Me: Okay, look at this video.

Chris: No.

Me: But it’s for work.

Chris: The last time you told me to watch a video for your work it was for a parody of The Human Centipede.

Me: The Human Sexipede. I’m broadening your horizons.

Chris: You’re giving me nightmares.

Me: But this one has no nudity. Plus? Unicorns!

Chris: *sigh* Fine.



Chris: What. the fuck. did I just watch?

Me: I know, right? I’m thinking of using it on my sex column but I can’t even tell if it’s porn or not.

Chris: First of all, I hate you. Secondly, I need to go take a shower now. And to go write myself a note reminding me not to ever watch anything you want to show me again.

Me: The really unsettling part is that he keeps grabbing the sword by the blade. He’s a terrible samurai.

Chris: No. The really unsettling part is that you made me watch a possibly-pornographic video of a naked samurai unicorn AND WHY ARE YOU PLAYING IT AGAIN?!

Me: I can’t stop watching it. Are his muscles painted on? I think they are. They’re not even real muscles. I feel totally gypped.

Chris: Yeah, he’s probably not even a real unicorn.

Me: Or a real samurai. THIS GUY’S A DAMN LIAR.

Chris: Plus, he seems to have some sort of problem standing still.

Me: Maybe he has some sort of palsy?

Chris: Awesome. Now I feel guilty for judging a grown man dressed as a samurai unicorn. This is why no one wants to hang out with you.

Me: Technically, that’s just one of many reasons.