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A Paranoid Geek's Guide to Sneaky Sex Toy Ordering

A Paranoid Geek's Guide to Sneaky Sex Toy Ordering publicdomainpictures.net
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Do you secretly lust after sex toys, but fear ordering any lest your parents discover your secret and kick you out of their basement to fend for yourself in the cruel, cruel world? Fear not, for there are plenty of clever ways to sneak sex toys into your geek cave and hide them once they've arrived. Read on.

  Obstacle Two: Storage

Your first instinct is probably to hide your new sex toys so cleverly that you'll never find them again and each use will require three hours of ninja maneuvers and a really big shovel. Ignore that instinct, or your sexual frustration will never end.

Sex toys should be stored in the bedroom, in a clean, dry location that can be reached without moving furniture. Before your toys arrive, get a box that locks. A toolbox, a small piece of luggage, a briefcase -- anything that's not suspiciously pink will do. Fill it with anything your family will actively ignore, and then leave it somewhere that will make them nag you to put it away. You've now trained them to ignore it. You could leave it on the dining room table unlocked, and they'd likely never open it. Of course, don't test that theory, Murphy's Law isn’t fun for anyone.

Your locking box should be kept locked at all times and keep the key within reach of it. Yes, I hear you screaming in horror at the obvious flaw in that plan, but keep reading. Position a decoy container between the sex toy box and the key, leave it unlocked, and fill it with something dreadfully boring. I use a locking CD case full of unlabeled DVDs containing episodes of Nova. By the time a nosy snoop gets done watching them all, in search of porn to overreact at, they'll be far too bored to go after the sex toys.

If you're really ambitious, you can hide your toys in a hidden compartment built into your headboard, or behind a false panel in a bookshelf. Just make sure that your hiding place isn't so complex that your laziness will overpower your libido.

  Obstacle Three: Will They Hear It?

Short answer: no. Before you order any toys, you'll carefully study the specs and the user reviews. Buy only toys that promise near silence. There are plenty of high end toys that meet that criterion, and a fair number of modestly priced options do as well. Turn on the television, and let the adventures of the Enterprise or the TARDIS drown out any remaining buzz.

Enjoy your new lack of complete sexual frustration.

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Comments


A great read, most informative and highly logical.
L.L.A.P.
- Nacht Stern

08/02/2012

Great read this is the first thing I came across on Sexis and you give great ideas!!

08/10/2012
Voir  

The tone and puns in this are incredibly hilarious. -snicker- making jabs at pink containers and the training potential snoops to ignore something by leaving it someplace annoyingly obvious is just brilliant. Very nice article, very nicely written and very amusing. -snicker-

10/26/2012

Fantastic article! I really appreciate the idea of lulling snoops into a false sense of boredom - handy when one has little brothers. I also like the idea of camouflage orders from amazon (I did something similar, but with textbooks and class supplies, so last summer when I joined EF my parents actually applauded me on my dedication to studying early).

11/12/2012

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