How it worked in the recent and not-so-recent past
We have come a long way from the middle ages that is for certain. I can remember the sexual education class I had. For whatever reason, either out of embarrassment, trying to warm us up to the topic, trying to make us see how useful this education was and make us more thankful or just because the teacher thought it was interesting they started off with the history of sex ed. Yes, seriously, with diary entries, old book quotations, you name it.
One of the many things absolutely struck with me – the recollections of a still living elderly lady. Her sister got pregnant before marriage, and she was worried about how the baby will “come out.” The helpful answer to her question was: “The way it went in it will also come out.” Really, the amount of information that statement provided for an expectant mother was simply staggering. It sure did make me glad I was born in a different age.
The lecture continued with how all information was gained by either experimenting, peeping or just looking at the animals for example. Girls were especially undereducated. I do not want to even start to imagine what kind of a sex life they could have had when both the husband and wife gained information by merely watching others – they were quite a way from knowing about g-spot orgasms.
And than there was this era, when masturbation was thought to bring all kinds of awful diseases, and it was forbidden by parents and church. This was all based on a false medical development that contributed masturbation to many awful illnesses. Granted, at least they took the “latest findings” into account, and they did it with good intentions, but it was no help at all.
Even just 20 or so years before when the Internet was still not at its best thing weren’t rosy.
So today sex is no longer a taboo topic. It is there in our everyday lives, in films and advertisements, in books and pamphlets and jokes. It is not only there, but it seems to be in the center of everything, as if the world would revolve around it entirely. There is research done on how to make it better, new spots and tricks are discovered.
But is it really non-taboo?
Is it really ok to talk about it?
Not really. And here I am not lamenting the fact that we do not share details of our private lives like it was something absolutely common. I really don’t want to know if my boss likes it up his butt, or if the head of department does it regularly. Some things are just supposed to stay private.
No, I am talking about something else.
On the ‘net now you can learn anything about sex. Anything you want to. And yet, many people do not seem to be interested enough to look. The information is a click away and they do not make that click. And I am not talking about the older generation only who had been raised to believe it was wrong to talk, think or even read about such tings. Some of them are already starting to overcome those barriers.
No, I meant the younger generation too, who grew up together with the ‘net. For whom it is natural to Google things if they need any kind of data. Just a day or so ago I was talking with fellow students, discussing the crazy things you could buy for Halloween. I mentioned the existence of the vamp dildo – and how hilarious I found the concept of it. (Being a rabid fantasy fan, it is not necessary a bad thing.) Their reaction puzzled me. No, they did not ask how I knew about it. They asked what a dildo was. So just because I know the answer and god forbid, I know what a rabbit vibe is, now I’m officially a perv. (Well, it might not be much off the mark, but I did not share anything that would have logically drawn that conclusion.) One of them even added with a blushed, flustered expression she was sure I even had a vibe! (I did not correct her to tell her that I had enough to fill a bedside table…)
I mean… seriously?
I said dildo… not Prince Albert wand.
So if sex is natural...
So if sex is so natural, so open, why are sex toys still a taboo? Why do they still seem like something, bad, pervy, kinky, or something only people would use who have sex otherwise? A few years back I have won a big package of sex toys (go figure). It contained some things I already had (what a surprise), including a rabbit vibe. I had the misfortune to have my sister around when it was delivered – and she wanted to see what I ordered. Books? Clothes? She is pretty much my best friend – if I can’t share this with her, I can’t talk about it to anyone. So I swallowed my society-induced shame, and showed her. She wasn’t exactly surprised, nor was she outranged. She was just disinterested. “Sex toys? Whatever for? I can make do on my own. I like the natural things; I do not need artificial help.” It took me some serious persuasion to talk her into accepting the rabbit vibe. I told her to try it and throw it away if she still thought it was stupid. Since then she has become quite the battery consumer and we never discussed the topic again.
What I am trying to say here is not that everyone is going to be a toy collector – but there is some curiosity if sex could be better. I mean there are plenty of toy manufacturers, plenty of shops – if what they sold was rubbish, no good, or only for those who cannot do without them, they would go bankrupt. If it was all rubbish and useless they could hoodwink poor women only once. So if they keep blooming, there must be something to it, right?
So why is there the lack of interest in making their own sex life more interesting, or their own orgasms better? Why are they not interested in even trying? Or browsing through the products of an online store just to see if there were any ideas they might like – and learn what a dildo was.
But forget the toys.
Ok, maybe toys aren’t for everyone. (I do not quite believe it, but humor me…) Ok, maybe someone just thinks it is unnatural, afraid of allergic reactions, afraid of getting addicted, or can’t afford it… you name it. The reason doesn’t matter.
But toys aren’t the only way to make things better. It was just a few days ago that I was talking to a male friend of mine and he admitted he had had over ten girlfriends, only one ever tried to give him a hand job, and all she did was yank on his member.
And this again puzzles me. If sex is so free of a topic, so important – why not make an effort to make it better? Why not see if it can be better? If you are in love, and you want to express your affection through deeds, through pleasure, why not Google to see if there is a way to make your partner feel better, for me it feels like the logical thing to do.
If you just want a casual relationship, but would like your partner telling your friend that you are a wonderful lover, why not try to back up that statement?
So back to hand jobs… I asked this friend of mine, well, and did you Google tips for going down on her, or different methods for fingering, increasing their pleasure? He blushed and admitted he didn’t, if he Googled anything, it was for porn. I have no statistics, of course, but it would seem to me guys are no better than girls.
