I’m sure many of us would like to believe that in this day and age we live in a world of sexual freedom. And to an extent, when compared to some other eras in history, it might be true. But in reality, our sexual freedoms are very limited, and people are still very quick to judge. Add to that our own inhibitions and concerns, and sometimes we, both at a societal and a personal level, are rather lacking when it comes to sexual freedom.
When considering the larger scale, take for instance this very site, SexIs. How many of us here use our real names, have told co-workers, friends, and family that you read and/or write for an online sex magazine? It seems even here, in a community devoted to being sex positive, many of us struggle to be our true self. Why? Because we fear other people will judge us. Because if someone knew you wrote about kinky sex, or enjoyed anal sex, they might treat and view you differently. They may think you are immoral, dirty, or even a perpetrator, simply because you are open about your sexual likes and wants.
Even worse, many of us are fearful of sex ourselves. We struggle to tell our partners what we like and what we fantasize about. We keep those things hidden, afraid to share them, sometimes even ashamed of them. And what progresses is a relationship where trust and communication are not open, at least in the bedroom, where perhaps it is the most important. We become unhappy, unfulfilled, and sometimes resentful. We feel bad about ourselves and guilty about our desire, which only feeds into our sexual inhibitions.
People are still afraid of sex and all that it entails. They are afraid to talk about it, even with those closest to them. We seem to be stuck in a puritanical mindset that tells us sex is something to be ashamed of and if you enjoy it too much, want something outside of the norm, or it becomes too much of a focus, you must be a slut or a whore or a nymphomaniac.
Even I, a very sexual, open person, have struggled with this. Even though I write for SexIs, review toys for Eden Fantasys, and have a sex blog all of my own, there are very few (less than five, I’d be willing to say) people in real life that know any of this. Even with my erotic writing, I use a pen name. And my inhibitions about my desire to become submissive almost cost me my marriage. It took an outside event that threatened divorce to make me open up to my husband about my want to add a D/s dynamic to our relationship.
If we want to live in a judgment free society where sexual freedoms are truly given, then we must first learn to be sexually free ourselves. We must learn to embrace all different aspects and deviations, both in our own desires and in others. We must let go of shame and guilt in relation to sex and sexual acts, and not judge others for their wants and practices. Only then will we be able to have a society that has true sexual freedom.