January 28, 2010

Do Not Make a Sex Tape, You Idiot.

by The Bloggess

This month I’m writing my column based on Cosmo Magazine titles to prove to my grandmother that this column is just as socially acceptable as Cosmo and that she should really stop telling her friends that I'm doing missionary work in Zimbabwe for a living. I don’t even know where Zimbabwe is, granny. So, onto today’s subject…

Ten Reasons Not To Make a Sex Tape:

1. Really? Have you even thought this out at all?

2. You’re going to look fat. Even if you are stick-thin you are going to look fat.

3. All those noises you make in the middle of an orgasm? They’re actually kind of disturbing when you listen to them later.

4. It’s going to end up on the internet.

5. Your parents/children will see it. I know. You’re thinking “So what? I’m an independent person and I’m not ashamed of my sexuality”. And guess what? You’re totally right and I bet your parents agree with you. Hang on. Let me slip in the raunchy sex tape your parents made. Okay, stop throwing up. I’m just messing with you. But that revulsion you just felt? That’s exactly how everyone else in your family feels when they hear about your sex tape.

6. The production values will be substandard at best.

7. Later when you break up, the jilted party will take the tape and re-dub it so that it sounds like the other person is farting loudly throughout the whole sex tape.

8. Then that person will upload the farting sex video to YouTube out of sheer spite and anger.

9. Five minutes later that same person will realize in horror that they’ve just uploaded a sex video of themselves fucking a farting person onto the internet and that now it’s been downloaded and forwarded a million times.

10. That horrified person that just uploaded the farting sex video? Was you. You. idiot.