Sex and the Suburbs: A Little Experimentation Goes a Long Way

Lots of moms—especially new ones—suffer libido slumps from time to time, but there’s nothing that gets the female engine lubed and purring quite like the battery-operated motor of a mommy’s best friend, the vibrator. This hot little item seems to be the most popular in the mommy crew when it comes to sex toys. Big ones, small ones, latex, and plastic—these puppies come in every shape and color, and are even going green now that manufacturers have recognized that women are much more environmentally responsible these days. And while vibrators and dildos certainly come in handy when you are going it alone, they are also lots of fun to employ with your partner, either by having him use it on you, by you using it on yourself for his visual stimulation, or even using it to pleasure him—if he’s into that sort of thing.

Mary, one of my recent interviewees, told me that she and her husband recommend the vibrating cock ring for couple’s play. “My hubby and I have several toys,” she enthuses, “but one of our favorites is a jelly cock ring that vibrates—effectively turning him into a vibrator!” (Is it getting hot in here? Seriously?)

It may take a little trial and error before you find the toy that really pushes the right buttons. Allison, 35-year-old mother of three and sex toy aficionado, told me: “I tend to use sex toys more as a private thing, although my husband and I use them together on occasion. I have quite a few, but my favorite is definitely the little clitoral vibrator. I just bought one of the larger, more lifelike ones that’s anatomically correct as well. That’s pretty fun. The important thing is to know what turns you on. All the bells and whistles are no good if they don’t get you in the right spot.” So true. And speaking of the right spot….

Butt play seems to be a real bone of contention for many couples, primarily in heterosexual relationships in which the man is all for it and the woman is all “Hell no!” This is especially true of women who have recently given birth. For a very long time, in my younger years, I was completely opposed to having anything anywhere near my derriere during sex. However, as I got older and began trying new things with my husband, I was able to relax my inhibitions. I found that anal play could be pretty fantastic when done the right way, which for me meant with adequate lube and without the element of surprise.

Now I am not talking about full-on anal sex yet here (that gets its own column, and don’t worry, we will be talking about that soon enough). What I am talking about are booty-centric toys such as anal beads, butt plugs and anal vibrators. Yes, I know, many of you are going, “Ewww!” shaking your head and saying, “I don’t do that,” because that’s exactly what I used to say.

I got over it. So can you. The point is to start small and slowly. Trust your partner and be sure to communicate with one another about what feels good and what doesn’t. It may take a few sessions of using a particular plaything before you actually get any pleasure out of it. That’s completely normal. Or, you might find that said toy just doesn’t do it for you. Maybe you’ll decide to put away the butt plug and opt for sticking with vaginal goodies. Either way, at least you tried it. And if you liked it, you might be ready to foray into the wonderful world of anal sex. Okay, so wonderful might be an overstatement, but for some, anal is all that and a bag of chips. Maybe it will be for you, too. Do you really want to miss out on that? I didn’t think so.

When many everyday moms hear the word “fetish,” most likely they think it’s a term that’s far removed from anything that could describe their interests in the bedroom, but there are lots of fetish toys that don’t necessarily involve hanging from the ceiling, or the risk of unintentional injury. “I never thought I would ever be into getting tied up or blindfolded, but when I tried it with my husband—who I trust completely—I found that I really enjoyed it,” says Brandi, a 29-year-old mother of two toddlers. “Now it’s one of our favorite things when we’re looking to put some variety in our sex life.” Sure, some find the danger and mystery of heavy-duty BDSM (which we will also get into at a later date) titillating, but for many, BDSM Lite is the perfect combination of tastes great and less intimidating.

If you love having your partner lightly stimulate the sensitive areas of your body, consider getting a feather tickler for him or her to run up and down your arms, legs, between your thighs. (A bird in the hand might be worth one or two in your bush.) Using a blindfold is great for building anticipation. Lack of visual input can really amp up the physical sensations and add a whole new dimension to your foreplay or lovemaking. You never know what’s going to come next—except him or you. And if you are looking for a little power play, and the thought of having complete control—or none at all—gets your juices flowing, maybe you want to try out some light bondage. Getting tied to the bed might not seem like the best way to spend a Saturday night, but for some, it is just what they need to turn mundane intercourse into an explosive evening of carnal pleasure. Whether you are the “trusser” or the “trussee,” just be sure to negotiate in advance what your limits are.

One line of products that doesn’t necessarily fall into the category of “toys,” but can be great for spicing things up is lotions, lubes and oils. Oh, yeah baby, a good massage with a warming oil or a stimulating lotion on your naughty bits can be a very inexpensive and simple, non-intimidating way to get started with having sex “outside of the box,” so to speak. They come in a wide range of flavors now, too, so if your partner loves him some strawberry-peach-mango, you can probably find a corresponding lotion or cream for him to lick off your sensitive areas. Yum.

So all this talk of sex toys and accoutrement may seem tempting, but you will need to make sure that your kids don’t stumble on your stash and start asking questions you will not be ready to answer until they are at least 30. The answer is simple. Get your own toy box—one with a lock on it—and keep it in a place far away from curious little hands and eyes.

Be careful about cleaning up after your experimental sessions too. Note to self: Don’t leave the handcuffs attached to the bedposts. Remove anal beads from the chandelier. Clean properly. Store as directed for future use.

Believe me, the last thing you want is to walk in on your child playing Cops with a brother or sister using your pink, fuzzy handcuffs as a prop—or worse, having to explain to Mrs. Larson why little Emily arrived for Show and Tell with your Bonsai Joy vibrator and a jar of Astro-glide.