There you are, sitting in a restaurant, looking across the table at your intriguing dinner companion. As you gaze into their eyes, you consider all kinds of possibilities. Perhaps dating is in the cards; maybe they like to play the same games you do; or they could even become a significant part of your life. You smile and ask, "So, what are your interests?" The smile is seductive but the content is banal, and they say “I like movies, TV, reading, trying to new places to eat, and motorcycle riding, you know…all the normal things."

There is this mischievous glint in their eyes and they quickly wet their lips. Then they say, "Why? What are you into?" In that moment, the energy of the table rises. Both of you recognize the subtle shift as a possible segue into the realms of potential that waits. You long to go there, to explain all your true desires. The pivotal instant is here.

However, instead of delving into that wonderful place, the brain hamsters kick into overdrive. You experience a split second hesitation. A flash of understanding that what’s said right now will determine whether they will be stimulated, fascinated, and interested in continuing; or disgusted, throw their drink in your face, and run. What is more likely to happen when you reveal your interests? An inviting, demure smile or that recoiling, horrified look; which will it be?

We’ve all been in this situation. It occurs to us all that we might withhold sharing something so dear to our hearts (and loins) out of fear. So how do we handle it? What are some strategies for addressing your kink with prospective dates, lovers and partners? Is there a way to open the discussion with a maximum chance for acceptance, cooperation, or even better – active participation?

Let’s assume that you are starting from zero. You are going into a situation where you don’t know the status of your potential’s penchants. A good first step is to check for what we call, “Fertile Ground.” Essentially, you are looking for cues and clues to see if they are open to your their sexual proclivities. One of the best ways we have found is to poll their fantasy playgrounds, areas where they choose to spend their emotional and mental relaxation.

One area to inquire about is their reading preferences. This always says a good deal about them. If they read the Kama Sutra, The Marketplace series, or the Ethical Slut as their pastime…stop reading this right now, do some quick stretching, get some toys, lube, gloves or condoms, and get to negotiating. Unfortunately, it isn’t that easy most of the time. If their library is strictly limited to non-sexual topics, you may have a longer road ahead. But, if it includes works of erotic horror, romance, sexuality, or sensuality; you probably have a good base to build from.

Some other entertainments to delve for receptivity are their movie preferences, television shows they enjoy watching, websites or online activities, magazines, or even places they like to shop. There are many possible facets of a person’s life that can lead to discovering paths away from the vanilla. No matter which one you are discussing, the important part is actively listening for subtleties in what they say and how it is said. Don’t make the mistake of assuming or reading between the lines. If there are any questions, or you feel there might be something lurking between the lines; then explore what they have said further and follow the rabbit hole. You might be surprised at what you find there.

So how do we plant the seeds in that fertile ground? What can be done to foster kinky ideas? How can we encourage them to take root and grow? Plan ahead. Find specific sections of books, movies, or common television series that have elements of SM, Power Exchange or fetishes in them. Let’s illustrate a next step in testing for curiosity.

When steering a discussion that leans toward the sexual, we sometimes utilize a portion of mainstream media that illustrates our fantasies. For example, bring up the Dan Ackroyd & Rosie O’Donnell version of Exit to Eden. Hint that you thought it was an interesting idea, and wondered if there was an island like that. Or maybe you can open a discussion about the James Spader & Maggie Gyllenhaal flick, Secretary. Let them know the thought of controlling someone (or having them control you) was fascinating. Leave some silence to see the reaction.

When you actually go there, use non-threatening terms. Many people are freaked out by the term “BDSM.” But so many more are not at all concerned with the term “kinky.” We joke about, “coming to the Dark Side, because we have cookies.” But truly you can usually gain the interest of people easier with sweets, ala gentle pokes at the wilder side. It’s certainly better than scaring the shit out them with the worst horror stories you can think of. The idea is to lure them, not drag them kick and screaming…unless you find out they are into that. We know a kinkster who enjoys playing devil’s advocate. They like to talk about edgy or taboo kinks just for shock value; and while that can be fun amongst experienced lifestylers, that approach really doesn’t work well with this scenario.

If you are truly interested in the person, take your time, and probe with care. Follow their leads, and go at their pace. Remember, there are those who are trying to overcome a lifetime of being shamed about their sexuality and still others who cannot or will not move past their conditioning, their belief systems or other possibly limiting factors. But just as we would like them to respect our desires to continue being kinky, we must in turn respect their wishes to remain vanilla. So if you find your date unreceptive? Don’t try to play “twist the vanilla” with the unwilling. Because if we gracefully accept the “No;” someday, something might shift their paradigm, and we could find them back with us, asking questions.

When going into new relationships (Or opening kinky doors in established ones) there is always the possibility of being judged and rejected. During that initial revealing of our innermost self, we all can be scared, apprehensive or anxious. We are often unsure about how people will perceive us. Whether or not they with accept us for who we are because of our kink. It doesn’t matter how many times we go into this situation either. Each time we feel those same moments of trepidation and face that same cliff of fear. Choosing to leap from that edge is an individual decision. We all have to decide if living our sexuality authentically and honestly is worth the possibility of falling flat or flying high! So our advice? Be courageous and strap on… well… at least a pair of wings!