B.O.B.bing for It
So—you’ve finally decided to become a B.O.B. (Big Ol’ Bottom)? Tired of missing out on all that ass-play everyone’s talking about? Been secretly tripping on the exploits of your favorite porn stars? (“Jeez, would ya get a load of that—his hole looks like the Victory Arch in Paris, for God’s sake.”)
And now you want a piece of the action for yourself?
But wait, there’s a wrinkle. You’re a virgin—or, worse yet, there’s been an ‘Exit Only’ sign on your poop chute for so long that the mere thought of someone buggering your bunghole makes you blanch and swoon.
I’ve been bangin’ this chick for a few months now. She’s sizzlin’ hot in the sack. Yesterday she showed up at my door with a little surprise. She whips out this strap-on and says: “Turn about is fair play.” Damn! I don’t want to lose this gal, but I’ve never given it up, if you know what I mean. She says: “No more pussy till I get some ass.”
Yeah, I think I do know what you mean. And I’m gonna go out on a limb here, stud, and guess that you’re gonna be walking real funny pretty soon. Gotta love a gal that knows what she wants—and how to get it.
Dear Dr. Dick,
Help! I want to be a bottom; at least I think I do. My boyfriend’s been begging for my booty big time, but I’m just too tight down there, and he’s really big. Our play time always end the same way, frustration for him and a pain in the ass for me. How do those porno guys do it?
First off, darling, “porno guys,” as you so lovingly refer to them, are professionals (yeah, huh!). And Dr. Dick suggests that a novice butt pirate, like you, not try all that fancy stuff at home before you know the basics.
The Bottom Line
Listen up, bottom wannabes: pleasurable buggering is dependent upon on three very simple, but oh so important things:
1. The will
2. Being relaxed
3. A considerate partner
First. You gotta really want to get fucked. This may sound elementary, but it’s not. Some of my clients secretly confess that they don’t want anyone near their precious tushie, and no amount of pleading and whimpering on the part of their long-suffering partner(s) is gonna change that.
For some, getting it up the ass is associated with domination, as opposed to pleasure. Manly men don’t bottom for nobody. (Oh, sure Mary, methinks you doth protest too much.) Others have religious reservations. (If God wanted me to get fucked, I’d have been born with a vagina.) Still others have aesthetic concerns. (Oh no, that’s way too icky and messy.) I can assure you that these boys and girls ain’t never gonna be an ass-fuckin’ bottom no how.
Second. Let’s just say you’re dying to get fucked, but you’re so intimidated by your top’s one-eyed monster (or the size of her strap-on) that your quivering asshole is like totally shut down. Chill out! Why not begin your sex play with your partner giving you a relaxing sensual back rub. After awhile he/she could move on to a little butt play (and I do me play). The object here is pleasure not penetration. Have him/her tease your asshole with his/her finger. A tongue works nicely too. (This is called rimming, but you probably already knew that, because you’re not a complete idiot, huh?) A gentle circular motion works best. Have him use his hands to spread your ass cheeks. This stretching motion will increase your pleasure as well as give him easier access to your rosebud. After a while, a lubricated finger can be inserted for a bit of a prostate massage, which is ohhh sooo delicious.
When you’re ready to kick it up a notch, have your partner try inserting two fingers or a small dildo. Rhythmic deep breathing will help keep you relaxed. And when you’re all loosened up and ready to become like one of them “porno guys,” you can him plug in the real thing. No more meat substitutes for you, huh?
Experiment with different positions. Try sitting down on that big old thang, or do it doggie style. Getting laid while on your side with your partner coming at ya from behind gives you a bit more control over the depth of his/her thrusting. And of course, there’s also the traditional missionary position; you on your back, legs spread eagle and your pumps pointing to the stars.
Third. Having a big dick (or a big strap-on) doesn’t automatically make a your partner a good top. A considerate partner, big dong or not, will happily join you in exploring your asshole. He/she will concentrate on pleasing you first, because he/she knows that an investment in your anal pleasure today will reap a harvest of mutual pleasure tomorrow.
Finally, there’s the little issue of anal hygiene, don’t cha know. When it comes to fucking, a clean ass is a happy ass. Remember when you bottom, your anal hygiene is your responsibility. Over the counter douches are okay, particularly if they don’t contain any chemicals. But a simple solution of warm water and a bit of vinegar or lemon juice works even better. It’s cheaper, too.
The more you know about anal health and hygiene, before you give up your ass for the first time, the more likely both you and your top will enjoy yourselves.
(Coming soon! Dr. Dick’s tutorial for tops. Don’t miss it.)