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Online Dating After Divorce: To Sex or Not to Sex

Online Dating After Divorce: To Sex or Not to Sex Suit and Tie Boudoir
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People told me having sex for the first time after divorce would be hard to do. It would be awkward, it would be forced, it would feel foreign and while they were right, they were also so, so wrong.

  People told me the dates would be hard.

People told me the dates would be hard. I'd feel awkward, I wouldn't know what to talk about. That I'd be nervous, and my girlfriends insisted that I shouldn't drink. Really, for no other reason than I tell wildly unfunny and inappropriate jokes. I also can be quite an asshole but I likes me my bourbon so for all intents and purposes, I drank. And I told terrible jokes and he looked at me with a blank stare, but I recovered by laughing cutely and flipping my hair. Because hair, guys like that shit.

The first date, I'll tell you right now, I fucked him afterward. I absolutely fucked him. I went into it knowing I'd fuck him. His online profile didn't say much about him, but Momma knew, she was getting laid. He probably knew it too, I bet he smelled it on me. My extremely expensive perfume was out-masked by the smell of my "I'm going to put out tonight" pheromones.

Should I talk about the date or is that the shit we don't care about? We care about it! We need a backstop, we want to love the protagonist. So I'll build myself up and tell you, I was charming. I was sweet. He was handsome and he was charismatic. He was a photographer, I am a photographer. We got along great and then we mutually agreed, let's go back to his place.

We did.

We met under the guise of (insert famous online dating website here) but it should have been more aptly named, "Yes, I will sleep with you". That doesn't really sound as cute and quippy, so I agree with the namers of that website, (insert famous online dating website here) works much better.

  He asked me pointedly what I wanted.

He asked me pointedly what I wanted. I told him straight up, because I'm awesome and life is too short for bullshit. I said, "let's pretend this is more than it is". He granted that request.

To make this long story even longer, he was perhaps the best sex of my life. It was graphic, it was sweaty. It was two people getting theirs. Nothing was forced, we let things progress organically.

What made it so great beyond that? We were two strangers pretending as if we had known each other much longer. We had some undeniable sexual chemistry but really, we weren't just two people wanting to get laid, we were two people sharing a fantasy of something intimate. Something real. And of course, every sexual encounter is a real one, but folks, we were playing pretend with matters of the heart because it was what we mutually agreed we wanted. We didn't just come together, we CAME together.

It wasn't awkward. It wasn't awful. This was my first sexual partner outside of my ex-husband in 10 years. A decade. A motherfucking decade. And it was incredible. I thank my online dating stalking. Oh, sorry, 'looking'. I looked. I didn't settle. The great thing about this online dating site was there were thousands of men in my area. I didn't need to just pick the first one I saw. I took my time and then once I started talking to a guy I'd google the shit out of him to make sure he wasn't a serial killer.

We slept in each other's arms and around 6 am I left. We still talk, sort of. We're friends on a social networking platform and his number is saved in my phone.

  What they didn't tell me was that you keep looking.

What they didn't tell me was that you keep looking. After your first online dating hookup, you look for your next. Not everyone does this, but I did. I upgraded my hamburger with extra pickles.

I've been visiting all the fast food haunts. I have sampled some menus. Some James Beard nominated menus, some emotionally unavailable menus, and some crazy spicy menus that burned my ass with scathing hot diarrhea the next day. I'm looking for that one menu that I want to keep trying things off of for the next few 'whatever'. I'm not looking for my next perfect 'relationship' but I am indeed looking for something.

Sexing after divorce wasn't what I had been led to believe. It was kind of perfect. The first time, at least. But I have had some awkward experiences. Some really crazy experiences. And some downright horrible experiences where the real stalking comes in to play.

Not every man I've met has liked me, but they've all fucked me. I have made my vagina a taste tester for all the women in my area. I have sampled some menus and perfected them a bit. Told the guys to axe that aperitif or helped a guy improve his wine pairings. I have become a bit of a local food critic and I love it.

I always thought I'd be this sad, lonely woman after my divorce. That I'd end up with 16 cats that later in life end up eating my body because I died choking on four day old Szechuan beef and no one looks in on me. But I've had one hell of an adventure. All because of online dating.

Comments

I absolutely agree. I especially limed the not looking for a relationship but for something... I just dont know what yet. The only difference is being a single parent and working in a job that is literally made up of all women online dating is the only option I really have. Great article and very well distributed.

Jan 5, 2:21 am

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