Dear Mr. Sexsmith,
I am a butch top, but I have started dating an aggressive femme, who is used to topping as well. I have converted her to a bottom and she loves it, but she still wants to touch me and I’m ok with that. Problem is, I am very tough to get off. I have had several girlfriends and it has been the same with them. I would rather top 80-90 percent of the time, but that other 10-20 percent I want to get off with her. This has been a morale killer is several of my relationships, but I continue to let them know that what they are doing feels good, but I just have a hard time coming. Also, when I masturbate I use a vibrator, but I have limited using it at my partner’s request. She has never had problems with her past lovers and is frustrated. Any suggestions?
Wants to get off with my girl
Dear Wants To Get Off:
Now this is an issue after my own heart (and cunt), since it sounds to me like my body works very similarly. You’re not coming easily. Why is that? Well, it could be a few things. Here’s some ideas to explore and some things to try.
There is nothing wrong with taking a long time. This might just be the way your body works. Some people’s bodies come over and over by the slightest touch. Some people can come from breast stimulation or from just hearing something really sexy in their ear. Some people can get themselves off, but are never or very rarely able to get off with a partner. Some folks are pre-orgasmic or anorgasmic, and never or very rarely have orgasms throughout their whole life.
Our bodies are different.
Certainly, some of that can be learned, and taught, and explored — but some of it can’t. I know women who have tried and tried to teach themselves to ejaculate (for example), and they are all sex positive and body positive and into kink and sex and play, they’re self-aware and smart and eager to experiment, but they still can’t do it, or only can very rarely.
Some people come over and over, quickly and easily. I don’t — I come hard, often screaming and yelling and swearing and crying, and it’s big and powerful and a little earthquake, la petite mort. In my experience, this is often the trade-off: the folks who come over and over have smaller orgasms that don’t last quite as long, it’s more of a spasm that contracts and then ends. Me, I even get aftershocks. Sometimes it takes five, ten minutes for my body to settle.
It might be time for some radical acceptance about how your body works. So maybe you don’t come over and over — but are your orgasms strong and powerful? Are they big, and leave you panting and shaking? Maybe not. But think about the things that are uniquely yours about your orgasm, and embrace them.
If you’ve never done it, consider using the voice memos app on your phone (or borrowing someone’s smart phone, if you don’t have one) and recording yourself while you get off. It’s kind of a fascinating process to hear what you sound like. When I heard myself come the first time, I thought, “Wow, I didn’t realize it was that much.” And because I had it recorded, I could see how much time it actually took for me to get off, start to finish, and also how much time it took for my orgasm to hit me and pass. Kind of interesting data.
So your girlfriend is frustrated that you don’t come more easily. How long are we talking here, anyway? I mean, is it a difference of you coming in twenty minutes, when she comes in ten or five? Or does it take two hours? Twenty minutes is not a long time. Hell, an hour is not even a long time. It might just take you and your girlfriend accepting that you take a long time to come, so if it’s going to happen, you both just have to settle in and accept that you’ll need an hour to finish the job.
When my girlfriend Kristen and I have struggled with this, what’s come up for us is an issue of trust — that she thought if I trusted her more, I would come more. That I didn’t want to let go, so I was holding back emotionally and holding back my orgasms. That was just not true. I don’t know how many times I had to explain that to her before she understood, but it seems like she gets it now, she has accepted that it just takes me a long time (and the trade-off is that my orgasms are pretty strong).
I get frustrated about it, though. I’ve struggled with wanting to get off more often with her, and we’ve been playing with a few things specifically that have been working very well.
Nowhere is it written that you can’t touch yourself, though this is often an unspoken understanding in a relationship. Here’s where you get a bonus: You’re the top! You get to say who touches who where and when, so you can make this happen. You can tie her down and touch yourself and make her watch, and lower yourself down onto her mouth when you can tell you’re almost going to come. Or get yourself almost to the point of coming with your hand or vibrator, then strap on and fuck her until you do come.
One way that I get off with Kristen is to lay out next to each other, hold her close, often I have my arm behind her head and she’s wrapped around my body a little. From there, I use my hand (or vibrator, or whatever I like, though usually my hand) to get myself off while she tells me a dirty story in my ear. Often she ends up urging me on and saying the kinds of things that she knows that I like (oh that girl has my number), and it helps me get off.
I really love being gone down on, but when someone does that, often it takes a really long time for me to come — even longer than if I’m using my hand or a vibrator. So instead of letting it take an hour (or more), sometimes I ask Kristen to put her mouth on me, and I’ll interject and use my fingers sometimes, then a lot when I get close, and she keeps her mouth and tongue and lips on my fingers or on my cunt. I love coming that way.
Last but not least, the vibrator issue: It’s true, a vibrator can — can — desensitize you a little bit, especially a big powerful chainsaw of a vibrator like the Hitachi. I’ve worried about that myself at various times, but I also know that even when I think I’m becoming more desensitized, my levels of arousal can completely vary depending on the day, hour, my emotional state, how clean my house is, what else is on my mind, how much work I have to do, all of that stuff. See if you can chart your levels of arousal for a while, try a 1-10 scale if that seems to work for you, and notice if it changes if you use a vibrator or not. There’s nothing wrong with using a vibrator to get off — not even using it to get off while she’s right there!
Remember, if she’s there with you, contributing to your orgasm, you two are having sex—you are not just getting off and letting her watch (though that’s good fun, too). She’s giving you energy with her presence and involvement that will fuel your orgasm. So touch yourself, suck her tits, ask her for her mouth on you, ask her to tell you a dirty story — experiment! I hope that helps.