Yesterday I got this comment on my blog:

“Good post! Dude, a friend of mine has been trying to increase Ejaculation Volume. He tries semen volume pills to increase production, volume and flavor.”

My first thought was...

“Dear God, let this be spam.” My second thought was that this must be a joke because no one actually wants more semen. But then I went to the website and turns out that men are actually buying these pills because they want to “shock a woman with your enormous semen production”. Um…yeah. We don’t actually want that. I mean, I know it’s the thought that counts, but the thought that you are intentionally taking drugs so you can “drown your woman with bucket-loads of semen” is kind of making me want to throw up. Like, a lot. No one needs bucket-loads of semen, y’all. In fact, I can tell you that in all my years of hearing chicks complain about their men, not a single one has ever said “My man would be great if only he could just make more semen.” You know why? Because none of us want more semen. For real. If anything, a little less would be nice. There’s a reason why no one wants to sleep in the wet spot, dude. Just stop it, already. You’re making it worse.

Things women would prefer instead having “bucket-loads of semen dumped on them”:

1. Flowers.
2. Jewelry.
3. For you to stop throwing rolled-up straw wrappers down our cleavage at restaurants.
4. Molten lava.
5. Pretty much anything.

If you really want to impress your girl, just do this:

Look her in the eyes like you’re seeing her for the first time, say “I bet you have no idea how beautiful you are”, kiss her in that way where your hands are on her face instead of her boobs, give her a smoldering look, lightly press your lips to her on the forehead while you inhale deeply. Then just walk away. Now go load the dishwasher.

That? Was like a billion times sexier than getting slimed by a barrel of semen.

You’ll just have to trust me on this one.