the way your partner tastes, how the rest of them feels against your skin, and you will be less focused on how your dick feels in them.

So there you go guys. All the benefits of pounding your pud. I know it was a lot to read, but let's face it, masturbation is important, and there is no reason to be ashamed of it. If Eden Fantasys has taught you anything, it should be that everyone does it, and women do it a lot more than you would think. They even have all kinds of toys to help. There is no reason to be ashamed and there are several very good reasons to do it just for yourself. So stand tall stand proud, hold up your fist and shout out loud, "I'd rather be masturbating!"

Total euphemisms for masturbating used in this whole article: 22

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Comments

As a woman I vastly enjoyed your article on male masturbation and know the men who read this will benefit from your insight. I have read every article you have posted and have set an alert for every time you write. Keep up the great work!

09/08/2012

@werone123 Well thank you, I'll be submitting this one to the monthly contest, when they said back to basics I figured whats more basic than masturbating, and since I can't comment on the female side from experience I can certainly do the male side.

09/09/2012

Well said, especially the last bit

09/11/2012

I do this quiet regularly and my wife sits and watches me and she is so use to it it doesnt bother her. AWESOME

02/10/2013
danrun  

Great article..true on all fronts...as I get older I masturbate as much as possible..I mean free pleasure..what could be better, plus all the mental emotional and health benefits accrue. Love to use toys, my hands, whatever devices I can use to reach that ultimate pleasure zenith!
I love pleasure more than anybody and would never give it up! I couldn't lol

Jan 5, 12:47 pm

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