Every so often I check out Cosmo since they’re kind of the pre-eminent sex column writers just to see if I can guess what the article is about just based on the title and my sex-columnist expertise alone. This week’s top column was entitled “The Six Worst Things You Can Say to a Guy” and I’m pretty sure I nailed this one.

The six worst things you can say to a guy (according to me):

1. “You have cancer. Of the penis.”

2. “Hey, sweetie. I burned down your house while you were out of town this weekend because I heard some girl on your answering machine and I thought you were cheating on me. I had no idea that was your sister until way later. Sorry.”

3. “Also, I may have stabbed your sister a few times. Then she killed your dog. By proxy. You know, because he was in the house when I set fire to it after she was provoking me to commit arson by accidentally making me think that you deserved it. She’s a terrible person. If anything, you should be thanking me.”

4. “Remember that night of heavy drinking when you had those 18 shots of whiskey in a row? Yeah. You’ve been in a coma for the last 73 years. Welcome to your catheter.”

5. “I don’t want to alarm you but all of your arms and legs have just fallen off.”

6. “I’m sorry, but your mother just died. Of hereditary penis cancer.”

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Okay, so I just went and checked Cosmo and none of their answers had to do with arson or penis cancer or dog murder. Which I think means I’m a terrible sex columnist or that the people of Cosmo just don’t have very good imaginations. I’m going with the second one.