A few months ago my friend Ali mentioned that she’d never been to a sex party and I looked at her strangely and she quickly said, “Oh. Not that kind of sex party. I mean the kind where a bunch of women get together and buy sex toys instead of Tupperware.” Then I was all, “Oh, yeah. Me either,” and I considered clarifying that I’d also never been to that other kind of sex party either but at a certain point you just start to sound defensive. Instead I mentioned that since I work for a sex toy company maybe they could send me some stuff and we could have a pre-Valentine’s Day sex party for some of our girlfriends and I could write about it. And so we did.
I asked EdenFantasys if they would send me a box of their most bizarre stuff and they did not disappoint me. When the forty-pound box was delivered I spent much of the day looking up the various devices online because I honestly wasn’t entirely sure what in the hell they all were. I won’t elaborate but I will say that the women leaving the party were extremely happy with their gift bags and that this is the first party I’ve ever gone to where someone made home-made tits-and-ass cookies.
I did, however, put together a short report card of the best (and worst) of the bunch:
Glass dildo juicer:
Not only is it pretty enough to put on your mantle, but its unique head makes it look almost exactly like a fancy blown-glass juicer so you can give it to your haughty mother-in-law for Christmas and enjoy a private internal laugh at her expense every time she makes fresh-squeezed juice with a dildo.
RATING = AWESOME
We weren’t entirely sure what these were for but Ali pointed out they’d make a great head-rest on a long plane ride and would also make fairly suitable water-wings for kids learning how to swim.
RATING = More than fine
Inflatable man doll:
Okay, first of all, the guy on the box is blonde and smarmy and relatively hairless. The doll that came in this box looked like a hairy Charles Bronson, if Charles Bronson had been run over by a car and had lost his penis in the aftermath. Seriously, where is the penis? Isn’t that kind of the whole purpose of a blow up sex doll? It’s like buying a coffee table from IKEA but when you get it home you find out it’s just a box of squirrels.
RATING = Baffling, at best
Overall I’d say throwing a sex party is something everyone should try once. It’s fun, strange, entertaining, embarrassing and uncomfortable all at once, and alcohol makes it way more enjoyable. Although you’re never sure if it’s going to be awkward the next time you see the people you were with, in a public setting. So basically it’s a lot like that other kind of sex party, except with more cookies and no one gets VD.