They marvel at my capacity to hold forth in front of crowds, divulge very intimate, personal details about my life, my experience, and my thoughts. Many of them scoff in disbelief when I tell them that I am, at heart, incredibly shy. It is very difficult for me, most days, to get up and do what I have to do. But I do it, because I’m a compulsive oversharer. And this way, I get to do it in ways that are constructive and, hopefully, educate, entertain, enliven and enlighten the people I serve when I do my thing.
Despite the fact I’ve been an actor for 38 of my 43 years on this planet I still have gut-crunching attacks of stage-fright before I get on stage. And despite the fact I’ve been openly perusing a life in the Kink, Leather and BDSM communities for 19 of those 43 years, I still become horrified and hip-checked by terror when I contemplate approaching someone for play. I’ve been unattached for the overwhelming majority of my time in the scene, so one might think I’d be an adept. Alas, I get shy, tongue-tied, fear rejecting, am terrified of acceptance, and shake in my Wesco Lineman’s boots when I have to face someone and say “Hey, I like you. Wanna do some stuff?”
Being single and identifying as monoamorous, it can be tough to navigate a scene where, it seems, most people are polyamorous and already joyously surrounded by partners, lovers and fuckbuddies. It can be tough to get on the schedule of that new hottie. That feels daunting! Then there’s the issue of being able to clearly advocate for myself when negotiating. As a submissive person, I tend to want to do, and I tend to receive my deepest erotic charge, from obedience and pleasing my partner. But hell, ya can’t negotiate a playdate from your knees. You must have your needs, wants and desires at the fore, be prepared to self-advocate, and steel your nerves to outline, establish and enforce your boundaries and limits. And that shit can feel so difficult.
Even when I do get to the point where I’ve gotten up the nerve to ask that intriguing person to play, I then have to be certain that I’m clear about what it is that I really want. Again, self-advocacy is critical. And if you don’t share what you want, you have a pretty damned low chance of getting that need met. Sure, that hottie might stumble on your core desires and have the perfect technique, share precisely your desires and hit every perfect chord while playing you like a perfectly preserved Stradivarius.
Despite the fact I’ve been an actor for 38 of my 43 years on this planet I still have gut-crunching attacks of stage-fright before I get on stage. And despite the fact I’ve been openly perusing a life in the Kink, Leather and BDSM communities for 19 of those 43 years, I still become horrified and hip-checked by terror when I contemplate approaching someone for play. I’ve been unattached for the overwhelming majority of my time in the scene, so one might think I’d be an adept. Alas, I get shy, tongue-tied, fear rejecting, am terrified of acceptance, and shake in my Wesco Lineman’s boots when I have to face someone and say “Hey, I like you. Wanna do some stuff?”
Being single and identifying as monoamorous, it can be tough to navigate a scene where, it seems, most people are polyamorous and already joyously surrounded by partners, lovers and fuckbuddies. It can be tough to get on the schedule of that new hottie. That feels daunting! Then there’s the issue of being able to clearly advocate for myself when negotiating. As a submissive person, I tend to want to do, and I tend to receive my deepest erotic charge, from obedience and pleasing my partner. But hell, ya can’t negotiate a playdate from your knees. You must have your needs, wants and desires at the fore, be prepared to self-advocate, and steel your nerves to outline, establish and enforce your boundaries and limits. And that shit can feel so difficult.
Even when I do get to the point where I’ve gotten up the nerve to ask that intriguing person to play, I then have to be certain that I’m clear about what it is that I really want. Again, self-advocacy is critical. And if you don’t share what you want, you have a pretty damned low chance of getting that need met. Sure, that hottie might stumble on your core desires and have the perfect technique, share precisely your desires and hit every perfect chord while playing you like a perfectly preserved Stradivarius.
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Great story!
I have to admit, I like the idea of leading someone around on a leash.
Good on you, as usual. I bet that everyone who reads this has at *least* one fantasy they've never shared with anyone.