February 14, 2013

What His Condom Choice Says About Him

by pandasauce

More accurate than a horoscope, more judgmental than US Magazine, and more wrapped in rubber than a set of rubber band balls, this is an easy to access guide to what you can learn about a partner when they pull a condom out.


Unless your homeboy busts out a quality bottle of lube with these, it generally means he was so embarrassed that the condom display was in plain view of the pharmacy that he grabbed the first box he saw and ran his little legs as fast as he could to the self-checkout lane. When trying to shove his halfie in your mostly dry hoo-hah (dude who buys these is probably ix-nay on the fore-play), he'll say "But they're Trojans, they have to be good, right?" He is probably actually more likely to pinch the tip like he's supposed to, because he is more likely to have read the directions when he got them.

Extended Pleasure Condoms:
Well... at least he's honest with himself, and you. That's good. In case you don't know, these are condoms designed with a slight desensitizing lube on the penis side to help the man last longer. A.K.A. Minute-man, two-pump-chump, a guy who can't afford meds for his ED. Honestly? Probably a really sensitive guy. Wants to last longer for the girls he's with. Pretty decent choice for a one-night stand. (If you were expecting me to make fun of these guys... shame on you.)

XL, XXL, XXL wide:
There are two routes you could be going down here. Either it's the guy who THINKS he needs XL condoms, in which case the condom will most likely slip off and you’ll either get pregnant or need a trip the ER to have the condom removed from your cervix. Or he's an actually very gifted guy who doesn’t know that most normal condoms stretch to fit. Show him this, which will not only prove how much condoms can stretch, but also that he shouldn’t use 625 condoms at once at the risk of serious penis injury. It’s really a win-win.

Her pleasure / Ribbed / Studded:
Our natural first instinct here is to think this guy is very nice and very sensitive. Why would he buy condoms for your pleasure if he wasn't?
Well, I'm going to tell you. Because it is a lie. JUST LIKE THE CAKE.
A) He has a girlfriend, whom he bought them for.
B) He has an ex-girlfriend whom he bought them for and hasn't replenished his condom stash yet, which if it was recent means you're a rebound, and if it wasn't recent means the condoms are old and could break.
C) He really, really, really wants you to think he's a nice, sensitive guy, which of course means he is the exact opposite of a nice, sensitive guy. Condoms are just the easiest way to convince a girl of this before he goes back to being his regular ol’ douchey self.
D) They came in that gigantic "Party/Pleasure Pak" he bought, and these were the only ones that he had left. Again, they’re either old or, well, he used them all. At least he used them all with the 30 or so girls/sexual encounters right? It’s not like you’re looking for him to be your boyfriend or anything. Right? Please say I’m right.

In conclusion:

I hope this (admittedly tongue-in-cheek) guide helps you in your pursuit of hot, safe sex. Always use a condom! Preferably your own.