So apparently the newest thing in vaginas is alarm clocks.

Go back. Read that again.

Vaginal. Alarm clock.

I’ll admit, at first it sounds intriguing…a vibrating alarm clock shoved up your lady parts. Who wouldn’t want that? Answer: Any sane woman.

And here’s why.

1. It looks like a turkey thermometer.

2. I hardly ever remember to set my alarm, much less set it, clean it, and insert it in my vagina.

3. Who wants to own an alarm clock that’s been in a vagina?

4. You probably aren't the only one in the house who needs to wake up. What about when it’s your day off but your husband needs to wake up at 5am? I don’t even want to imagine that discussion.

5. There’s a clock in it. “Honey, what time is it?” “Oh hold on. LET ME CHECK MY VAGINA.” No.

And truthfully, all of those reasons are really more my opinion than fact, but here’s a real concern: When I was a kid, my mom woke me up every morning by singing Doris Day songs. As a result, I now can’t hear Doris Day without wanting to yell “BITCH, STOP SINGING AND LET ME SLEEP.” Imagine that same scenario, except instead of hating Doris Day you learn to hate orgasms. Could it happen? I have no idea. I’m not a Sleep Scientist.

My guess is “Maybe.”