For better or worse, we have a feeling that this problem is going to be less of an issue in coming years -- because most of the women who are concerned about their partner's porn habit didn't come of age in an era when pornstar memoirs topped the bestseller lists and prepubescent girls wore fitted tees adorned with the Playboy Bunny logo. In other words, women who have not yet learned that porn is not a mistress, it's just a business.
But for now, it remains a huge stumbling block for many couples. While we can sympathize with our sisters on this one, we're afraid we can't side with them. After all, very few sexually active women can say they've never entertained a sexual fantasy involving someone (or something) other than their partner -- and we certainly can't sic the thought police on those who have. What's "appropriate" is so subjective when it comes to sexual fantasy, and lines are difficult to draw. There's one's imagination. And then there's erotica. How about erotica with illustrations? Or sex manuals with photographs? What happens when you swap those photos for videos? And where does a website that offers sex toys and sex-related articles fit into the picture? We may like some of the above and abhor the rest, but who are we to say where the line gets drawn?
Now, this is not to say that every man should have carte blanche to ogle any kind of porn whenever and however he wants when he's in a relationship with a woman with strong opinions on the matter. Each relationship is different, and each man's relationship to porn is different. And there's a huge difference -- at least, most women would see a huge difference -- between rubbing one out to a Playboy centerfold and getting off on gang-rape porn. There's a huge difference between the occasional porn-supported wank and a true addiction that negatively affects his real sex life, his job, his ability to bathe and call his mama regularly.
But if both of the relationships -- the one between the man and woman and the one between the man and his smut collection -- are healthy, balanced, and mature, then we don't see what the problem is. So long as a man is not prioritizing porn over sex with his One True Love, and so long as it's not affecting the amount of sex he's having with her -- BFD. And most (well-balanced) men we know only indulge in porn when their partner is out of town or out on a ladies' night, so it's not like most women are ever going to walk in on their man wanking to a Web site.
That all said, sometimes a man's porn habit does affect his partner, and it can really damage the way she views sex with him. We don't think any man should have to sacrifice his masturbation habit (in the same way we don't believe a woman should have to give up her favorite vibrator once she's in a relationship), but we don't want any woman's sexual confidence to suffer, either. So here are five tips to help women understand men's relationship to porn. Ladies, read on with an open mind -- and gentlemen, feel free to quote us liberally when explaining your habit to your partner:
1. Have you ever ogled a movie star on screen? Men's "appreciation" of the women of porn is no different: just a fleeting fantasy. We're not going to say that Hollywood and the porn industry don't have underlying negative effects on collective body image issues or expectations about sex and love, but most intelligent people can differentiate between fantasy and reality. When it comes to porn, men don't wish you looked like any of the women they wank to -- part of the appeal is that they DON'T look like you do and most of the time they don't look like anyone they'd take home to meet their mama. (Sorry, pornstars, no offense, we're just trying to help out some ladies in distress here.)
2. It is possible to be an ethical consumer of porn, so feel free to ask your man to be one. This means being confident that everything on screen is consensual, of-age, and safe, and that no actual women were harmed in the making of the film. Seriously, most animals in Hollywood movies are treated better than your average pornstar, so make sure he's being a conscientious consumer (female-produced porn is often a safe bet). This may well be enough to ease your mind, you'll find.
3. Consider this: For most men, masturbation is basically just about scratching an itch. And most men need a little visual stimulation in order to scratch that itch.
4. Try the whole "walk a mile in his shoes" theory: YOU masturbate next time you're apart from each other, either alone or on the phone with your partner. You can practice by masturbating in front of each other first. We're pretty sure you won't feel like you just cheated on your partner, even if you think of Bradley Cooper while you do it.
5. Would you perhaps feel better if you were part of your partner's porn collection? Offer to pose for a few saucy photographs that he could peruse next time you're out of town -- or just at the supermarket. Or make your own home porno together -- you could always shoot from the head down if you're feeling shy.
We've said it before, and we'll say it again: monogamy can be a long, hard slog sometimes, and if we could only cut each other a little slack in the fantasy department, we reckon there'd be a lot less infidelity in this world.
