I am so excited for you! It’s such a thrill to watch you blossom into your own sexuality and forge ahead with erotic explorations. For too many years you’ve denied your desires and then struggled to come to terms with them. Now, as you’ve discovered there are others like you; a community of people who enjoy the same things you do, you radiate with the joy of finding acceptance and common ground, a place where you could be heard and let’s not forget, get hot play.
I know you’re about to rush out the door for a play date, but would you take a moment and hear me out? I know everybody and everything you’re encountering seems exciting and wonderful, but will be potential pitfalls, heartaches and dangers along the way. I’m your friend so I’d like to do my best to help you avoid them.
Remember, whatever desires, roles or labels we take on, we’re people first. Respect yourself, respect others and choose to be with those who respect you for all that you are. Even the most gloriously degenerate and depraved play must start from a place of mutual respect and return to that afterwards.
You didn’t get this far in life by being a doormat; so don’t let people walk all over you just because they say they can. You are powerful. Choosing submission from a place of power is beautiful. Find a person who appreciates and treasures that. You’re like a hot-blooded racehorse; under sleek beauty simmers great energy. But you get to choose who will take your reigns, so don’t let just anyone take control, or you’ll get taken for a ride. Be choosy — you’re worth it.
Common sense still rules. Don’t leave it at the dungeon door. Trust your intuition and gut feelings. They won’t let you down. They’ve served you well in the mainstream dating world, and they’ll serve you well now. Remember when you dated Mr. Handsome? He was all slick, smooth and a hot lover who said all the right things. Remember how that turned out? Big time disaster! The same happens in kinkdom. There are just as many smooth talking self-centered bastards with great play skills — don’t assume everyone you meet has your best interest at heart, even if they say they do. Take the time to find out who they really are before you jump into anything.
Take time to make friends you can trust. Honestly, dominants come and go, but friends will be your lifetime support, asset, second opinion, conscience, warning bells and shoulders to cry on.
While you’re newly exploring, try playing with many tops and dominants to see which one suits you best. Some people will try to tell you that a “good” submissive can be trained to serve any dominant. But, it’s no different than dating; personality, chemistry and mutual interests are still just as important as they’ve always been. Where bedroom chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean good boyfriend material, great kink skills or dominance doesn’t make him great boyfriend material.
Remember, tops and dominants are people too. They have their flaws, strengths, good times, bad times and vulnerabilities, just as you do. Be kind to them. Like you, most are working hard to figure it out themselves. They don’t have all the answers, and they’re also continually evolving. Some have a hard time coming to terms with even that. If they make a genuinely well-intended mistake, and own it, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Many people will offer advice, companionship, even protection to you when you’re first starting out. Some will be genuine offers of assistance and friendship; others will have their own agenda. Ultimately, you are in charge of taking care of yourself. When you are considering playing with someone, you need to gauge if you’re going into play in a good place physically and emotionally. You need to take care of your pre-scene and post-scene health and heart. You need to state what sort of after care you need and from whom during negotiation beforehand. Maybe certain aspects of your aftercare need to come from someone other than the dominant you played with. If so, you need to arrange for or ask for what you need beforehand.
During a scene, you need to state if things are not working. You absolutely have the right to say ‘no.’ Yes, bottoms and submissives get to have a say in their own boundaries, what works and what doesn’t. This doesn't automatically make you bad or topping from the bottom. If a dominant can’t deal with your boundary setting, you don’t have to deal with them.
Surrendering is delicious. It’s like a fantastic vacation from every day pressures. You can take these mini-vacations, but you don’t get to check out of life and your responsibilities.
Deep play can give you clarity of vision and perspective on life. It can be meaningful and feel therapeutic. But that doesn’t make it therapy. Kink can’t fix you or your problems — nor can any dominant. That’s up to you and your life’s work.
In this adventure you’re having, you’re going to learn a whole lot about yourself. Some discoveries will be amazing. Some will be amazingly challenging. No matter what, love yourself — because you’re utterly lovable, powerful and amazing.
You are dear to me, my friend.