Before the baby arrived, there was nothing shocking or outlandish about having a romp on a weekend afternoon, or staying up all night rolling the sheets. However, once itty-bitty’s here, if you are like my wife and I, you wonder when – or if! – you’ll ever again feel sexy or want to have sex.
For anyone who is reading this who hasn’t had a child already, I’ll be honest; the first few months are tough. You are too busy just trying to sneak in a little more sleep to even think about sex. It’s funny that something created from sex leads you to forget about the act for an extended period of time. A feeling of luxury, during those first few months, is not your wife dressing up in her sexiest lingerie and going down on you. Instead, “luxury” takes the form of a hot shower and an hour nap.
After those first few months have passed, you begin to think about sex again. A lot, in fact. Other parts of your life go back to a semblance of normalcy, but your sex life is a little more difficult to get back on track.
The first thing you have to realize is that your wife has been through a physical trauma to bring your bouncing bundle into the world. She passed something the size of a watermelon through something the size of a lemon, and that’s just not something you recover from quickly. It takes some time, and if she is nursing as well, the hormones that once had her jumping your bones when you walked through the door are dormant as she literally makes food for your child.
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Her sex drive will return in time, as her body heals as well. Once you both have the desire again, finding the time for sex is what’s difficult. As the parents of a now two-year old, we’ve had some time to figure out what to do to spark the fire in our relationship. I'd like to share some things that have helped us rekindle the passion in our sexual relationship.
You remember those before your children were born, right? You’d go out to a fancy dinner, or dancing and come back and tear at each other’s clothes throughout the evening. While those nights are not gone entirely, they are a lot more limited because you have to make sure the baby is accounted for. But you still need some time out, eating a place that doesn’t serve chicken fingers and engaging in adult conversation.
So, the first thing you need to do is to find a good babysitter. Maybe the teenage girl who lives down street can become your go-to person to watch the baby while you go out for a meal. Or maybe you’re lucky like us and have parents, or in-laws, that live close by and are more than happy to play with their grandchild while you get some time away. No matter whom you find make sure you trust them implicitly so that you’re not worried the entire time you’re out. Otherwise what’s the point in leaving the house at all?
The Golden Rule
The first rule of Date Night is, “You do not talk about the baby.” The second rule of Date Night is, “You DO NOT talk about the baby.” The third rule of Date Night is, “If someone talks about the baby, Date Night is over (but finish it anyway!), and must be rescheduled for a night when both of you can focus on each other.”
Instead, discuss work, friends, family, music, movies you’d like to see, and other things you don’t get to talk about anymore. This will help fire things along as well. You both will start feeling like an adult and not just a parent.
If you do have the parent option, maybe have the baby spend the night with them. Our little guy loves to spend the night at his grandparents’ house, and not just because they give him all the cookies he wants I think. A night alone, without the baby monitor can do wonders for your sex life. Having the time to kiss, engage in foreplay can feel incredible when you this has been a rarity for you.
Stay-at-home Date Night!
If you can’t find a reliable sitter, or if they’re not available when you’d really like to have an evening, is to make your own date night at home. Babies and toddlers go to bed early. By 8pm they are usually tucked into their crib dreaming of toys and cookies.
Take this time to make a special night at home with your spouse. Some of our best date nights over the past two years have occurred at home, with the baby upstairs. One of you put the baby to bed, while the other makes a nice dinner, or picks up takeout that you both will love.
Dress up! Wear that suit you never wear anymore, or the dress that makes you feel like a woman, and not just a mommy. Light some candles in the dining room, play some sexy music, and you’ve got the best spot in town without having to leave the house. Dance. Next thing you know, the fireworks are back. And the best part is, your bedroom and the couch are just steps away.
Kiss them every day.
Finally, make sure you make the time to kiss your partner every day. And not just the perfunctory peck that you give each other as you head out the door for the day, but a real, meaningful kiss at least once a day. It sounds simple, but it really stokes the fire and can lead to so much more.
My wife and I do not have all the answers believe me. We’re still learning about all of this, and our kid is two. We’re not sure how it will be once another one comes along, but for now these little things have helped us rekindle the fire that can go missing once a little one comes into the picture. I only hope that this can help you as well.