The Meme of Bad Pussy Eating
Sex education is a crowded field. You can ‘how-to’ yourselves all night and day; however, sometimes the best way to instruct is in more of a 'how NOT to' sort of way. Unfortunately, there is no delicate way to approach this other than coming right out and saying it: If you (men or ladies; bad sex is an equal-opportunity endeavor) find any of your current techniques on this list, you may be guilty of Bad Pussy Eating. And if you have a pussy, then you already know that there are few things in this world worse than Bad Pussy Eating.
Now, I’m all for open communication, but if you're more the passive-aggressive communicator (not admitting it means you are), then this column is for you. Just set it up as your screensaver for a week or two...your partner will read it eventually.
And so, in the spirit of the ‘25 things’ meme so popular on Facebook, I offer you my 'Top 25 Things Not to Do When Between a Woman's Legs’, in no particular order of offense…
So you've met someone – and by 'met', I mean to say that you’ve been dating for a while and/or just had a few drinks with (whatever; I am not here to judge). So let's fast forward to the 'happening' stage. If you're like me, you have a vagina – and like oral sex. Personally, I find it to be an excellent icebreaker and a perfect first-date activity; and no, you may not have my number.
Oral sex often finds its way into foreplay, and that is all well and good. We like a bit of a taste test, kind of like the freebies at the end-of-aisle demos at Costco. It's fascinating what we'll try when proffered, isn't it? "Why yes, I'd love a mouthful of corn dog, served in a tiny paper cup, which I'd never buy or ingest in any other setting, thankyouverymuch." But that's another column entirely.
So where were we? Right. It's go time. Take a deep breath and hope, if you’re the lick-ee rather than the licker, that the person with his or her head between your legs is not guilty of any of the following...
1. The Cow Lick. Not as in bad hair, but rather as in the bovine variety of tongue movement. The Cow Lick is noted for the flattened tongue and the overreaching area it covers. It can start as an almost-rimming and continue as far north as your navel. It tends to be repeated excessively. If you have been Cow Licked, you know it.
2. Mr. Scratchy. A five o'clock shadow is nice, but not when being raked against one's tender bits. No one (except, brief shout out to you BDSM pain sluts out there) likes clitupuncture.
3. Misguided Enthusiasm, or a little thing I like to call Lost and Refusing to Stop for Directions. Dude is going to town, like an ADD sufferer in hyperfocus—only he's not on your clit. His current target is your urethra and all you can think of is your impending UTI.
4. Tongue-Fucking. Just don't do it. If you have our pants off and you can successfully maneuver your way though Phase 1, you will be given the opportunity to fuck us for real. Really.
5. The Howard Hughes, or Unkempt, Too-Long Nails. There is only one reason for a man to have long nails and I can't say it here, but rest assured, we don't want Mr. Can't Find My Nail Clipper down there. (See number 2.)
6. Rimming without Permission. Sure, we've spread our legs for you, but this is not the Golden Corral. It is not an all-you-can-eat buffet PLUS dessert bar. Seriously. Discuss this first.
7. Kissing Us on the Mouth After, Sans Courtesy Wipe. Seen many auto-cunnilingus videos on YouPorn? Some like it, some tolerate it, and a good (from my straw poll) 80% will throw up a little in their mouth. I can't stress this enough—when in doubt, ask.
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8. Lick-n-Stick. You know who you are. You are only there because AstroGlide is $13 bucks a bottle. Your saliva doesn't have the staying power. Trust me.
9. Clit Slap and Tug. (See number 6.) Some like it; some don't. But you don't want to be the guy who slaps a clit only to find a print of an acrylic stripper heel in your forehead. You have been warned.
10. Heated or Flavored Lube. Look—we're delicious as is. I liken this to fine dining and asking for catsup with your filet.
11. The Lizard Lick or Snake Tongue. You know this guy. He doesn't like it, and if you Google 'hesitation' his thumbnail will pop up. If you don't like it, don't do it. Save us, and you the visible pain of your discomfort.
12. Gum-Chewing. I don't want to be minty-fresh. If I did, I'd insert an Altoid. Or a Listerine strip.
13. Slurpy Mouth Noise. It's distracting and cuts into our fantasy that you are Brad Pitt/our best friend's husband/your roommate. Can you believe we think such things? Just kidding, as far as you know.
14. Coming Up for Air or Starting a Conversation. If you have not been specifically instructed to stop, do not. Rhythm-breaking is like being sent back to GO in Monopoly. You could have bought Park Place, but you stopped and are now headed for jail. And there’s no Get Out of Jail Free card for this one.
15. Surprises. Don't like them. You have a butt plug in your pocket? Good for you. As long as you plan on using it on yourself and not springing it on me. I am trying to have an orgasm here. Please don't ask me to multitask.
16. 2 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink. I am not completely opposed to it; I just hate the phrasing. And again, ask first.
17. Waking from a Dead Sleep to Find Your Head Between My Legs. If I met you in that aforementioned ‘drinks at a bar’ scenario, I might not remember your name, and 'hey you, stop that!' just sounds so impersonal.
18. No Play by Play. This is not ‘Muff-Day Night Fuckball’. For all of you who enjoy twittering, tweeting and who were born to be sportscasters calling the Final Four, more power to you. Me, I like my oral silent and steadfast.
19. 69. I am getting personal here. I know there are fans aplenty, but I liken it to playing offense and defense at the same time. Pick a side. Seriously, I can not focus on what you are trying to achieve when your cock is halfway down my throat.
20. Thigh Nibbling. Nothing to see here. Move along. Or up.
21. Blowing in It. What is this all about? The queef is one of the most unflattering noises that can be made in the bedroom. Why anyone would want to create a situation where that might occur is beyond me. A small aside on queef etiquette: It didn't happen, you didn't hear it, and it is to be ignored completely and totally.
22. Failure to Respond to the Shoulder Tap. I'll decode the Shoulder Tap for you: Single tap; ease up a bit. Two taps; that is not my clit you're working on. Three taps; we're done here. ‘Yer out!’
23. Biting. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
24. Failure to Pause After Orgasm. You like it when we keep blowing you after you're done? Gets a bit sensitive, n'est-ce-pas? Same here.
25. Mr. Learned All My Moves from XXX Porn. This guy separates your labia with index and middle finger, goes down like he's trying to resuscitate the pussy, then suddenly and without warning begins a series of attacks and flagellations of the clit. He is the worst of the worst and the most likely to incorporate all of the above offenses into his repertoire. Please remember, when watching porn, the stars are paid for a reason. Don’t try it at home. You could get hurt.
Having had my say, I must now confess, having tried it myself, that it's not as easy as some make it sound. Having just a couple of failed attempts under my belt, my confidence was shaken. I questioned everything – and I have a vagina. So if you're still out there fighting the good fight, bless you. I'll be content to continue to learn from a 'what not to do' perspective. With my hips on a pillow and a notepad in my hand.