Talk is Cheap – So Buy In Now
There’s a time and place for any and all flowery declarations of love. And sometimes, sex is that time and place. But there are instances – maybe on occasion, or maybe daily – when “ah, ma chérie amour, je t’aime, je t’aime!” just isn’t going to cut the Grey Poupon. Sometimes you need a pronouncement that carries a little more immediate oomph, a little more vim and vigor – something that carries the immediacy of your esprit de fuck.
Or, to lowbrow it – sometimes you just gotta get your Bret Michaels on. Because nothing says ‘rock of love’ like a little dirty talk.
Talking dirty in bed is like giving a presentation for a group of one – you have to know your audience, what they want to hear and how they want to hear it. Know your partner’s tastes (literally and figuratively), and you’ll be doing the dirty talk like a pro.
Okay, maybe not necessarily like a pro.
Let's just say you can gain a certain...fluency. Without purchasing Rosetta Stone.
The Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say on Television but You CAN Say in the Bedroom
Speaking of professionals, you might want to avoid trying to sound like a porn star. It’s gonna sound hokey. And, for the record, hokey and hot do not a fine combo make.
And while you’re at it, don’t try emulating the late, great George Carlin, either. Yes, you can say all seven of those dirty words, but keep in mind that you’re not doing schtick or trying to be subversive (or particularly brilliant, for that matter); you’re trying to turn your partner on.
Let the tone of your voice lead the way in your quest for dirty talk. A deep, soft, sensual tone invokes authority and aggressiveness while a light, high-pitched voice portrays passiveness and femininity. Choose either style and go for it. Switching tones in the middle of a sexual encounter is like switching quarterbacks in the middle of a football game – it rarely works. Keep it simple and maintain your tone, and fun will be had by all!
Why Alex Trebek Might Be Onto Something
One way to introduce dirty talk is to pretend you’re on Jeopardy – that is, phrase your responses in the form of a question. Make a request – “do you want to _____?” “Would you like it if I _______?” (You can fill in the blank for yourself.) You can do this in a strong or a passive voice, but be sure that your tone fits into your partner’s sexual persona. For instance, if a woman is trying to lay some dirty talk on her somewhat uptight man, spewing out the phrase, “would you like me to gnaw on your taint?” probably isn’t going to yield a positive response.
If your partner’s a little bashful, have a talk about loosening some of your inhibitions. After all, variety is the spice of life. Then try a well-timed whisper in your partner’s ear; something innocuous to start with, and slowly ratchet it up as she or he loosens up to it.
The point here is not to shock your partner into a legs-wide-shut frame of mind. Remember – the brain is the biggest sex organ we have – and that which giveth can also taketh away. Which means you might want to hold off on calling your lady-friend a ‘ho, or your man-friend a stunt cock.
“Would you like some making fuck – berserker!”
- Weird headbanging dude from Clerks
Here’s an easily-accepted misnomer: Men, regardless of age, orientation, education, and/or choleric intake, love dirty talk. Whereas women, those dainty creatures of sense, sensibility, and taffeta gowns, don’t want to hear anything other than “all I want to do is make love to you”, with or without the shimmering mirage of Ann and Nancy Wilson in the mirror.
Let’s be adults here and call a big round of bullshit on all that. Unsolicitous of gender, orientation, age, and/or TV-viewing habits, we are all sensual creatures. ‘Sensual’ refers to the five senses – one of which is sound. Which means that we all get off on one form of auditory stimuli or another – and for many of us, that means an evocative earful of dirty talk. So let’s just forget about all that.
If you’re going to jump in, jump in with your clothes still on. It’s not like the senses are turned off until full-on nakedness is achieved. So start out with a little subtlety. Send a dirty text message on his or her cell. Or a flagrantly filthy instant message. Or maybe even a quick phone call from the office, assuming it’s safe on both ends of the line: “hey, lover – I can’t wait to see you tonight and _______.” Click. Let ‘em chew on that for the rest of the day. They’ll be itching to chew on you that night.
“You Can _____ Me Up the ______; Or I can _____ You Up the _____, All Right”
- Matthew Sweet, “Does She Talk”
Another dandy sleight of tongue of dirty talk is a matter of telling your partner exactly what it is that you want, but saying it without, ahem, discomposure. Some of us get a little bashful when it comes to expressing our desires. The art of dirty talk can smooth that over, however – it’s just another form of roleplaying.
For instance. If you can’t bring yourself to say, in mutish sotto vocce, that you would really enjoy it if your partner would _____ you up the _____, no big deal. Get your prowl on, get your vamp on (or out, as it were), and say it in someone else’s voice. Because that’s all role-playing is, really; it’s just trying on a different voice – or another voice inside you which might not see the light of day/sex very often.
And you don’t even need tequila to bring it to the fore.