But for now, it remains a huge stumbling block for many couples. While we can sympathize with our sisters on this one, we're afraid we can't side with them. After all, very few sexually active women can say they've never entertained a sexual fantasy involving someone (or something) other than their partner -- and we certainly can't sic the thought police on those who have. What's "appropriate" is so subjective when it comes to sexual fantasy, and lines are difficult to draw. There's one's imagination. And then there's erotica. How about erotica with illustrations? Or sex manuals with photographs? What happens when you swap those photos for videos? And where does a website that offers sex toys and sex-related articles fit into the picture? We may like some of the above and abhor the rest, but who are we to say where the line gets drawn?
Now, this is not to say that every man should have carte blanche to ogle any kind of porn whenever and however he wants when he's in a relationship with a woman with strong opinions on the matter. Each relationship is different, and each man's relationship to porn is different. And there's a huge difference -- at least, most women would see a huge difference -- between rubbing one out to a Playboy centerfold and getting off on gang-rape porn. There's a huge difference between the occasional porn-supported wank and a true addiction that negatively affects his real sex life, his job, his ability to bathe and call his mama regularly.
But if both of the relationships -- the one between the man and woman and the one between the man and his smut collection -- are healthy, balanced, and mature, then we don't see what the problem is. So long as a man is not prioritizing porn over sex with his One True Love, and so long as it's not affecting the amount of sex he's having with her -- BFD. And most (well-balanced) men we know only indulge in porn when their partner is out of town or out on a ladies' night, so it's not like most women are ever going to walk in on their man wanking to a Web site.
That all said, sometimes a man's porn habit does affect his partner, and it can really damage the way she views sex with him. We don't think any man should have to sacrifice his masturbation habit (in the same way we don't believe a woman should have to give up her favorite vibrator once she's in a relationship), but we don't want any woman's sexual confidence to suffer, either. So here are five tips to help women understand men's relationship to porn. Ladies, read on with an open mind -- and gentlemen, feel free to quote us liberally when explaining your habit to your partner:
1. Have you ever ogled a movie star on screen? Men's "appreciation" of the women of porn is no different: just a fleeting fantasy. We're not going to say that Hollywood and the porn industry don't have underlying negative effects on collective body image issues or expectations about sex and love, but most intelligent people can differentiate between fantasy and reality. When it comes to porn, men don't wish you looked like any of the women they wank to -- part of the appeal is that they DON'T look like you do and most of the time they don't look like anyone they'd take home to meet their mama. (Sorry, pornstars, no offense, we're just trying to help out some ladies in distress here.)
2. It is possible to be an ethical consumer of porn, so feel free to ask your man to be one. This means being confident that everything on screen is consensual, of-age, and safe, and that no actual women were harmed in the making of the film. Seriously, most animals in Hollywood movies are treated better than your average pornstar, so make sure he's being a conscientious consumer (female-produced porn is often a safe bet). This may well be enough to ease your mind, you'll find.
3. Consider this: For most men, masturbation is basically just about scratching an itch. And most men need a little visual stimulation in order to scratch that itch.
4. Try the whole "walk a mile in his shoes" theory: YOU masturbate next time you're apart from each other, either alone or on the phone with your partner. You can practice by masturbating in front of each other first. We're pretty sure you won't feel like you just cheated on your partner, even if you think of Bradley Cooper while you do it.
5. Would you perhaps feel better if you were part of your partner's porn collection? Offer to pose for a few saucy photographs that he could peruse next time you're out of town -- or just at the supermarket. Or make your own home porno together -- you could always shoot from the head down if you're feeling shy.
We've said it before, and we'll say it again: monogamy can be a long, hard slog sometimes, and if we could only cut each other a little slack in the fantasy department, we reckon there'd be a lot less infidelity in this world.
Still hurts sometimes,,,
I assume that everyone I ever sleep with will masturbate, fantasize about someone other than me on occasion, and that many of them will watch porn.
That's great! I'm their lover, not their Big Brother. Since when do relationships have to extend to mind control? I find that a little creepy.
Sometimes when I watch porn with my partner, I'm a little intimidated by how perfect the girls are. If I'm not feeling particularly Goddessy that day, I'll say to him, "You know, this isn't putting me in the right frame of mind for us to have wild monkey sex. Can we turn it off and watch it another time?"
