January 03, 2011

Sex “Don’ts” for the New Year

by Midori

Welcome to 2011! Do you have a long New Year’s resolution list? Lose weight, get in shape, save money, have more sex, switch political parties, move to Canada or perhaps give Kim Jong-il a sexy tickle until his wiki leaks?

Regarding Names ...

If you’re bad with names, don’t call out any during sex. It’s likely to get you into trouble. Sex partners tend to be hypersensitive to being called other people’s names, especially the names of ex’s (both yours and theirs), as well as either your relatives or pets. When in doubt, acknowledge them with saucy terms of endearment such as stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such.

* If your lover never calls you by your name, instead always calling you stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such, don’t ask them to say your real name during sex. Awkward times 10.

* Don’t call out “Who’s your Daddy?” in the voice of Elmer Fudd, or Darth Vader.

* Don’t respond to impassioned sexual requests by saying: “Yes, Lord Vader.”

Also Resolve Never To:

* Die during sex. It’s rude and think of the poor person who will have to tell your mom.

* Play dead while hoping your partner will go away.

* Put on a clown costume, unannounced and without prior agreement.

* Check other people’s Tweets or FaceBook status.

* Forget that you’re having sex and start doing something else, like watching the game on TV.

* Protest the lousy call that the referee or umpire made during the game on TV, no matter how blind and stupid the official may have been.

* Ask your lover how you compare to their exes or other lovers.

* Forget to wash your hands after handling spicy foods or hot muscle ointments.

* Launch a surprise backdoor invasion. If you’re prone to this, give up sex and take up a hobby that doesn’t require lube or consent, such as terrorism or illegal invasions of foreign countries.

* Discuss your history of therapy, abuse, bad breakups, recovery programs, stalking or being stalked.

Finally , Also Promise that You Will Refrain from ...

* Drawing dotted butcher lines on a lover’s skin with a Sharpie.

* Discussing previously undisclosed STIs or other communicable diseases.

* Dismissing any comments about sores and unusual discharges in your genitals.

* Laughing at a lover, rather than with them.

If you can manage to not do most of these, you can congratulate yourself for being … um … well, we’ll think of something. Hooray for cheap validation!