Shit you guys. My son is 13. He just started 8th grade. I remember 8th grade.

I remember doing things in 8th grade that would make most adults I know blush.

And while I have talked to my son openly about sex, sexuality, and relationships all of his life, I cannot help but remember that there are some things that teens just aren’t prepared for.

But it’s weird because whenever I think of one of these things, just as I am about to bring it up, I stop myself. It doesn’t feel right to talk to my offspring about the finer points of proper fingering.

It was always okay to talk to him about sex as an abstract- some far off thing that he’d get around to some day. And I know he hasn’t gotten there yet, and he may even wait for quite a while before he even starts kissing girls, but I find myself completely confused by just how much stuff I would have been better off knowing had an adult just had the balls to tell it to me.

Some of this stuff is so basic. Some of it seems cut and dry. Easy. But every one of the things on this list are things that I have tried to mention, but always stopped short at. Some of them probably seem a bit risqué, even for the EdenFantasys crowd. But, dammit, I think they’re important. Not life threatening, but important.

This month’s episode takes the focus away from my dating life. (Don’t worry. I have plenty of dirt to dish on that.) Instead we look at five things I personally feel it would be good for a teen boy to know. There were some things that didn’t make the list, like, “Vagina is an acquired taste.” And “Sex doesn’t automatically cause disease and babies.”, because I have a feeling he has already read that in my book.

And who knows, maybe he’ll google me some day and find this video, but I doubt it. We live in weird times, and technology makes stuff like that possible, but I don’t think my name is at the top of his google list. His search history is mainly filled with junk about paintball. But just in case, “Son, this is your mother. Clean your room, and listen to these sex tips.”