"May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch."
Now there is nothing funny about STDs of any kind. Let me make that crystal clear here. I don't want this line we are going to walk together here to get blurry, so here we go. When I was 18 years old I got crabs. I had no idea how I got them. It just started as an intense itching in my crotch. Then it just became worse. Then I noticed small red spots. After some investigating down there, I found 'em! Once it was clear to me, it was high time to figure out where the hell they came from.
Don't jump, nor fly or swim...just crawl.
For me, it was easy. At the time I only had one girlfriend. I asked her straight out if she happened to have crabs. She told me no. I took it at that. I then headed to the library to read up on everything I could about the Phthirus pubis! I read that in the most common cases, pubic lice travel from body hair during close contact. You know...like sex. Pubic lice don't jump, fly or swim. They crawl. So it's the closeness of body hair that allows them to move from body to body. Plus, even with a condom during sexual intercourse, you are not safe from picking up these nasty buggers! So keep that in mind before diving in. It's always best to know your partner and to be trusting of where they have been. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Detective Jay is on the case!
I went back and talked to my girlfriend a little more. My mind was racing! How could I have gotten crabs, yet she was clean as a whistle? She promised me she didn't. Then of course the tables turned and the question was on me. I assured her I was only with her and I had no idea where it came from. So the case stayed open...for now.
If all else fails, just shave it all off!
I went home that night and asked my brothers if they had crabs. Now even though it's rare, there are cases where crabs can travel through hugging and in even rarer cases through sharing towels or blankets. As soon as I asked, the jokes began. I took it all. I didn't care. The question was still there. Where in the hell did I get these bastards from? Luckily my older brother helped me out. He took me to a free clinic and they provided me with permethrin cream. Unfortunately I already shaved off everything down there. Oh and I Naired! Yep. To be honest, and yes this is off subject, it felt good to be bare down there. As a matter of fact ever since then I have always manscaped. Anyways, after a few days the eggs were dead and the crabs were gone. However that damn question still hung heavy in the air! Who in the hell gave me crabs?
It's all coming back to me...coming back to me now!
A few days later my girlfriend's step sister pulled me off to the side and bitched me out. She accused me of giving her step-sister crabs. I promised her I didn't but she wasn't having it. She stormed off leaving a group of people in ear shot staring at me like a diseased zombie. Out of the group, a girl I knew came forward. As the crowd started to disperse, she leaned in and whispered something into my ear. She told me a friend of mine recently had to go to the hospital for a case of pubic lice. This friend of mine always joked about wanting to have sex with my girlfriend and recently I had run into him at my girlfriend's house hanging with her older brother. The pieces were starting to fall together.
Bye bye bye...
On a whim, I went and found her at the park that evening. I told her I knew that my friend gave her crabs and I wanted to hear it from her that she had in fact cheated on me. Needless to say at this point, she admitted it. I asked for my ring back and told her I really, truly loved her. I walked away before she could see me fall to pieces. Yes, we were engaged. We had been together for 5 years. Saved up a ton of money to get married the summer after graduation. The whole made for TV movie bullshit. Luckily though, crabs came to my rescue and saved my life! Thanks crabs.
You know what sucks? I still think of her. That bitch!