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Sex and Anger, Part 1

Sex and Anger, Part 1
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  Same-Old, Same-Old Blues?

Some so-called “experts” will tell you that when sex loses its edge, it’s a sign your relationship has “matured.” Don’t you believe it! Yes, that potent hormonal cocktail may no longer be clouding your powers of perception, but that doesn’t have to spell the end of hot sex with your partner.

When it comes to amore, it isn’t so much familiarity that “breeds contempt,” but a build-up of unexpressed emotions—especially those emotions we consider “negative.” Unresolved anger is often the cause of low sexual desire in long-term relationships.

Sex and emotions are inextricably linked because humans are not machines. Finding the right button, the magic formula, or some other quick fix may transform the monotonous into the ecstatic, but the improvements are short-lived.

The unattached can also experience sexual boredom in spite of sexual variety. Flitting from one transitory experience to another can be tons of fun, and you may be able to sustain that erotic edge for quite awhile. But in time, even this will begin to wear thin as you find yourself craving “something more.”

In addition, I’ve found that suppressed anger is a huge factor in sexual dysfunction for both men and women. Conditions such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation for men, or the inability to orgasm or female ejaculate for women, are not always due to physical problems. Often, the source of such problems is emotional.

  Fighting the Good Fight

Sex should actually be getting better over time. But like any good thing in life, you do have to pay a small price for admission. What is that small price?

You must be willing to learn how to have constructive conflict. If you don’t know the rules of engagement, you will surely create more harm than good, and some part of you knows that. That’s why many of us avoid conflict altogether, but avoiding conflict kills good sex.

So, you have two choices:

1.) Enjoy a mediocre or non-existent sex life in order to avoid conflict, or…
2.) Learn the rules of the road and enjoy a life of passion.

The bottom line: Your anger and your sexual passion travel together. You cannot separate them. Make friends with your anger, and you will experience a rebirth of all your passions!

Please do not assume you can solve your issues simply by acting angry. Acting out anger increases our feelings of being angry, and can lead to dangerous outcomes: such as alienation from relationships we value, destruction of property or even arrest. Suppressing our anger is damaging but so is acting it out.

While most of us have seen only two ways—acting out or holding it in—there is a third way. That path is the path of anger management—and it can literally change your life.

  Stop Using Sex as a Weapon

How do we manage our anger instead of controlling it or acting it out? The short answer is that we learn to take responsibility for our feelings; breath into the moment so we can get in touch with the thoughts and feelings behind the anger, and determine what we need in order to resolve those feelings. That might involve changing our thinking, or requesting a change in circumstances from the person with whom we are interacting.

In the context of a sexual liaison—whether for one night or for a lifetime—anger management skills can assist you in staying fully present in your mind, body and spirit, and deepen your connection with your partner(s). This leads to more emotional safety and trust, which naturally and effortlessly arouses our libidos, and can even improve sexual function.


Next month: Sex and Anger, Part 2

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Comments

Excellent article. Thanks.

11/25/2010

Interviews with Veronica Monet

  • Veronica Monet was a high-end escort who catered to married men for nearly 15 years. Now she teaches couples to create compassion, connection and a revitalized sex life through specific communication techniques. How did her work as an escort prepare her for her current role as a Couples Consultant?

    There is nothing predictable about Veronica Monet's life. Born to conservative parents and homeschooled, she went on to graduate college with honors and then pursue a seven-year corporate career. Addictions to alcohol and cocaine led to therapy and her eventual sobriety which framed her subsequent life choices in a spiritual context. Amazingly, this change in direction included a new career in the sex industry much to the dismay of everyone around her including her family and closest friends. During her 14 years as a high-end escort and courtesan, Veronica Monet was married to the love of her life and when she wasn't traveling with wealthy businessmen and staying in expensive hotels, she was home with her husband and step-children living a quiet and relatively normal suburban life. Today, Monet, divorced and still in a loving and romantic relationship with her ex-husband, works with other couples sharing the communication and sexual techniques which have helped her to sustain a meaningful connection with the same man for nearly three decades. Veronica's work with couples includes role-playing conflict resolution and activating the heart connection which naturally rebirths relationships and revives romance. How has the industry changed since Veronica began her career? Is this a career path that she would recommend to women today? What important lessons has Veronica learned along the way? Please join us in welcoming Veronica Monet to the Community Interview!

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