I am personally naturally curious, and I can spend a lot of time researching things I am interested in, be it bonsai-growing, sex, swords, sex, webpage coding or sex. So I am stunned by why others would not take at least a peek.
I have come to the conclusion that the answer is in absolute and relative information availability. While this data is all there on the ‘net, it is not commonly known that it is there. The everyday topics of sex do not include conversations of how to do it better. In commercials it is just alluring with pretty women suggesting naughty deeds with good-looking guys. In comedies it is usually restricted to teenagers fumbling around, trying to hide a stack of porn from the parents. In romantic films you can see naked backs, some caresses, a tit flashing on screen, and that is it. There aren’t conversations about, “Wow look, I found a guide how to give my girlfriend a g-spot orgasm, or look I found a video showing how to give a proper hand job.”
Yes, it is not the best source of information. Yes, it might sound like a stupid argument. But the thing is, like it or not, society, general thinking and everyday trends and topics do influence us all. Some to a greater scale and some on a smaller scale. These things I have listed put sex in general in the public awareness, such as sex with attractive people, a lot of sex. But they do not talk about quality. They do not promote a demand for better sex. Even if people are aware of sex being more than a caress or two and a few thrusts, they may not be aware of how much they might be missing. And what you do not know about, you cannot miss.
They do not look, because they do not think they should. That there is information there they would want.
The absolute availability of these guides is good, just a click away. You do not need Indiana Jones to climb rocks, enter ancient temples to retrieve secret documents written in a language you cannot read. It is more like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy – the information that your house will be destroyed can be seen in the basement. It’s there for viewing, but you do not know you need to go there.
But there is more...
We cannot blame all of this on society though. There is more to this phenomenon. While the older generation did not have access to these things the youngsters do. But here comes the catch – when we reach adolescence and our sexual priorities and preferences are largely shaped, our access is limited – and it is the older generation who sets the limits. It is mum and dad who decide if we get unsupervised Internet access, and for how long, or if they check our browsing history.
Kids just do not know what to look for. They will search for things they see around themselves, and that is what I have already listed: sex, more sex, sex with attractive people. And that is about it. Sex Ed in school is all about STDs and pregnancy – which is extremely important, granted. But putting condoms on bananas never motivated anyone to try to look for better things either.
So the kids learn from what is around us. They fumble, they experiment, and they gain experience. By the time they move out and have Internet and access to anything they want they already have probably had 2-3 partners, and even tried sex. And no one complained they weren’t gentle or good enough, because the others were raised on the same grounds and matter. So if no one tells them that they are merely average if even, how would they know they aren’t? In a few years they would be certain they are good, and feel no need to get better. If they know where to put it, they know all. As society pictures sex as an extremely important, central problem, no one wants to admit they might not be good at it.
No one wants to admit to being a “Loser”, which in the end hampers them to find quality.
They should be told earlier on.
Yes, it can be one embarrassing talk for the parents. Hell, for the kids too. But there are other solutions – like books, or films. Of course there are the rare families where it’s not a taboo topic to talk about but there aren’t too many. But giving a DVD to your kid, saying: “Son, watch this,” is not the end of the world.
It is also something that should be done during sex Ed too. No, I’m not saying 13-year-old little girls should know about how to give head or the same age boys about g-spot orgasm. But at the very least they should know there is more to sex than STDs and putting it in. If they know there is something to be looking for they will when they have the chance.
At the age of 16 some tricks and tips might be useful too – a nudge for the better. They are old enough for that – and if they learn how to give a really good hand job, they might be more content to play around before getting too serious.
So generally it is up to us to make sure the next generation knows to look for quality too. We could try to skirt it and leave it to Sex Ed – but have you seen that chapter of South Park? Check it out. It might be a comedy and caricature, but it got the basics down pretty well.
They can learn by themselves – everyone else did.
Many think so. They could, probably, but should they, really? I accept they can get somewhere with that. For boys it may even work – their penis is just there, whenever they need to pee, they have to touch it, and they would discover it feels good. They would play. Things would happen.
But what about girls? Where the clitoris is so small and hard to find, will they figure how to bring themselves off? For living in the age of sexual freedom and Internet, there are a staggering number of women who had never had an orgasm, and not only among the older generation.
If you need to re-invent everything that already exists before you can create something new, than you have to come up with the idea of wheels and clogs first, and we will never get to see a plane fly. Reinventing things is a waste of time, effort, money, and brain capacity. But planes are flying; there is the Internet, so passing down information clearly does work on some level.
But why does it not work with sex, something just as important? Why should they have to re-invent everything, when the knowledge is there, ready to be taken? Granted, taken at the right quality right age. True, to get there they need hands on experience, the real deal. But having a good general idea where to start is a great start.
So we are responsible for what the kids learn – through teaching them ourselves, through Sex Ed – which is in the end shaped by our generation.
But what about the grown generation?
I don’t there is an easy solution. This might not concern the readers of SexIs too much, as they are already here, reading about sexuality and new techniques, but most of the society isn’t. But raising awareness can only help, or influencing the porn and film industry – though saying these is like saying push a boulder aside. One, two three ho!
But it has to start somewhere – and I think this community could be a first step. You, my dear reader might have more, better, and more constructive ideas about it. But working together is what solves problems and makes a difference.
So everyone: one, two three – push that boulder!