That’s because I was involved in a terrible sex scandal with several important celebrities (who shall remain nameless because I think this has all been exploited in the tabloids quite enough without me adding to it) but I would like to just clarify a few things:

1. Those animals were there of their own accord, and had nothing to do with anything. This is just what happens when you get photographed in a private embrace that happened to take place at the circus. Also, please note that it was after-hours and not DURING circus hours. Because that would be illegal.

2. The only animals that were actually out of their cages were some camels and I was not responsible for inviting them. No one would intentionally invite female camels to an orgy. Honestly, people. WHAT WOULD THEY EVEN DO? I have no idea how those camels got there, but I suspect they were just watching because they’re voyeurs. Those camels are the ones you should be pointing fingers at.

3. It’s not an orgy unless there are at least 10 people there. This is all basic math. So, no. It was not an orgy.

4. Half of the people arrested were not actively participating and thus, they do not count. They were just there because they paid to watch.


5. No, they did not pay me. Because I’m not a whore. They paid the camel trainer, who assured me the money would go to charity. So, if anything, I was helping America.

6. Some tabloids have shown photos of what appears to be photos of me wearing a dress made of vaginas. That is ridiculous. Where would I ever get that many vaginas? Who would sew them? Where would we put the zippers? The dress was made of fake, sex-toy vaginas, and I was wearing it as a political statement. About the mistreatment of vaginas. In fashion (Patent-pending).

7. No, I am not concerned that I’m pregnant with the love child of Seth Rogen, and frankly, I don’t appreciate the allegations. I wear overalls one day and suddenly I’m pregnant? That’s called profiling, assholes.

8. I was never “forcibly arrested for indecent exposure.” I went willingly. And when I signed the guilty plea, I thought it was paperwork approving the sale of the videotape.

9. There is no videotape that exists of this ludicrous adventure, and if one shows up, it was certainly not leaked by me. It was probably leaked by those camels. Someone should question those camels.

10. I have no idea how all that cocaine got in my trunk. My guess is that it was left by a drug lord.

11. I have no idea how that drug lord got in my trunk. Frankly, I don’t even know how he fit in there with all that cocaine. Also, I was not involved in his murder. My guess is that he died of natural causes, after falling on a knife, probably after trying to rip off some poor defenseless woman who he assumed wouldn’t realized she was being grossly overcharged for a week’s worth of cocaine. I’ve never met the guy, but he looked like the kind of person who’d try to over-charge you for cocaine. Probably.


Disclaimer: I was actually off for a few weeks because I had some deadlines that were looming and so I spent the last two weeks working in front of a computer. I did take some breaks to sleep, buy groceries, and change the cat litter. But I’ve always wanted to write a work excuse like this one, so now I can check that off my life list. I apologize for the real story being so boring.

Next on the life list? Sex tape filmed by camels. Cocaine optional.