January 14, 2010

The Bloggess: Four things to never joke about with your man.

by The Bloggess

My grandmother does not read this column. This is unsurprising, given the fact that this is a sex column and she’s my grandmother, but I recently tried to explain to her that there’s really nothing different about my column than anything you’d read in Cosmo Magazine.

Part 1: Four things to never joke about with your man

1. Telling him that his dog is dead when really it isn’t. Trust me, they never laugh at this. And even when you tell them that it’s just a joke, they still don’t laugh. And then when they say, “That’s not funny” you should be all “I know. What’s really funny is that your dog really is dead.” (It’s funny because it’s unexpected.) But not unexpected to you, obviously, since you’re the person who just ran over it. You’d think a guy would appreciate a little levity when being told about his dog dying, but no. They’re total dicks about it.

2. The time he “experimented” at camp with that other guy. You especially shouldn’t joke about this if he only told you about it when he was drunk. It’s apparently even less funny if you find a way to insert into the Thanksgiving prayer at his parents house. Probably because I couldn’t stop laughing enough to get to the punch-line. And also I was too drunk to come up with a punch-line. Still, it was pretty funny.

3. His penis. Unless you’re talking about how huge it is. Men are usually okay with that. Except that that isn’t really funny at all. Unless maybe you said how huge it is and then said “Ha! Just joking!” But then really that’s only funny to you and to all the people who are at dinner with you.

4. Cunnilingus. Specifically, how much better his brother is at cunnilingus. Mainly because men don’t actually know what “cunnilingus” means. Then you have to explain that it’s Latin for “muff-diving”. And then the joke is ruined because you had to explain it to him. And also now he’s pissed because he just realized you’re cheating on him with his brother. Or maybe he’s mad because you just explained cunnilingus to him and he already knew what it was and was insulted that you felt the need to describe it. Hell, I don’t know. I just know he was pissed. I’m not a goddamn mind-reader.

Join me next week when I tackle a (hopefully) easier subject: The Magic Words That Makes Him Tell You the Truth.