"And it’s not like I’ve never jacked off. I’m fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesn’t is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No one’s that stupid."
Debunking the myths.
You likely already know that masturbation is not going to make you go blind. It will not make you grow hair on your palms, and it will never make your penis fall off. However all these myths, like all myths and rumors, come from some basis of reality. Let's take a moment to discuss those things. This will contain science and other boring subjects. May I suggest you wrestle the purple helmet warrior for a moment before continuing on, to make sure your are nice and relaxed for this.
You'll go blind!
Seminal fluid contains a small amount of the same nutrients (zinc) your eyes need to work properly. This is what leads to this argument that masturbation will cause blindness. The issue with this argument is that the amount is so small that to cause any sort of loss from what your eyes need to function you would literally need to be sanding your barn wood thousands of times a day. I don't know about you but the most times I have ever successfully masturbated or even ejaculated in one day was twelve, (I lived in the rural south, there is not much else to do) and after awhile it started to hurt anyways so the mark of thousands of times seems just a bit unreachable, as demonstrated by this Robot Chicken Mythbusters parody (sorry for bad quality).
I have no fucking idea where this comes from. I don't really think anyone does. Maybe the movie Teen Wolf is really a documentary about the first case of this ever happening. Much more likely this was a lie overly religious parents told their children. Basically saying I will know because your palms will grow hair. There is literally no science to back this claim up, and there never will be. In certain religion dominated cultures and countries, the penalty for masturbation is beheading.
If you play with it too much, it'll fall off!
Another scare tactic, the only way that waxing the main sail will ever make it fall off is if you're doing it with a pair of scissors, or you have leprosy in which cause you have vastly bigger problems. Barring issues like priapism (an erection lasting more than four hours), your penis is not going to fall off. Honestly masturbation is likely your best friend in that case.
So clearly the wives tales of jacking the kraken are just that, wives tales. Other than maybe issues with chaffing or soreness from doing it too much, nothing negative is ever going to happen from you slapping the trouser trout. We will discuss preventing those issues in the next section.
Masturbating correctly, for fun and profit! (there is a limited number of ways to masturbate for profit, I don't really suggest either of them)
Monkeys can figure out that hand + penis = Awesome. I likely don't need to tell you that touching yourself in the right way is something most of us figured out on our own without help. But like most things you learned yourself, you start to wonder if you're doing it right? To my female readers you've likely already noticed this article is not geared at you, and for that I am sorry. I'll see if I can get my partner to write one for you. All these tips are geared for the penis, but if you would like to know how to give a better hand job, keep reading I suppose.
When I first started playing five against one, I quickly learned that friction was not my friend. Yes the same action of rubbing my hands together for warmth that saved me through many a morning waiting for the bus was not my friend here. I figured spitting in my hand fixed this issue and that was good enough. However, it's not really good enough. You're constantly having to do this over and over again while working towards climax. After awhile Lubriderm became my best friend all through high school. Even though I played football, people always commented on how soft my hands were. This kills two birds with one stone I suppose. I always had the reapplying issue here too though. See, lotion is designed to absorb into your skin, which it does. Using too much lotion can actually make your skin too soft. This is not good when we are talking about skin that is already soft. Thankfully these days we have the internet. This makes two things regarding masturbation much easier: never must I ride the great white knuckler to the underwear models in the Sears catalog, and I can easily get lubricants thanks to Eden Fantasys. Lubricants are not designed to absorb into your skin, nor do they wear out too quickly, so you can focus on getting the job done rather than reapplying what ever you're using to jerk your gherkin. Most lubes are fairly cheap, and they don't require much to just flog your dolphin. Eden sells several brands. Find out what's best for you.
I know what you're thinking. "Allen I already know how to pull my pud, thanks?" You're right. It's pretty strait forward. Also I can read your mind. Just because you have the basic idea of how to get the job done, doesn't mean it's the best way. Sure I could build a house with a hammer and nothing else, but is that really the best way to do it, and would you want to live in the house when I am done? Like anything else, there is a proper way to date Pamela Handerson.
Use both hands.
You like when your partner squeezes your balls a little, why not do it yourself? It seems terribly reasonable doesn't it, but many people never do it. They just have one hand on the shifter and that's good enough. Squeezing your balls, and massaging your taint will go a long way to enjoying your experience much more. Let's be honest, we spend a lot of time doing this, make the most of it. So step one, use both hands.
Don't focus on the obvious.
