Yes, I realize the month has just begun but that doesn't change the fact that I am already flooded with bizarre links to the sorts of things that make you laugh, cringe, and scratch your head in bafflement. The Internet is a fascinating place. Fascinating and horrifying. One more than the other. I'm not going to say which. Let get started, shall we?

The Top 10 Strangest Things People Sent Me This Month:

1. You're doing it all wrong.

2. “You can't beat the axis if you get VD.” Yeah…unless you give them VD. Way to not think outside the box, U.S. govt.

3. “The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the 'Beat It' video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness…I'M NOT GAY.” Well, obviously.

4. Someone sent me this in an email labeled “disturbing p0rn”. This isn't porn, y'all. Wait…is it porn? Fuck. I have no idea. Now I have a headache.

5. Vajazzing Porn. Comes with sparkles for your vagina. Although if you have access to a sparkly vagina you probably don't need the porn. I may be missing the point here.

6. 3-D porn. I don't even want to think about the money shot on this one.

7. “UFOPORNO!” I can't stop yelling this.

8. “It is our deepest hope that this product will add some spark and spontaneity into your marriage, and create a new way to share intimacy in the marriage bed as God intended.” I don't think God intended for you to dress your penis up in a pirate outfit. Maybe I missed that part of the Bible.

9. No. Just…no.

10. You can tell your boss that it's educational. Sort of.