This morning I took the “Do you have a bad-girl side?” quiz in Cosmo and according to them I totally don’t. Which is misleading, according to my therapist. This is why I’m making up my own “Bad Girl” quiz just for you. Let’s get started:

1. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done in bed?

A. Ate crackers.

B. Reverse-cowgirl.

C. Stabbed a hobo.

2. What’s your idea of a perfect date?

A. Watching Sleepless in Seattle with Steve, my cat.

B. Getting matching tattoos of each other’s names.

C. Getting matching tattoos of each other’s names on the orphans we just stole.

3. You have a spare 5 minutes. You decide to make:

A. Toast.

B. Love.

C. A pipe bomb.

4. Your idea of foreplay includes:

A. Candles and rose-petals.

B. Handcuffing him to the bed and losing the key.

C. Forced amputation.

5. “A” is for:

A. Affection.

B. Arousal.

C. Arson.

6. You’ve been called:

A. “A total sweetheart.”

B. “A sexy minx.”

C. “Accessory to commit grand theft auto.”

7. Do you think you have a “bad girl side”?

A. No way. Steve thinks I’m awesome!

B. Well, not anymore.

C. According to my parole officer I do.

D. Hells. Yes.

E. Dude. I don’t even have a vagina. I’m only taking this quiz because my girlfriend says this is “quality time”. I better get a hand job out of this at least.

Tabulating your results: Give yourself one point for every time you answered “A”. Give yourself 8 points every time you gave someone bad directions on purpose. Give yourself 3 points every time you used a canvas bag at the grocery shop instead of plastic bags. Subtract 10 points for every time you glared at me at the grocery shop for not using canvas bags, you judgmental hippy. Now ignore all your points because in the end the only answer that matters is the last one. Do you think you’re a bad girl? Well then you are. Or aren’t. Whichever. Honestly, you really don’t need a quiz to tell you that. I probably should have just skipped this whole post and just written “Do you have a bad girl side? Answer: Maybe.”

Lesson learned.