Massage the head with the palm of your hand between strokes, switch up speeds, and change pressure in your strokes. Your hand is extremely good at simulating coitus. If something you know you like during sex stimulates you, figure out how to do it when you masturbate.
Fleshlights don't bite.
Okay sure, sometimes they seem a bit alien. These toys are one of the highest selling pocket pussys on the market for a reason. They feel really good, you can change the suction on them and textures between the toys, they feel fairly realistic and last a very long time. When you are using a masturbatory device like this, clean up is very important. Toy cleaner and warm soap and water need to be used after each use. Don't leave your sailors sitting in one...it's just gross and it will smell. Stop masturbating into socks...that's just freaking gross.
Read a Book!
Humans have existed for a long time, and have likely been fighting the one eyed dinosaur since day one. There are guides, books, and tips to masturbating everywhere. Read them, it's important for your health, as we will discuss shortly.
Is masturbation right for me? The health benefits of jerking it.
Male masturbation has several serious health benefits. I just want to go over some of the biggest ones very quickly in this article because I am not a licensed health care professional. The internet is loaded with reasons you should be fucking Rosey Palms, and her five sisters. I've weeded through the garbage and pulled out ones that were tested, observed, or proven by scientific and medical professionals.
Masturbating prevents prostate cancer.
That's right boys and girls. Regular healthy clown boxing will help prevent you from getting prostate cancer later in life. Researchers in Australia (a country known for it's excessive manliness) discovered that having five healthy self lovin sessions a week greatly reduced the risk of prostate cancer in men. If you needed an excuse, that is a pretty damn good one.
Once again the thing you've been doing since your early teens is one of the healthiest things you can do for your general state of well being. Seminal plasma components stimulate interleukin-8 and interleukin-10 release. What that means is that playing the skin flute releases the chemicals in your body that helps you from getting depressed. It also keeps you from getting stressed out and improves your skin. How awesome is that?
Keeps you from getting sick
According to R. W. Kelly, a doctor from the University of Edinburgh Centre for Reproductive Biology, UK, when your body needs to replace your seminal fluids, it boosts the same parts of the body that have to make the chemicals to keep up your white blood cells, thereby producing more healthy white blood cells, making you less likely to catch the flu every year. I'm fairly positive this doesn't mean you can choke the chicken to immortality, but it is certainly a much more fun way to try than gamma radiation.
"Wow Allen, I didn't know grasping the slippery weasel was so good for me. Are there other health benefits?" There certainly are stranger I've never meet over the internet. You can read more about them by following these links:
8 Benefits of Male Masturbation
Health and Sexual Benefits of Masturbation
Hidden Benefits of Male Masturbation
Will masturbating more, make me a better lover?
Yes, yes it will. Not just for loving yourself but also for loving your partner. Masturbating helps in the bedroom a few ways: letting you know your limits, making you much more comfortable with your body, and allowing you to last longer. I know these are some pretty bold claims but let me explain.
Knowing your limits.
If you know exactly when you're going to pop off, you know when you need to ease up when you and your partner are having sex. You know exactly how you feel when you start to build up too much. These cues are your warning to slow down, maybe pull out and do a little more foreplay. You will also discover that it is easier to keep going after orgasm, reducing your recovery time. If you practice masturbating and cumming multiple times, this is even easier to do with a partner. It also helps you build better pelvic muscles which leads to more pushing, and more stamina to do it.
Masturbating regularly is going to make you happy with yourself for the reasons I mentioned before (removing depression). The more you explore your body, the happier you are going to be with it. The happier you are with your body, the less performance anxiety you are going to have when you are with your partner, and when you can focus on making each other happy, that is when you start to reach Casanova status.
Much like knowing your limits, regular chicken choking means when it's time for sex you are less likely to be overly excited about having an orgasm, which makes your orgasms take longer to reach. This simply means you're going to last longer. Your body will be less excited about just cumming as you're vastly more used to on a daily basis, so you can enjoy the entire sexual experience and explore more sensual things. Truly savor the way your partner tastes, how the rest of them feels against your skin, and you will be less focused on how your dick feels in them.
So there you go guys. All the benefits of pounding your pud. I know it was a lot to read, but let's face it, masturbation is important, and there is no reason to be ashamed of it. If Eden Fantasys has taught you anything, it should be that everyone does it, and women do it a lot more than you would think. They even have all kinds of toys to help. There is no reason to be ashamed and there are several very good reasons to do it just for yourself. So stand tall stand proud, hold up your fist and shout out loud, "I'd rather be masturbating!"
Total euphemisms for masturbating used in this whole article: 22