If you've never been past the kinds of teas that come in teabags and are sold at the grocery store, you're in for an eye-opening experience. There's a lot of ground to cover, I don't have much space, and you don't have much time before your next sexual encounter, so let's get to it!
A good cup of tea is like good sex: the more you know about what you're doing, the better it gets, so let's start learning! You can use tea in a teabag or loose-leaf, but loose-leaf really is best. Many stores sell it in bulk so that you can try a lot of types without commitment. While size isn't everything, of course, one tablespoon of tea per cup of water is a good rule of thumb, and make sure the tea has room to expand 2-3 times its dry size. Temperature and steeping time vary by tea; like lovers, teas take different amounts of time and atmosphere to warm up to their full potential. If your tea doesn't specify, look below for general rules. You can measure your tea water temperature with a (clean) meat thermometer.
A word on doctoring your tea: don't let anyone tell you how to do it! If you prefer Splenda or cream to the traditional milk and sugar, that's fine. Experiment. Be aware that if you're accustomed to heavily doctoring the kind of tea you get at Denny's or out of a box of prepackaged teabags, you may not need as much for tea that's been steeped in the right temperature of water for the right amount of time.
So there you are in the tea aisle, wondering which of the hundreds of choices that await you will perfectly complement your next nookie session. While there are some outliers, most teas fit into one of four types, so let's meet some teas and play matchmaker!
Bachelor #1: Black Tea.
Health: Caffeinated (although not as much as coffee); can be dehydrating.
You know it from: "Breakfast" teas, Captain Picard's beloved "Earl Grey, hot," and most tea automatically served at your favorite Chinese restaurant.
Personality: Aggressive, with stamina!
Pet peeves: Being made "wimpy." A good black tea deserves a proper brewing!
Seeking: A sexy beast looking for a quick pick-me-up before a romp in the sheets.
Hotness: Piping! Dunk into water at 212 degrees (boiling).
Stamina: Can go the distance, but no marathon runner. Steep for 5 minutes.
Bachelor #2: Green Tea.
Health: Excellent source of antioxidants. Less caffeinated than Bachelor #1, but still enough you might feel a pick-me-up.
You know it from: Jasmine tea, or perhaps green tea ice cream.
Most misunderstood quality: Some people think green tea tastes bitter because they've only had poorly-prepared stuff.
Personality: Herby/"grassy," ranging from intense to delicate.
Seeking: A health-conscious lover who would like a refreshing but not too sweet before-bonking beverage.
Hotness: Medium. Let this one slip into something comfortable at 160-180 degrees.
Stamina: Likes it nice and easy. Steep for 3 minutes, tops.
Bachelor #3: White Tea.
Health: Said to be good for heart health and perhaps even help prevent cancer.
You know it from: Not much! White teas have yet to really hit it "big."
Most misunderstood quality: White teas do look quite pale in the cup, but can still pack quite a taste.
Personality: Delicate and nuanced.
Seeking: A sweetheart who enjoys the subtler forms of romance.
Hotness: Mild. Keep it at foreplay level between 150-160 degrees.
Stamina: It's all over pretty quick! 2 minutes take this tea from dried to fried.
Bachelor #4: Herbal Tea.
Health: A cornucopia! Whatever you'd like, herbal tea can deliver, since the types are only as limited as herbs themselves.
You know it from: Chamomile tea as a soothing sleepy-time drink.
Most misunderstood quality: It's not technically "tea." There are no tea leaves in it, only herbs. (This also means no caffeine.)
Personality: As varied as the herbs within — check the ingredients!
Seeking: Anyone who knows what they want. Whether you're an anxious one who needs to relax before the big date or a slow-to-arouse sweetie wanting zip, you're covered.
Hotness: Blazing! Steep in 212-degree water (boiling).
Stamina: Crazy. Steep for 5-10 minutes, sometimes more — this one can go as long as you can!