It’s Freaky-Deaky Time!
Experimentation. It’s a multifaceted bit of phraseology. Scientists conduct experiments in labs to unlock the mysteries of the universe. Social networkers conduct experiments on Twitter to unlock the mysteries of memetic theory. Philosophers conduct experiments of moral turpitude to unlock the mysteries of elitist ennui.
And couples—they experiment in bedrooms (well, not always in bedrooms) to unlock the mysteries of better sex. So let’s take our experimentation to the next level; after all we’ve covered—it’s time to bring out the big guns. That’s right—momma’s got a brand new bag. And it’s full of paddles, floggers, and restraints. It’s time to get your kink on!
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking of a cache of clichés which roughly translates to a leather-and-whips version of Dungeons & Dragons. Maybe you’re thinking of terms like ‘perverted’, or ‘abusive’. Well, it’s time to get over that—BDSM, or, if you prefer the more subtle blanket term of kink, is enjoyed by all walks of life (and not just the secret underground societies who wear flowing black cloaks and carry big fraternity paddles). Which, in short, means that you needn’t zipper up your mouth in order to get your freaky-deaky on. Unless you want to. Which is totally okay.
But first, for the uninitiated, let’s de-acronym BDSM—sound it out with us:
Bee: bondage; i.e., restraining someone in a safe and consensual manner.
Dee: discipline; i.e., you have been a naughty monkey; therefore I shall give you the discipline you so deserve and crave (in a safe and consensual manner). It also stands for dominance, i.e.: I am in control of what happens to do, so I do what I want to, and you do what I say!
Ess: sadism; i.e., the fetish (yes, we said fetish; get over it) of deriving pleasure from causing pain to another (in a safe and consensual manner!). It also means submission, i.e.: You are in control of me, and I will do what you say and let you do things to me.
Emm: masochism; i.e., the bookend to sadism—the fetish (that word again) of deriving pleasure from being caused pain (in a safe and consensual manner).
You’ll notice a recurring phrase: in a safe and consensual manner. Remember that—we’ll return to it in a bit.
Still not convinced? Well, consider this: over one-fourth of the moms I’ve talked to have at least tried some form of BDSM. And most of ‘em liked it enough to do it again.
; fill out the questions, and your responses might be featured in an upcoming column! (All responses are completely confidential.) ]
BDSM Helpful Hint # 1: Wanting to let your partner take the occasional upper hand (or have them eating out of yours) doesn’t mean that you’re in a bad relationship, or that you’re a bad feminist. Sometimes it’s refreshing to just let go.
As a mother and wife, Jen (who practices being submissive with her husband regularly) sometimes feels she simply wants to let go. “I pay bills, I clean house, I plan dinners, I care for sick children, I organize clothes, fold laundry, schedule activities, and keep us on a budget. Is it so strange then, to want simply not to make any more decisions? To give myself completely, wholly, to my husband and to trust him and his magic hands? I don’t think, for me, that it’s so unusual that all I want to do is to simply submit.”
But maybe you feel out of control a lot of the time, when the kids have a mind of their own, money is tight and you are a slave to your schedule. It might just feel good to be the one in charge and call ALL the shots (within reason, of course). This is where being the “dominant” one in the relationship comes in. This can mean anything from your partner simply letting you do whatever you want to them to giving orders and specific directions or using restraints so you are the game boss.
BDSM Helpful Hint # 2: Just because you have always wanted to hogtie your husband and make him call you mistress doesn’t mean he is going to be on board. The most important thing before doing any of this is to talk about it beforehand—at LENGTH. And have a safeword.
Getting Better Acquainted with Stoplights
Which brings us to the most important step of all: communication. Before you break out the floggers and handcuffs, sit down with your partner and talk about all your wild ideas, as well as all their wild ideas. Then you’ll want to form a plan for how it’s all going to go down. Don’t worry about killing off the spontaneity; trust and safety come first, especially the first few times around the (whipping) block.
The dominant partner needs to know their counterpart’s limits—what is acceptable and what is not, how hard is too hard, and if things stop being fun, what signal will make it crystal clear that they want out. That is where the safeword comes in. Pick a word that generally never comes up during sex and that can’t be confused for passionate pillow talk so there is no question when it’s time to stop. Some couples use the stoplight system to communicate each other’s status:
1. green—it’s all good
2. yellow—don’t stop, but ease off a bit
3. red—stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW
For couples in trusting relationships, employing these principles shouldn’t be an issue, as long as good communication and planning is in place. Always be aware of your partner’s wants and needs, and you could be on your way to bringing things to a whole new level in terms of intimacy. Without openness, honesty and respect, you might just be looking for a new blanket—for the couch; or, worse, a good divorce attorney.
“To decide to give yourself, your body and your mind over in that way,” says Jen, “is a powerful gift and privilege for the receiver. And if I were to decide that I no longer wanted to give that trust, that power, to him—I would not.” And her partner respecting those wishes (and being in complete control of his actions in order not to hurt her) is all important in making their sexual relationship work.
BDSM Helpful Hint # 3: Refrain from performing any acts of bondage, spanking or resistance play after a hard day at work or when you are angry or frustrated. Getting out of control while dominating your partner is a big no-no, and should be avoided at all costs.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me
Now some of you out there may be thinking that none of this sounds remotely sexy or fun, and you’re quite sure that you won’t be jumping in anytime soon. That’s okay—it’s not for everyone. After all, not everybody loves pistachio ice cream. However, there is something you might want to try that’s more of a universal pleasure: sensation play.
Sensation play is just what it sounds like—using all manner of tools and toys to create wicked new sensations on your partner’s (or your own!) body. Feather ticklers, vibrating massagers, hot oil, ice, wax—these may be more appealing to those who aren’t into the more extreme forms of BDSM—although, one should always feel free to experiment.
Either way, it’s all about exploiting the senses and providing pleasure through different kinds of stimuli.
BDSM Helpful Hint # 4: Although surprises are nice on birthdays and anniversaries, they are not as welcome in the bedroom. Hot wax on your husband’s bits or a piece of ice up his ass will most likely not be met with great enthusiasm if he doesn’t know it’s coming. Advance warnings, in this case, are of the greatest necessity.
The fantastic thing about BDSM and kink is that, as with the ice cream, you get to pick and choose your own personal gateway to nirvana. Lina, a 26-year-old married mother of two, likes being submissive, but not dominant. “I love being submissive with my partner and doing whatever he wants me to do. I would do anything; it turns me on so much. I dated this one guy once who wanted me to be dominant and it turned me off sooooo much! I am not into my men being submissive at all.”
But Rita, 37, likes both. “Both my husband and I have been both dominant and submissive. We both love the feeling of control balanced with the lack of control.”
See? The possibilities are endless.
BDSM Helpful Hint # 5: Be very careful when putting these theories into practice when your children are in la casa, unless you are prepared to answer your 6-year-old when he asks what Daddy did to deserve a spanking, and why is Mommy dressed like Catwoman. If you don’t already have a lock on the door, get one now. And perhaps save the stuff that causes loud, uncontrollable screaming for when the rugrats are at Grandma’s house.
Or you could always invest in soundproofing...