"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Momma always said, "Stupid is as stupid does!"
So boredom was getting the best of me one night and I did what any red blooded American would do in this situation; I goggled sex. As I typed into the search bar it started giving me suggestions: Do you mean “Kinky sex?” How about “Outrageous sex?” The winner was: Do you mean “Stupid sex?” Come on now, who doesn't want to hear about amusingly stupid sex stories, and since you're reading this I already know you agree. What I found was disturbing, and made me start to contemplate the intelligence of the world at large. What follows are some examples of the stories I found.
Is that a power tool in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
A 27-year old woman, in Maryland, was airlifted to a hospital suffering from severe bleeding. What, you may ask, does this have to do with funny sex? The only thing funny here is the lack of thinking on her and her boyfriend’s part. It seems she sustained this injury after ALLOWING her boyfriend to insert a dildo inside her, and at the other end of this "adult toy" was a reciprocating saw! Yes,the kind that goes back and forth.
Now I’m no genius, but even I can figure out that this is a bad idea. If it’s meant to cut through dry wall I can only imagine it will slice a rubber dick in half.
So the lesson here is: Saw + Vagina = Hospital (I’m sure you smart people already knew that!)
Is it really made from the best stuff on earth?
A twenty-something man from Alberta, Canada (Yes, funny sex happens worldwide!) decided one night to shove a Snapple bottle up his rectum. Apparently the pressure was so intense that the bottle shattered and had to be surgically removed. If there ever was a time I would like to overhear a 911 call this is it!
Man: "Um, hello? Yeah hi, um…hypothetically speaking, if someone were to shove a glass bottle into their ass, and the aforementioned bottle were to, let’s say, implode…would you recommend calling an ambulance?"
9-1-1 operator: "Oh God, definitely!"
Man: "Yeah, I’m going to need an ambulance then."
Now I wonder if I’m ever going to open a bottle of green tea and see "fun fact 200" on the inside of the lid stating how many people have had a Snapple bottle break in their booty.
Sex that will haunt you for the rest of your life...
A New Jersey woman broke her legs after a tombstone fell on her during sex. No that isn't a typo. A tombstone fell on her DURING sex, and not just any old shmuck's tombstone, but one belonging to one of her loved ones. Once again, I'd love to be a fly on the crypt wall in this situation:
Her: "I miss Aunt Sue so much. I know she would want me to carry on with my life, but it’s just so difficult."
Him: "I think what Aunt Sue would really want is for you to fuck me."
Her: "I can’t believe you would say something like that!"
Him: "Come on Aunt Sue isn't the only thing stiff around here."
Her: "Well when you put it that way…"
...and to think some people worry the dead can watch them in the shower!
Involuntary man-hood slaughter.
When doctors asked a young woman how she believed her boyfriend might have fractured his penis; she replied, “I accidentally did a back hand spring during sex”.
Now is the act itself stupid? Not really, but what baffles me is the explanation. How does one “accidentally” do a back hand spring during sex? Was there a trampoline involved? Were they role playing as a naughty Olympic gymnast and coach? I have done some pretty crazy things in the sack, but never has my dismount been a gymnastically worthy move that could break someone’s cock. Maybe that’s just me.
All of these events are unquestionably moronic and since I can’t get them out of my head, I now place that burden on you.