Motherhood and Intercourse—A Mythical Concept No More
Moms have sex. Furthermore, I have it on good authority that moms like sex. Even more shocking, it has been postulated that there are many moms, mommies, maters, and frau mamans who would like to have more sex. And better sex. That old cliché that sex comes to a screeching halt after marriage and that vaginas close up shop after childbirth unfortunately has some evidence to support it, but I am convinced that it doesn’t have to be this way. I do know for a fact some moms are living out their sexual fantasies and living la vida loca à la Jenna Jamison with their spouses, partners, submissives, (insert appropriate noun/pronoun) here.
The unfortunate reality, however, is that there are lots of moms who have to blow the dust off their diaphragms when the time finally comes, after a few too many glasses of pinot grigio and a sexy movie.
So why aren’t all moms out there having the kind of romps in the hay that they want to have? You know the kind—the type that makes your toes curl under, your blood race through your veins and your stomach clench in agonizing anticipation and desire. Yeah, baby! Gimme me a large plate of that, please, with a side of outrageously mind-blowing foreplay. But how often are moms actually enjoying this kind of much-needed release? Not enough, apparently, because from what I am hearing, most mothers’ bedside tales leave much to be desired.
Our Vaginas Will Never Be The Same…
Soccer moms, PTA moms and mini-van driving, carpooling moms alike all have sexual desires, fantasies and hang-ups, but I think we can all agree that becoming a mother changes many of our sexual habits. Pushing out that screaming, slimy ball of joy makes sex take on a whole new meaning. Not only have our reproductive organs changed in ways we never imagined, but now, our breasts have an all-new purpose completely devoid of sexual pleasure, and our stomachs look like deflated balloons covered in silvery scar tissue. Sexy, huh?
And you wonder why so many women are hesitant to go back to regular nookie sessions after having a baby? Our whole lives are turned upside down, making sex much less of a priority, and more a subject of anxiety and fear. Even after the vivid memories of childbirth have faded from our minds and the episiotomy has healed, the roiling sessions in the bedroom somehow don’t always naturally happen as they had before we became moms.
Soccer Moms Can Have Sex, Too
But our sex lives don’t have to die a slow, painful death. Even though midnight feedings and puke-covered clothes are soon replaced with kids’ activities and homework, it is possible to still feel sexy and fire it up in the bedroom while navigating through the suburban turmoil of being a soccer mom. Some couples find it easy to keep each other hot and horny and make the time to stoke each other’s fires, while others wade through hang-ups on body image, the inability to find the time, or fall into the lackadaisical attitude that they just don’t have the energy to try anymore. And I won’t even get started on the single moms who are trying to date and get some action without dragging their children into uncomfortable and traumatic situations.
What moms who are getting it on night and day (and are satisfied) have over the others is the ability to communicate their wants and needs to create the sex life that they want. So, why isn’t everyone doing that? It’s a good question.
Lights Off, Please!
Body image could be part of the answer. This little preoccupation is a hot-button issue that seems to prevail in almost all conversations I’ve had with moms regarding their issues in the sack. It is certainly something I can relate to. Before becoming pregnant, I was a Pilates instructor and massage therapist, in the best shape of my life—toned, trimmed and muscular. But I kissed all that goodbye when I became pregnant; I swear to God, I gained 10 pounds the day I saw that little plus sign on the pee stick—and it was all downhill from there.
I managed to gain a whopping 50 pounds while carrying my little seven-pound peanut, and let’s just say I didn’t come home from the hospital 50 pounds lighter. Not even close. Not to mention the fact that the cruel pregnancy gods tricked me by allowing me to admire my beautifully smooth, stretch mark-free belly, right up until ONE WEEK before I gave birth, when all of a sudden my stomach exploded in an ugly purple roadmap. Can you say bitter disappointment? Yeah, I think I cried a little that day. And I still do to this day, because, sadly, they are still there.
Getting Your Sexy Back
But that doesn’t mean that we can’t feel sexy ever again. The key is finding out what makes us feel confident and sexy—and doing it (and often). Even more important is communicating with our partner about what makes us feel uncomfortable and/or randy, whether it is a certain position in which we feel our breasts slapping our chin that reminds us just how un-perky they are, or if certain kinds of lingerie or lighting make us feel more sex-tastic. Your partner is there to make you feel good, but if he doesn’t know what makes you feel good, or more specifically, what makes you feel bad, then he can’t help you. Sex is a two-person sport—although it can be quite enjoyable alone—but when you decide to involve your better half, you both need to be in on the game plan.
“But Petra,” you may say, “we have three kids whose rooms are all in shouting (or screaming, wailing, etc.) distance of our bedroom. How do we do the deed when they are always there?” Because we know that, yes, those darn offspring are ALWAYS there. So where does that leave us parents, desperate for a little “hide the pickle” with our spouse, significant other, or date even? It means we have to get creative. It means we have to set time aside when we know the kids won’t be there, and possibly bribe our relatives to take the children overnight from time to time. The point is, it isn’t impossible. And that is something else we will discuss in our little quest for the Holy Grail of parental copulation.
The Birth of a Book
This Holy Grail is why I am here. I have decided to write a book on the sex lives of suburban moms to try to get to the bottom of why so many aren’t having the sex they want and need. And as for the ones who are burning the midnight oil and hanging from the rafters, what is it that they are doing right? I have been interviewing all kinds of suburban moms—married, single, gay, straight, dating—and there seem to be a lot of the same issues coming up. But I need a lot more dirt if I am going to really flesh out this burning issue. And that, my friends, is where you come in—my little dirty deed-doers.
I need you to send me your stories, your advice, your worries, fears and anxieties. We’ll discuss them here, and uncover the secret sex lives of the suburban mother. Here is where we can talk about the naughty little details that are verboten at play dates and PTA meetings, the things you’re embarrassed to talk about with other women because you just aren’t sure if it’s normal or acceptable. I can tell you this much: almost everything is normal, and acceptable is only a matter of personal taste. And above all, if it makes you scream and quiver while being intimate with your partner, then it’s all good in the hood, yo. (As long as there is no permanent injury or damage to your psyche as a result.)
So here is where you decide whether you want to be involved in a little piece of the first-ever book to really delve into the ins and outs of motherhood and sex. A book that will not only shed some light on how, where and when mothers are having sex, but their deepest darkest fears, emotions and concerns surrounding it and ultimately, how to create the sex life that YOU want as a mother, wife, spouse, significant other, dominatrix—whoever you are. Yes, that is what we are doing here; it’s time for moms to get together and talk about it, instead of hiding behind the preconceived notions and assumptions. Let’s leave those back in the 1950s, shall we? In 2009, us women, we use our words.
Let The Naughty Begin!
I would like to extend an open invitation to you to come back every week and explore, discuss and share with me. Send me your stories, your questions, and most importantly, what you would like to see hashed out here in the column, and eventually, in the book. I don’t care what kind of mother you are, and I don’t care what kind of sex life you have, I want to hear about it.
No fear, no embarrassment—just the truth. Bring it on. Tell your friends; they’ll want to know.
Cause we might just have some fun along the way.
Got something to say? A story to share? A question? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!