Turnabout is grounds for divorce
So last week I wrote a list of the strange-looking men that women still totally want to have sex with and was shocked, not only by how many women also wanted to sleep with Eddie Izzard in full drag, but also by how big of a fight I would get in with my husband when he read my list because apparently he’s very insecure and also because he is an asshole. I say he’s an asshole because he thought it was very one-sided and I’m all “Because men would do anyone, so there’s no point in examining a male perspective," and then he started listing hot women that he wouldn’t do and he’s all “Like Sarah Jessica Parker. Or that old, horny chick on Sex in the City. Or Miranda. I wouldn’t do any of them” and I’m all “Okay, fine just don’t start talking about Charlotte because I already know-“ and he’s all “Oh, Charlotte I would totally have sex with. Like, I’d do things to her-“ and I’m all “Okay, that’s enough” and he’s like “And you know who else I’d totally do?” and no, I don’t know because that’s when I walked out.
But he’s probably right so that’s why I got on Twitter and asked thousands of men (and several reliable lesbians) which strange-looking chicks they’re a little ashamed of fantasizing about and holy shit y’all. Here’s a partial list of chicks that came up numerous times (plus a few direct quotes because *wow*.)
Weird-looking chicks your man might totally want to plow:
Barbara Walters
Amy Winehouse
Ann Coulter
Abby on NCIS
Sandra Bernhardt
Rachel Maddow
Janis from the Muppets
Olive Oyl
Lois Griffin
Meg Griffin
Jasmine from Aladdin
Lady GaGa
Mama Cass
Suze Orman
Dr. Cuddy from House
Janeane Garofalo
“Tilda Swinton. I think she could show me a thing or two about the vulva.”
“I would totally plow Hillary Clinton if it ever came up. And by *it*, I mean my junk.”
“I'd wear Jackie Stallone like a hockey mask.”
“I think Bjork would be on my list, it would be like making love to a muppet.”
“I think my answer this week is the same as last. I'd plow Eddie Izzard in a dress. Hard.”
“That weird looking woman from The Closer”
“Christina Ricci, who resembles a gray alien.”
“That chick from that old band 4 Non Blondes, the singer chick, with the top hat and goggles. I am just saying.”
“I know someone mentioned the Muppets, but seriously? I'm doing it with Ms. Piggy.”
“Pearl from MST3K, all of the Golden Girls, and Condoleezza Rice.”
“I would do Paula Deen to hear her scream "do me harder" in Southern accent. Hopefully, she would also serve chicken pot pie.”
So then I asked them what totally hot chick they would NOT sleep with and the silence was deafening. Like, I got no response whatsoever for several minutes but it turns out it’s because I BROKE TWITTER with all the guys screaming about how much they do not want to bone Paris Hilton. So listen up, chicas:
Hot chicks your man surprisingly does not want to have sex with:
Paris Hilton
Pamela Anderson
Madonna
Megan Fox
Heidi Klum
Miss California
Lindsay Lohan
Nick Jonas
“My mom”
“Your mom”
“Alyssa Milano, Natalie Portman or any other vegetarian. Mostly on account of the gas.”
“Angelina Jolie = Like doing a bag of wire hangers.”
“Snow white because of all the creepy midgets watching”
And my own personal, awkward favorite: “I would not do it to Julia Roberts.”
Awesome.
PS. I just want to point out that the list of girls that guys would sleep with is significantly longer than the list of girls they would not sleep with and that is because they are all whores and need to stop telling me what they want to do to Charlotte because honestly I don’t even care anymore and did you know that she has the type of gonorrhea that makes you have explosive diarrhea? They call it “explosive gonnodiarrhea” and it’s fatal. I read it in Newsweek. Also, she likes to rape cats. So good luck making it with a cat raper, asshole.*
*Legal disclaimer: I may have made up that last paragraph or maybe I just dreamed it.
It’s probably still true though.