Practice Makes Perfect
Regardless of gender, orientation, or credit rating, chances are that whoever you are, you’ve got a little vamp inside you heel-kicking and shimmying to get out. You’ve just got to tease it out. So if you’re still feeling a bit bashful about it, try this – masturbate. Right; like you needed an excuse or invitation to. But while you masturbate, concentrate on a specific fantasy – not just visually, but aurally as well. What’s your partner/object of high fantasy saying? What are you saying?
That’s step one. Because if it gets you all atingle, chances are that it’ll do the same for your partner – or, at the very least, your partner will get more worked up in the knowledge that you already are.
Step two: find a mirror. Strike a pose – make a little kissy-face; let that vamp come out. Now practice saying your fantasy phrases. Get comfortable with them; make them your own. Keep in mind that it’s very rare for uncertainty and hesitation to translate to hotness. You’ve got to own it – you’ve got to wear it. You’ve got to pwn that sucker. And when your partner sees that you’ve owned it, pwned it, and worn it out, they’re gonna respond in kind.
And when you’re both of a like or lovely mind, there’s nothing quite sweeter than payment in kind.
Cuts Like a Word-Knife
Words, while being only words, are like any other tool: when used improperly, they can cut or injure. Thus, please be mindful in the selection of your libertine lexicon. Words like 'slut', 'whore', 'nutgobbler', 'Congressman', etc., can be great trigger words for some people (and don’t mistake for a moment that their usage is singularly female-based); however, others may find them distasteful, if not downright offensive. The point here is to know your audience. Paul McCartney doesn’t take the stage to an adoring, paying crowd of fans, only to start playing death metal. He’s gonna play “Hey, Jude”, because that’s what the audience dictates. And so, you too must take your cues from your audience of one (or more!).
Know your audience.
And don’t be afraid to deliver an encore.
Leetspeak for the Randy Geek
So you’re sitting at your desk in your box-shaped cubicle in an L-shaped office that hasn’t seen the light of day since it was originally constructed as a fallout shelter. Your cognitive brain is bandaged in integers and profit margins, when all of a sudden, from your pocket comes the unmistakable ‘blurp!’ of your cell phone announcing a new text message. You pull it out, only to be greeted with a blurry jpeg of your lover’s genitals, with the half-leet-spoken words, “I W@N7 T0 FUCK U.” Your work concentration has been shattered; you’d like to stand up, take a walk, formulate a response (in both words and picture), but your face is currently the color of McIntosh apples in October, and you’re a little sweaty, too. Best to stay put.
Notwithstanding the lurid headlines splattered across the front pages of the Liberal Media Elite, dirty texting is not the sole province of teenagers or High School Musical alums. Just about everybody has a cell phone these days; and just about everybody’s cell phones come pre-equipped with texting and camera utilities. Which just gives you yet another way to reach out and touch someone.
So SMS some S-E-X, baby.
Bonus Rounds: Bad Libs
Okay, you’ve made it through this little primer on dirty talk. So let’s see how much of it sunk in – here’s a little pop quiz to ascertain your lascivious loquaciousness. We guarantee that this quiz is far more fun to do in bed with your partner than the insipid crap you find in _________________(title of low-brow male/female-oriented periodical here).
The PG Round
1. You sure are _________________:
D. a dead-ringer for Craig Ferguson
2. Say my ___________!
B. credit score
C. social security number
D. motto: judgment is not as impaired as it appears
The PG-13 Round…
3. I want to get ________________ with you.
4. I need you ________________________.
A. right now
B. very soon
C. in the year 2019
D. to re-read Poe’s “The Telltale Heart” for me, naked, and sweating profusely like the main character
The Roleplay-Themed Round…
5. You’ve been a very _______________________!
A. bad boy
B. naughty girl
C. anthropologically confusing hominoid
D. incompetent CEO/CFO
6. Be my ____________!
C. official biographer
D. sous chef of love
The Downright Filthy Round…
7. ______________ me until I explode!
D. throw Tic-Tacs at
8. Eat my ___________, baby!
B. external clitoris, making sure to pay a modicum of attention to the labia minora, please
D. leftover pasta primavera
9. Don’t _________!
B. look at me
C. make me tell your momma
D. sing that goddamned Fleetwood Mac song while we’re having sex, you doofus
10. I am so ____________ for you right now!
D. moderately enthused
Key: for every A, score yourself 10 points. For each B, 7; for each C, 3; and for each D, subtract 10 points.
Score: 80-100: You are positively filthy; a cunning linguist of unparalleled lustfulness. Congratulations!
50-79: Well, you’ve got the general hang of it. But you’re still holding back a little. Practice saying “I want to fuck you” 10 times a day. And add Prince's Black Album to your iPod posthaste.
Under 50: You are in need of remedial smuttiness. Watch a few Nina Hartley films, read some erotica, and loosen up a little.