Too often we hear about people getting ready for a sexual encounter by turning off the lights, turning the music up, and getting under the covers. Then there is the cursory five minutes of the same old foreplay, that turns into ten minutes (if you are lucky) of grunting and moaning. Finally, there is the clean up. After the sweat dries and we grab a snack, return to discussing the daily grind, or promptly begin to snore. When did that routine become acceptable?
What happened to that nasty, hot, dirty, sexy talk that we all wanted to hear? Where was that piece we read about in Penthouse letters? Where the woman was gasping; clawing furrows down the back of her lover as she moaned, “Deeper! Slide your hard cock into my wet, hot cunt! Make me come! Please!” And his dominant response, “take it, take it all, you slut! Beg me to make you scream! I want you to squeeze the base of my cock when you come!” Where is all of that hotness in the real world?
Not only can it be difficult to say things like this in the heat of the moment, but it can be even more difficult to speak our positive desires when asked outside of a highly sexual setting. How often have you been sitting at a table, and been asked about “What you like in bed? Did you pause? Or, without a moment of inhibition, clearly say “I love having the inner lips of my pussy licked, gently at first; then hard, oh yes, very, very hard.” Or perhaps, “I really think it is incredibly hot when you look up into my eyes as you are frantically stroking your hard cock for me.”
Did reading (or possibly even visualizing) the above make you shy away, blush, or did you get a little hot in reaction to the words? We want to briefly illustrate that we all have a reaction to sexy or erotic utterances. Remember that this is an individual response, and can go any number of ways based on our personal history. But what about learning more? Can anyone learn to freely and wantonly engage in this form of communication?
When we break it down, the act of opening your mouth and actually asking for what you want (and what you don’t) is really simple. We do it all the time, don’t we? When we go to any fast food restaurant, do we stand at the counter like blathering idiots? Of course not! We clearly and succinctly ask for that double cheeseburger without pickles, the large fries and medium cola. If it comes with pickles, do we slink away and take it? Hell no! We demand what we want.
Why isn’t it the same in sexual situations? Why is it that we don’t give ourselves permission to voice our sexuality? During our upbringing, we have been mostly trained to be discreet and “hush hush” when it comes to sexual discussions, topics and freedoms. Because of this it has become difficult to express our sexual needs, wants, and desires. As a matter of fact, we hardly talk about sexual facts or activities directly with lovers or intimates, much less close friends. How does this affect our sex life? It can have a huge impact, especially if you have a desire for personal auditory porn.
Let’s look at one of the areas where not speaking up sucks (and not in a good way). So there you are, performing cunnilingus on your (possibly) receptive partner. You think everything is going smashingly. She is wet, occasionally moves, you hear a moan now and then. You shift your position, and are able to look up – and to your surprise, you see her yawn and look at the clock! You pause and ask, “How does that feel?” Her slightly flat reply, “Oh, that’s great baby.” Do you believe her? Of course not!
What next? If you are blatantly honest and speculate on your observations, you risk opening Pandora’s Box here. It may really work to open up a dialog between you and your partner about what is and is not working, or you may end up sleeping on the couch for a week or three. Just know that this is an opportunity to begin a wonderful conversation. If you start from a semi-vulnerable spot, you may create just the right energy to allow for some honest communication. What should you say?
We worked through this with a great game. The name of the game is, “If you don’t say anything, I’m not going to do anything.” Here’s how to play: one of us would begin some mouth or hand to genital pleasuring, get the other excited, and then abruptly stop. The one pleasuring then says something like — “Lover, it would really turn me on if you would direct me. I will start, and you can just give me hints. Say — left a little, or faster, more tongue, more teeth, etc…, but if you stop talking, I stop whatever I’m doing.” “Entry level” games like this make it easier to direct your partner with monosyllabic words like “Right,” “Harder,” or our personal favorite, “Now!”
Another “game” that works fantastically is reading erotica to each other. We tried watching porn, but there wasn’t enough variety in the sex scenes. And let’s face it, sometimes there’s even less dialog in porn than there is in our bedrooms. However, written sexual scenes tend to use many more spicy terms, adjectives, and generally get us hotter!
Hearing our partner read steamy sex scenes to us is hot in and of itself but sometimes it’s even more fun to add another little trick that we love. Use the book, magazine, or story as a narrative. We actually draw on the text as our guide — anything that happens in the book, one of us acts out (or as close to as possible), as the other is reading it. Needless to say, there were nights that we didn’t get much past the first couple pages!
Once you release some of the inhibitions surrounding talking dirty, you can build on the basics. Longer strings of words can be added to your repertoire. Move into more detail based on your comfort level. You may not want to jump right into the deep end of the pool with something like, “Make me splash my come on your face, you big cocked stud!” Or, “Slide that pole deep into my ass and make me scream like the whore that I am.” But don’t worry, that might come in time.
Hopefully you now have a few more ideas to get “orally skilled” in bed. Just remember, if you want to become more salaciously verbose? You do it the same way you get to Carnegie Hall. Practice, Practice, Practice! Find a partner who is also auditorily arousable. Open your mouth and say something. Step up to the plate, and speak it out. Even if the words don’t flow directly from your genitals to your vocal chords (which they eventually will), start talking. You’ll be glad you did.