Recently, I’ve had a couple people from the EdenFantasys community message me, finding me on my blog and other websites wondering where I was. Wondering why I wasn’t writing. So I think first and foremost I want to thank those people. I had no idea my absence was not only noticed but also missed. Way to give a girl warm fuzzies!
The reason, however that I didn’t write for a long time was because my owner let me go. It was hard and writing was just not in the forefront of my mind.
Since then he and I have reconciled, however it’s still rocky. I’m still a little bit on guard hoping we don’t go our separate ways again. When we did though, I discovered something. We as a kink community have put a lot of effort into teaching safety to the newbies. We’ve worked hard at being welcoming and helpful to those just dipping their toes in. What about those that have been in the lifestyle for years? Those that have been in that forever relationship, been owned lock, stock and barrel, and had it blow up?
I know, I know. Most of you wonderfully kinky, owned folks are reading that thinking “It won’t happen. Being owned is forever!”
What if it’s not though? Yes, being owned is like being married, some are both owned and married…but you can get a divorce. A collar can be taken off a throat. It’s scary to think about. It really is.
One also doesn’t want to go down that owned road with the mindset “Well, if this fails I’ll do ____ and ___,” At least most subs I talk to don’t. They think it undermines the relationship. Some do plan that way, but what about those who don’t?
There is not one single resource for newly unowned submissives/slaves. How do you deal with not being owned anymore? How do you get out of the owners routine, out of their control? How do you deal with being a mess? What if the ownership was so complete this person is now left with no money, no home and no job prospects? It happens.
When I was released I went to the EF forums to talk and vent. My friends were supportive but most of them have never lost an owner, and those who had didn't have advice on how to move on other than “time.”
Upon posting I was informed that some owners actually helped the property/sub/slave readjust. They helped them transition back into the world and out of their command. Which is great, but doesn’t always happen. So, I have put together a list of things that helped me. These wont work for everybody but it’s a jumping off point. If you have other ways of coping, please feel free to add them to the comments.
Give yourself a day or two, and see how you feel.
This sounds dumb to most, but I’m serious. The first day or two you’re going to be out of sorts. You’re going to be upset. But on the fourth day, maybe the fifth how do you really feel? I thought I’d be upset forever.
Four days in, I realized I wasn’t upset anymore. I wasn’t crying anymore. I was relieved. The year had been a roller coaster, and I was off of it.
Cleanse your house/apartment/room.
No, I don’t mean get out the bleach or a sage bundle. I mean go through the place and remove things that remind you of him. Be it presents he gave you, toys you used or that blanket he always curled up under.
Don’t toss it out! Just put it away in a spare room or closet. Give yourself a month or more until you can look at the items without feeling an emotional tug, and then decide whether or not you’re keeping them.
Talk to a logical friend.
The night it happened for me I talked to a friend’s Master. Of course my friend had been telling him what was happening every time I ranted to her. He was in the know. I talked to him and he went through the list of why I would be okay, of why things hadn’t been good lately and various other things.
It helped. My first instinct was to defend my owner. By the end I realized my friend’s Master was right. It hurt, but he was right.
Do things for you.
Go out and buy that food you loved and he hated. Go get those sheets or ridiculously priced bath stuff. Cut your hair or let it grow longer. Do what you want to do. Take care of yourself. Learn to put yourself first again.
Go through the rules that he gave you.
Decide if there are any you want to keep.
Were you on a diet that made you healthier than you had been? Did he implement anything that made you feel better than you had been before? If so, try keeping it. Tweak it to your own tastes and wants, but try keeping it. It’s all about you, and if it helps you then it’s yours, not his.
Take your time getting back into the “scene.”
It will always be there waiting for you. If you need a few months off to heal over those gaping wounds left behind then take it.
Keep in touch with friends from the community. They can be really supportive. But be aware of your mental and emotional state, and take stock of whether or not you’re ready to go back.
I tried going back too soon and totally broke down. It was still connected to him. Take some time to disconnect that.
As always results may vary.
What worked for me may not work for you. Whether you had a Dom/Domme/Master/Owner/Top/etc., there will be something that works for you. You just have to take the time to find it.
Sometimes curling up in a ball and licking your wounds helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Breakups are all hard whether it’s vanilla or kinky. There are just different issues to contend with.
It will take time. For a while you will still go to do things your owners way, will still instinctively follow rules and/or still feel like theirs. Push through it. Us submissive types feel things deeper than most. We are also stronger than most. You have to be in this lifestyle. You’ll make it through!