May 14, 2009

An open letter to husbands and boyfriends about the guys we (surprisingly) DO and DON’T want to have sex with

by The Bloggess

This week, the Bloggess makes us hip to all the celebs that women want to get down with...that the guys didn't know about.

Guys you assume we want to have sex with but actually we totally don’t:

• Tom Cruise
• Fabio
• Ashton Kutcher
• Our second best male friend at work who actually *is* gay but you don’t believe us
• The guy at the gym whose neck is larger than his head and he can’t put his arms down
• Carrot Top (I don’t even know why I need to clarify this)
• That same secretary at my job that you think is hot, and yeah, I know she’s not a dude but I’ve seen you ogle her and trust me, I could tap that. You couldn’t.
• That’s not a dare, by the way.
• Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka
• Your other brother

PS. Yes, I’m aware that the list of people I’d do is longer than the list of people I wouldn’t do but that doesn’t mean I’m a whore. It means I’m *agreeable*.

PPS. I know I promised you something even more disturbing than clown porn this week but it was so completely fucked up that I can’t even convey it without using my hands so I’m going to have to do a video. An amateur video RE: disturbing porn. For a sex site.

This is all going on my resume.

But what do you think, America? The Bloggess wants to know who YOU would most want to have sex with--vote now!