Last week someone emailed me an article about women who are undergoing plastic surgery of the vagina. The subject line was “Saw this and thought of you” and I was all “What in the fuck are you implying?” but then she explained that she sent me the article because she wanted my opinion on it and not as some sort of vague insult. Which is good because my vagina happens to be awesome, thankyouverymuch. Or possibly it’s not. I don’t actually know because to be honest with you, I’m not even entirely certain what mine looks like. I suspect it looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting but with less leaves. Frankly, I’ve never given it much thought until I read this article, which I think gave my vagina some sort of a complex. Awesome.
The article talks about women wanting the surgery so their vagina will look “elegant,” which is a bit baffling because I’ve never seen anyone’s junk that I would describe as looking “elegant.” And I’ve seen a lot of junk, y’all. Mostly because I shower at the gym. Not because I’m a gigantic whore. But in all my times of seeing naked chicks in the shower I’ve never once thought to myself “Wow. Now that is an elegant vagina!” Maybe I’m going to the wrong gym but I doubt it. I did once say “Nice necklace” though, which was kind of weird because who wears a necklace in the shower? Granted, it’s also a little weird that I complimented a naked stranger’s jewelry, but I figured that if she went to the trouble to wear it in there she probably wanted someone to remark on it. It’s kind of a cry for attention. Much like getting plastic surgery on your hoo-ha. And now we’ve come full circle.
I guess what I’m saying is that having cosmetic surgery on your vagina seems kind of ridiculous. It’s like getting a tattoo on the inside of your eyelid. It might be pretty but it’s awfully hard to show off at parties. Also, I think it’s suspicious that the same time that doctors started pushing vagina-surgery they also started claiming that the G-spot doesn’t exist. I can only assume that’s because they accidentally cut a bunch of them off during the surgeries and now they’re trying to cover their tracks.
In conclusion? Just say no to carving up your vagina, y’all.* It looks fine. Slimming, even. I can’t believe I’m even having to give this advice.
*Unless it’s to add pockets. I’d support vagina surgery to add pockets. One never has enough pockets.**
**Except that technically I guess the vagina kind of is a pocket. Huh. So never mind then. No vagina carving unless your vagina is actually getting in the way of you living your life, in which case you should totally get it fixed or possibly even removed. No one wants an abusive vagina.