If you've never been past the kinds of teas that come in teabags and are sold at the grocery store, you're in for an eye-opening experience. There's a lot of ground to cover, I don't have much space, and you don't have much time before your next sexual encounter, so let's get to it!

A good cup of tea is like good sex: the more you know about what you're doing, the better it gets, so let's start learning! You can use tea in a teabag or loose-leaf, but loose-leaf really is best. Many stores sell it in bulk so that you can try a lot of types without commitment. While size isn't everything, of course, one tablespoon of tea per cup of water is a good rule of thumb, and make sure the tea has room to expand 2-3 times its dry size. Temperature and steeping time vary by tea; like lovers, teas take different amounts of time and atmosphere to warm up to their full potential. If your tea doesn't specify, look below for general rules. You can measure your tea water temperature with a (clean) meat thermometer.

A word on doctoring your tea: don't let anyone tell you how to do it! If you prefer Splenda or cream to the traditional milk and sugar, that's fine. Experiment. Be aware that if you're accustomed to heavily doctoring the kind of tea you get at Denny's or out of a box of prepackaged teabags, you may not need as much for tea that's been steeped in the right temperature of water for the right amount of time.

So there you are in the tea aisle, wondering which of the hundreds of choices that await you will perfectly complement your next nookie session. While there are some outliers, most teas fit into one of four types, so let's meet some teas and play matchmaker!