If I ever feel like my partner's solo sex habits are edging out our sex life, I say, "I need some reassurance. I feel like you don't want to have sex with me and that's upsetting." (I've never had that happen, but I think it's a fear for some people and if it is -- talk about it!)
If fantasizing and masturbation are nearly universal, and watching porn is a close second, what does it say about our society that A) we know this is the case but B) if we ever catch you doing it we will be shocked and our feelings will be hurt? Are we saying to men "part of your sexuality is dirty and nasty, and I know you do it but I never want you to show it to me"? That doesn't seem too healthy to me.
Thanks for the article. Should do a lot to smooth some feathers in the couples depsrtments.
I don't consider masturbating to porn cheating. I think porn is okay but in moderation. There are men who let it consume them and it affects their personal relationships. I believe if a couple agrees to watch it together from time to time it can spark up their sex life. Too much of anything is not healthy though. Some men take it too far and they cheat on their partner in some cases. I read a post written by a woman who is worried that porn is ruining her marriage.
[https://www.peoplesinsight.com/articles/2-relationships/291-i-consider-him-addicted]
Thank you for this article! When I was younger, I used to be very insecure and I believed that any time a man watched porn, it was because he preferred looking at or thinking about the women onscreen. I felt like they were somehow one-upping me and they turned him on more. Now I have thought about it, and considered that isn't what is happening. Yes, maybe some men fall in love with porn stars (though probably not more than the number of women who love movie stars) and that perhaps it's not the particular girl onscreen they want so badly- it is just that they're doing really sexy things and seeing that makes you feel almost like you're there, which can be just the push men need to have an orgasm. After I thought things through this way it gave me a much healthier perspective, and I wish I had seen this article back before I figured this out for myself, as it could have saved me from some arguments where I was in the wrong!
I don't have a problem with porn, per se if taken in moderation. but it bothers me when my husband would sometimes rather look at porn than initiate sex with me. It feels like porn is an easy way out for him. He gets to blow off steam without needing to worry about what I want/need. Plus I know there is stuff out there that I wouldn't be comfortable doing. Maybe he is insecure about the things he would like to try. We have had discussions about this but it hasn't gone any farther than that. At one point I thought he was cheating on me, but it turned out he was looking at beastiality videos. That really bothers me, but how do I bring it up? Any advice for how to broach the subject? Beastiality seems a little extreme to me.
So what happens when your partner *is* rubbing one out to gang-rape porn or watches porn you suspect (because you know people in the industry and have heard rumblings about a certain director or company) is not ethically produced? How do you have that conversation and what exactly do you say?
My personal opinion is I'd much rather have my man watching porn and taking care of buisness, then prowling at the neighbors house and finding it there. I think masterbation is totally normal, it is a release and if you partner is not there (or even if they are, its fun to have them watch) whats the harm in it? Hell you could pick some stuff up from watching your partner making themselves feel good, chances are they have had an intimate relationship with themselves much longer then they have with you and they know exactly what they like. I know I do. And as far as the pron goes I think everyone has their fantasies and thier kinks and sometimes you may have a kink you fantasize about but don't necissarily want to try or your partner doesnt want to try such as a gang bang... whats the harm in indulging in the fantasy via video feed? You get off to your fantasy without having to actually go out and do it. And lets face it, I dont think there is anyway your partner can be available to you every single time you want to have a little fun. I have a pretty high appetite for sex and I like to make myself feel good and when he isnt available I dont think that should stop me, and likewise with him. I don;t want to be a hinder on him getting his play time. I feel like it only becomes a problem when he starts leaving me out completely, then it is time to re-evaluate talk it out and maybe try something new.
I'm fine with porn so long as he doesn't always choose porn over me. Once in a while, sure, that's ok because I do that too - it's just a mood.
But repeatedly to where I feel shunned? That's when I speak up.
Yes and No. I have a problem with it only because I do have self concious issues about myself. However, I was also married to a man that was a porn addict. Im talking like he would watch/view it before work, after work, before bed....while I was sleeping. He even signed up for a dating service to not meet chicks, but to get photos from them! ugh. So needless to say, Im really against it, but that is because I have had some really bad issues in the past with it. It eventually led to him cheating with my cousin while I was sleeping down the hall. So, yeah, for those of you that think "porn addiction is not an addiction"...think again.
Im not against it
Im not against it