Inevitably, about once a month, I get an email from some queer of varying gender identity saying that they read my site, Sugarbutch Chronicles, and they and their partner are looking to invest in a strap-on harness and cock of their very own. Do I have any recommendations for them?

Why, yes. Yes, I do.

I can tell you all about harnesses. Styles, sizes, shapes, colors, materials. What kind is good if you happen to be a woman of girth, as a teacher of mine put it once, since many harnesses are made to fit hips up to only a certain size. I can tell you which are good for which price points. I can make the perfect match between you and a harness.

If you get a harness with one strap, like a G-string, it does provide extra stimulation for some folks, but others don’t like how it feels between their butt cheeks. Maybe you’d prefer two straps, like a jock strap? Lots of access that way to the wearer’s genitals.

Materials: Harnesses are made from all kinds of materials, though the most popular are leather, rubber, and nylon. Leather is perhaps the most common, is lovely for molding to the wearer’s body shape, and is comfortable and soft. It’s difficult to clean, however, and if you tend to have messy sex, you might want to go with nylon, which you can soak in the sink, or sometimes even run through the washing machine. There’s also rubber, which is totally waterproof. You can even wear in the shower. Make sure to dry the harnesses thoroughly, right after washing, however, or the metal buckles and parts may rust. Buckles generally come in two types: locking buckles, like a belt buckle, or D-rings, which are more easily adjustable, but sometimes slip. The locking buckles tend to stay in place a bit more firmly, but sometimes stretch.

Style: The shape of harnesses vary, with some of them holding a cock way up high on the wearer’s pubic bone, and others hold them much lower, much closer to the clit. Some people find it hard on the mons pubis for a cock to be directly rubbing against it, especially if you are engaged in vigorous thrusting. Some harnesses come equipped with a “driver pad,” a backing that goes behind the cock and protects the wearer’s tender parts. The drawback to that is that there’s a bit more material between the two of you, and sometimes you just want to feel skin on skin. Plus, the more material there is, the harder it is to wear discreetly under clothing, if you’re into that. Many harnesses come with little extra flares, including the Corsette or the Annie-O. Find something that matches your style and feels like yours.]But, regardless, I still don’t quite have the right one.

Why is it so hard to find? It seems like what I want isn’t that specific, but in truth I think it is. And I’ve done this long enough, put in my ten-thousand hours of practice, as Malcolm Gladwell would say, that I think I might be able to start calling myself a strap-on expert.

Maybe I’m kidding myself into thinking that there could be just one, singular harness that is just right à la Goldilocks, and that once I find it, I won’t have to keep searching, I’ll just buy that one over and over to replace it, if I need to, and having The Perfect Harness will make me come, every single time I use it, invariably. I know it’s not that easy, though.

I have been in an ongoing search for The Perfect Strap-On Harness for years now. I am starting to get skeptical of leather as my material of choice, since no matter how well I clean it with saddle soap and a leather polish, it still gets worn down and worn in, and starts looking, well, less than clean. And if you have any sort of juicy, wet sex, the leather gets soaked, and that just doesn’t quite come out.

So what about other materials? I’m investigating. I have my first rubber harness, the Rubber G by Aslan Leather, and while I thought it would be too thick and restrictive, too much like wearing a wet suit (or so I imagine, since I’ve never actually worn one), but it is actually quite comfortable. And I love how easily it cleans up.

Two of the most popular harnesses are the Joque by Spareparts and the Jaguar by Aslan Leather, both of which come in one-strap and two-strap versions. The Joque has an elastic waistband, and while it can be complicated to get the fit just right, most people find that once they do, they love the style and find it incredibly comfortable. Plus, it’s machine washable—always a bonus. The Jaguar comes in both a leather and non-leather version, and the leather comes in white, red, and black. The leather is buttery and beautiful, and has, of course, Aslan’s signature high-quality craftsmanship. While I highly recommend both, neither quite works perfectly, for me.

Here’s what I want: a minimalist design, with as little fabric as possible, so I can comfortably pack with it, and have as much skin exposed as possible. The G-string, one-strap style, so the strap goes between my legs and hits my clit in just the right ways. Interchangeable O rings, such that it can accommodate a small or a big cock. Probably a non-leather material, since I’m having trouble with that right now, but I’m flexible on that.

After I got a new harness the other day, sitting on my bed talking to my other girlfriend, Kristen, I starting to draw blueprints for my perfect harness. “What if it had a rubber strap in the center,” I said, “and leather on the sides? Locking buckles here, O-rings here? Kind of like this harness I used to have...” I trailed off and went to retrieve it.

“So, in all of this ‘Search For the Perfect Harness,’ you’re really just trying to recreate the first one you ever had?” she asked.

“Well no, not exactly...” Or was I?

Have I idealized this first special harness, the first one that made me realize I could strap on and get off while fucking, which opened up my sex life to include more masculinity, more gender play, more play with stone-ness, and more dominance? Do I consider this particular harness the source of it all?

Maybe. “But ... that one isn’t quite right. The material isn’t right, and there’s only one buckle. Plus the snaps all rusted. It needs to be upgraded, it needs some changes. It’s just the closest I’ve had, so far, to ‘The Perfect Harness.’”

“Well,” Kristen said, fingering the new one I just received. “Want to see if this one works?”

I smile, put away my other toys. Regardless of whether or not it’s The Perfect Harness, I bet it will still work, allow me to shoot from the hip and play in the ways I like. Maybe it’s not exactly perfect, but it’s probably perfectly adequate. For now, that’s good enough.

Meanwhile, the search continues.