Every month I’m flooded with emails from people sending me bizarre shit with the subject line “I can’t send this to anyone but you”. I’ve chosen to take this as a compliment. One that benefits us all. “Benefits” might not be the best word here.

The top 10 strangest things people sent me this month:

1. "Come over and meet my self-fellating chinchillas, then we'll make vagina cupcakes!"

2. Unicorn Man Glamour Shots. I don’t even know what to say here, y’all.

3. The 11 funniest unintentionally sexual books of all time.

4. Pornographic magazine for the blind. Honestly? It’s fucking terrifying.

5. One can never have enough “jizz”. Oh, wait. Yes. One can.

6. Semi-autobiographical book about a man who has a relationship with a dolphin. Not making this shit up, people.

7. You got your vagina in my cocaine! You got your cocaine in my vagina! Half of the people reading this are too young to get that reference. The other half just want me to stop.

8. “For ages 5+ years”. Wow.

9. Totally fucking terrifying. But then scroll down to the same picture with the googly eyes. Totally fucking adorable. Conclusion: Googly eyes fix everything. Except for Unicorn Man. Nothing’s gonna fix that shit.

10. We’re probably all going to go to hell.

Bonus: At a certain point you just have to admire that level of confidence.