This Way for Hotel Happiness
Is your sex life suffering because you’ve just got too much going on? Need a break from the job, the kids, the dog… your mother-in-law? Then it’s time to get your ass—along with the ass of the one you love—to a nice hotel (or bed or breakfast) for a little playcation. When you’re guesting at a hotel, you’re no longer a P.T.A. member, dog walker, employee, taxpayer, or boss; you’re a creature whose sole intent is to get your fuck on, so pack the kids off to Grandma’s and book a room. Just be sure to follow this list of handy dos and don’ts.
DO try something different. Hotels that have an unusual history can inspire some great sex and are easy to find on the Internet. For instance, a stay at the Stanley Hotel in Colorado (where horror writer Stephen King penned The Shining) or a bed and breakfast where a famous murder took place, such as the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast in Fall River, Massachusetts, may send shivers down your spine, but there’s nothing like a little tingly fear to bring lovers closer together. “Honey, hold me… I’m scared and horny.”
I’ve twice visited a haunted bed and breakfast on Maryland’s Eastern that dates back to the Revolutionary War. The story goes that as British soldiers came up the river, they tossed torches at the front porch, which the lady of the house swept off with her broom. Eventually, she made a deal with the soldiers—they could stay there as long as they didn’t burn down the house. Rumor has it, this landlady never left. The first time I stayed there, I heard heavy footsteps up and down the hallway during the night and a party going on in the room next to mine. When I inquired the next morning at the front desk, I was told that I was the only guest. Spooky…but also somehow, oddly exciting. My husband accompanied me for the second stay. In the middle of the night, the overhead light in our room turned on by itself. I sure hope the ghost wasn’t embarrassed by she’d caught us up to….
DO bring your own food and drink. A cheeseburger in a hotel restaurant is likely to cost $25 or more, so you’re best off bringing provisions. Find out in advance whether or not your room has a fridge and plan accordingly. If you don’t have a fridge, bring a cooler. If you’re bringing wine or beer, don’t forget the corkscrew and bottle-opener. And don’t—if at all possible—resort to opening the little bottles of booze the hotels provide, unless you’re willing to pay through the nose. If you bring food to incorporate into your lovemaking, be considerate. Leaving chocolate drenched sheets for the maid to clean up is not just tacky, it’s rude.
DO bring your laptop, a few porn CDs and some mood music. (I swear by Delerium, Enigma, and Lords of Acid for hotel sex.) Movie programs are cheap and easy to install on your computer, so give yourself a gift of sexy movies for your stay and stock up your iTune library.
DO bring your favorite sex aids including flavored lube, a vibrator or two, condoms, and any kinky paraphernalia that strikes your fancy. Some hotels have deep or sunken tubs, so if you’re lucky enough to check into one, make sure to have a bottle of bath oil and waterproof sex toys handy. If your party is poly, make sure you have enough condoms for all the players.
DO bring plenty of quarters for the Magic Fingers. You’ll laugh your ass off as you and your partner and/or playmates get it on.
DO bring a swimsuit if the hotel has a pool and/or hot tub. Lots of flirting goes on anywhere there’s a wet spot and bubble jets. Who knows? You may meet someone new to play with or add to your party mix.
DO make a habit of it. See if your favorite hotel has a frequent guest program. Once you build up a certain amount of points you’ll be eligible for free nights, free room upgrades, meal discounts and more.
DON’T forget to put the “Do Not Disturb” sign on your room door. You don’t want hotel personnel walking in on your fun. Believe me, I know. I was once going at it with a hot guy in a rowdy afternoon poke session when the maid walked in on us. My bad. I’d forgotten to put the sign up. The maid got an eyeful…but I’m guessing it wasn’t her first. (To be honest, getting caught was very stimulating and led to multiple orgasms after she’d gone.)
DON’T hold back. You’re not going to wake the kids. Who cares what the schmucks in the next room think? Moan and yell out your luscious orgasms and let everyone within earshot know you’re having your having the kind of sex they only dream of. Couple of things, though: This rule is applicable to hotels, since bed and breakfasts are much like staying in someone’s home and you’ll be face to face with other guests at breakfast the next morning. Also, knock it off at a reasonable hour. Everyone needs to sleep.
DON’T hole up in your room the entire stay. Get up. Walk around. Stretch. Visit the local sites like museums, parks and shops. Eat at a nice restaurant for at least one meal or two. Did we mention a visit to the hot tub or pool?
DON’T handcuff yourself to the sprinkler system. During the 1997 Disclave science fiction convention, someone snapped the fire sprinkler from the ceiling during a bout of kinky early-morning sex, flooding that room, the adjacent rooms, the lobby and a ballroom on the floors below. The hotel was evacuated. People are still talking about it.
DON’T just wear the same old same old. This is your chance to be your secret self. Women, dress up a slinky cocktail dress or filmy blouse that leaves little to the imagination; for guys, suit up in a fancy shirt and trousers. Not only will you look wonderful, you’ll feel energized and sexy as you sip your pre-coital cocktail at the bar. Go ahead: turn every head in the room. It’s a turn-on for them as well as you.
DON’T be anti-social. One point of going to a hotel is to meet new people and explore new kinks. Did we mention a visit to the hot tub or pool?
So now that you know the ropes—and don’t forget them if that’s what you’re into—go forth and make reservations. The hotel sex you’ll be having will give a whole new meaning to the term “room service.”