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Smokedawg’s Adventures in Wanking Part 2: Viscosity’s Better Than Friction

Smokedawg’s Adventures in Wanking Part 2: Viscosity’s Better Than Friction
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I’m sure someone will cringe at my headline and think, “This man has no idea what the hell viscosity is; it describes the level of friction in a fluid, so it can’t be better than friction. It’s a kind of friction!”

  Spit

Saliva is the original lube, used before primitive humans discovered animal fat, tree sap and bat guano and then quickly moved on to making, packaging and selling Astroglide. Spit is a good lube. It’s easily accessible and when it dries out, it’s easily renewed because it’s produced in abundance by your own body—except perhaps during an Arizona summer. The major downside is that your hand will then smell like spit, but you should be washing up afterward anyway. And if you’re jacking off in bed before going to sleep, just shove your hand under your pillow and it won’t be a problem. You drool on that pillow all night anyway.

  Commercial Lubes



The very same lubes that serve to prepare a woman’s vagina when she’s not able to do so naturally, or just needs a bit of something extra—or you’re trying to get inside a tighter hole because you’re both finally drunk enough to try anal sex for the first time—well, they are great for masturbation, too, of course. They can also be pricey for the really good stuff. Not that you necessarily need primo lube for jacking off, but they can make for an even nicer experience. In any case, it’s your wallet and your penis, so make whatever choice feels right. Better yet, read some reviews of the products at EdenFantasys. They have lots of lubes of different types, and plenty of people to rave or complain about the specifics of each one (thickness, taste, how long before it dries out, etc.).

If you don’t spend a lot of time during any single jerking session, you won’t need anything that lasts too long, in which case your biggest issue may be whether it cleans off easily and/or whether it might leave any greasy stains. If you like more prolonged action, I’d recommend getting a water-based lube that lasts a while without drying out, or getting a silicone-based lube, which will last damn near forever and easily wipes off (also, a tiny bit goes a long way with most silicone lubes).

  Petroleum Jelly

This is fairly cheap (especially if you get a store brand instead of Vaseline, or get some obscure petroleum jelly sold at a dollar store) and a small amount can go a long way. Also, it starts off thick-feeling before warming up and becoming more fluid, and a lot of guys like that. I know I do. Downside is that it can stain some materials, though frankly I’ve never had much problem washing it out with a hot washer cycle. Some people don’t like the smell, but there are plenty of scented ones.

Frankly, I stay away from any of the ones scented like baby powder or anything “fresh” as they just seem freaky. Might be your thing, though. When I get a scented one, petroleum jellies with cocoa butter work best scent-wise. But also, I don’t mind the natural petroleum scent; it’s faint enough not to make me think I’m jacking off at a refinery or gas station.

Tip for washing it off your hands and cock: Use shampoo. I find that a plain old inexpensive shampoo brand like Suave, for example, along with fairly hot water, will strip off the greasiness pretty quickly.

Remember, petroleum jelly isn’t condom-safe. Then again, you just jacked off…why would you need to slip on a condom any time soon?

  Getting More Exotic

I have tried many an “alternative” lube in my time, because I just like variety, I’m more than a little kinky and I love new and different sensations. I could go on and one about dozens of choices—in fact, I used to have a printout from a web site long ago that outlined the pros and cons of almost every conceivable fluid for jacking off. But I won’t. I’ll just hit a few highlights here to open your mind and jumpstart your imagination.

Hair conditioner—It doesn’t dry out very fast and it’s very conveniently located if you want to knock out a quick one in the shower. Also, unlike shampoo, it’s not going to dry out the skin of your penis potentially.

Shaving cream—This was one of the first substances I used after discovering masturbation in my tween years. Any kind is nice, though I found the gel ones felt best, with a cool, slippery consistency before turning into a slick foam. I’m still amazed to this day that my dad never chastised me for clearly being responsible for using up his shaving cream before I even had facial hair; he had to have suspected since it would often get used up after I spent a really long time in the bathroom taking an imaginary crap. However, be advised that shaving cream can dry out your skin, so using one with moisturizers may be best.

Syrup—I mean pancake syrup, or table syrup. I don’t mean 100% pure maple syrup, which is really expensive, very thin in consistency and way too tasty to waste on a cock unless perhaps someone is sucking it and wants a flavor sensation. No, I mean the stuff in the cereal aisle that is mostly corn syrup, with a little splash of real maple syrup in it (or just maple flavoring). I imagine that actual corn syrup would work just as well. In any case, syrup is interesting because it feels both slippery and sticky, though I’m not sure how that’s possible. It’s very messy though, and requires a bit of cleanup, so be advised.

Honey—Much the same as syrup above, but in my experience, much more sticky and tacky and not nearly as slick.

Peanut butter—I’ve never jacked myself off with my hand using peanut butter, but I have fucked a couple of full jars. Don’t laugh. OK, go ahead and laugh; I’m sure it looked ridiculous. But it feels great. I buy a cheap off-brand peanut butter, in a jar just long enough to accommodate most of my erect penis, and I plunge in. The sensation of going in and out is great and the peanut butter will pretty reliably stay in the jar. Also, when you come, you have a place to catch it all and then throw it away. Getting it cleaned up off your cock is a bit of work though, so this is a once-in-a-while thing unless you have a food-related wet-and-messy fetish thing going (I do, slightly).

Oil—I don’t mean motor oil, despite what you might think from my earlier example of the motor oil commercial. I admit I’m kind of curious what motor oil would feel like, but also concerned about what it might do to my skin and how horrendous cleanup might be. What I do mean is cooking oil, like vegetable oil or olive oil. A lot of people use olive oil as a skin conditioner, so there’s ample precedent, and it stays slick and wet pretty much indefinitely, with cleanup not being too bad.

So, there you have it. A plethora of suggestions for getting your freak on a little (or just making things more comfortable) for a good wanking or a handjob from someone dear to you.

Now, if you’ll pardon me, the pantry is beckoning…

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