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How NOT to Spice Up Your Relationship

How NOT to Spice Up Your Relationship Jason Clapp
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  10 Things That Suck...

1. Chocolate body paint. We know that it’s “creative,” but OMG the mess! What’s so hot about sex that has to be followed immediately by some quality time with a stain remover and a load of laundry? Plus, the taste is way overrated. If we feel like eating chocolate, we’re going to buy the real stuff, not some chemical-tasting chocolate impersonator. But be careful, because the real stuff gets super sticky and borderline painful if you try to use it anywhere besides in your own mouth.

2. Shower intercourse. Good luck finding—and maintaining—a position in the shower without getting a cramp, wiping out, or knocking the soap dispenser off the wall. As for finding a position that’s actually satisfying, for both of you? No chance. We say, enjoy some manual or oral sex in the shower and then move to the bed (or other sturdy object) for actual intercourse.

3. Food for oral. Stuff like whipped cream, jelly, etc.—anything containing sugar, basically—near a woman’s sensitive parts can lead to infection.

4. Licking your partner from head to toe. That’s a lot of acreage to cover with a tongue, and by the time you’re done, you’ll feel like you just walked through the desert with no water. And your partner will start to feel chilly as all that saliva starts to evaporate. It’s even worse if your breath isn’t totally, perfectly fresh!

5. Humming during oral sex, a.k.a. a hummer. If you can pull this off—both giver and receiver—without cracking up or getting weirded out, then you’re stronger specimens than we are.

6. Accessorizing blowjobs and handjobs with anything besides lube. Magazines will tell you to put everything from a scrunchie to a donut to a pearl necklace to ice on his johnson. These magazine articles are never written by men. We even read one tip that a woman should put frozen grapes in her mouth before giving a blowjob. Just in case, you know, a guy gets turned on by chipmunks.

7. Real handcuffs. The metal, police-style handcuffs are painful and can actually cause nerve damage. Plus, good luck if you lose the key. Better to use purpose-made-cuffs that are more adjustable, more comfortable, easier to undo quickly, and all around safer.

8. Tracing the alphabet on her clitoris with your tongue. Sure, it’s good to try different strokes and speeds and pressures. But concentrating on your ABC’s will take you out of the moment so that you’re not paying attention to what actually works for her. Remember, all clitorises are different, and even the same clitoris in your life can have mood swings.

9. DIY sex toys. Go ahead and use your ping-pong paddle as a spanking device. But anything vibrating or insertable should be custom-made for the job. Put down the electric toothbrush and walk away. (Yes, we’re talking to you, Cosmo.)

10. Novelty intercourse positions. We’re talking the “Wheelbarrow,” the “Little Dipper,” the “Pile Driver,” etc. Intercourse positions that a) make you feel like rejects from a Cirque du Soleil audition, b) can cause serious injury, and/or c) have zero chance in resulting in orgasm? Um, no thanks!

  ... And 5 Things That Don’t Suck

1. Ripping off each other’s clothes. We don’t care that it’s a Hollywood cliché; it’s still totally hot. If you don’t want to spoil your fancy underwear or nice shirt, buy some cheap second-hand duds and wear them to bed. (Just wash them first, please. Otherwise it’s the bad kind of dirty.)

2. Embrace the dating clichés. Spend three hours at dinner and share a chocolate dessert. Hold hands in the rain. Sit in the back row at the movie theatre. Go for long walks on the beach. You don’t have to tell any of your friends what a cheese ball you’ve become, though when you see what it does for your sex life, you might just be tempted to fess up.

3. Fake a sense of urgency. When you’ve been together for years, you don’t necessarily feel urgent about sleeping together. It’s on tap, after all—it has been for years, and you assume it will be for years to come. This can make you nostalgic for the kind of frenzied coupling that takes place early in a relationship. But you can fake your way to this feeling. For example, instead of getting undressed before sex, make the first move while you’re fully dressed and leave some clothes on during the act.

4. Fabricate delayed gratification. In the same way, you can force yourselves to wait for sex, like you had to as a teen or in the early days of dating. Make out at the movies or in the car on your way to dinner. (And we mean really make out, like you never do in public anymore.) Grope each other under the table at a dinner party.

5. Read sex advice manuals. Glossy magazines aren’t necessarily terrible places to learn about sex, but there’s a lot missing. For example, we were once assigned to write an article for a women’s magazine about “the one thing men wished women did more in bed.” We interviewed a ton of guys, and the overwhelming majority mentioned a well-lubed pinkie in the backdoor. We submitted the piece, and our editor said, “Um, could you ask the men what else they’d like women to do?” Books, on the other hand, tend to be less squeamish about the details, because they’re not dependent on prudish advertisers.

“alot like LOVE” Photo by Jason Clapp

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Comments

I'm so glad you mentioned that sex in the shower isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I almost drowned trying to eat out my girlfriend once.

my roommates overheard the moaning followed quickly by sputtering and coughing and just about died laughing

05/04/2010
JPito  

Maybe we just got lucky with complimentary heights or something, but my boyfriend and I have never had a problem having shower sex (and it's something we do pretty frequently). The only problem we've encountered is running out of hot water a few times...

05/04/2010

Hehe this is great article. I would disagree with a few of the dont's (shower sex and using an electric toothbrush) but other than that woohoo! Jordan LaRousse

05/05/2010

Yeah, and I'm not so sure about the ice thing. The guy I'm with actually likes that and requests it. But still a good article. Glad you brought up the nothing sugary down south as that can lead to infection and the handcuffs. I enjoy being restrained but I'll never let anyone use handcuffs on me because of the horror stories I've heard about nerve damage and scarring.

05/07/2010

Any mentions of handcuffs always remind me of my college move-in day. When I moved into my first college dorm room, I was making my bed and found a set of handcuffs attached to the bed spring. I mean real handcuffs. A major professional football team used those dorm rooms over the summer so I immediately got images of wild post-practice parties. Sadly, the real origin of the handcuffs was more mundane: A prank that the previous occupants had pulled. Yes, I kept the handcuffs as a memento of my first year in college.... No, I didn't use them with anyone.

05/08/2010
csweatc  

Shower sex is always a bust. I have a very expensive and powerful sander that I have used on a former GF....she came so hard her eyes almost exploded out of her skull. Try it some day, just be sure to wrap it in a towel or something.

09/01/2010
mariboo  

I disagree about the shower sex! My boyfriend stepped in the shower with me and he just bent me over. No pain. No cramp. Probably the best sex I've had was in the shower.

09/13/2010


2. Shower intercourse. Good luck finding—and maintaining a position in the shower without getting a cramp, wiping out, or knocking the soap dispenser off the wall.
Apart from wiping out that is what can make it so damn fun to go for it in the shower . Used to shower twice a day with my ex.
running out of hot water was the biggest problem, although I did have a S/M scene in the shower with a fuck buddy deliberatly letting the watter get very luke warm (not cold) then Straight if front of the fire to warm up recover, cuddle, drink hot lemon n'Honey(best to avoid hypothermia)

06/26/2011

That made me laugh

04/22/2012

Novelty sex positions. You know that with half of those, they came up with a name first and then tried to find a position to go with it.

08/08/2012

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