Last week I got an email from a girl wanting advice about what to do with “unruly vagina hair.”
Answer? I have no fucking idea. Honestly. I don’t know. What I do know is that every single one of my friends does something different and that they are all way too willing to share what they do with it.
Advice from my friends about what you should do with your pubic hair…
Laurie: “Brazilian. That’s the only way to go. But don’t eat beans before you go because when they wax your butthole you have to pull your legs up to your chest and you might fart on them. I know someone who farted on their waxer three times in a row. Once or twice is just careless, but the third time you’re totally doing it on purpose.”
Janet: “I don’t understand the bikini wax thing. You don’t get your legs waxed so why wax your vagina? Seems fetishy to me. I just shave. But then you have to keep it shaved or else you’ll itch like you have crabs and then you worry that you really have crabs. But I didn’t. I’ve never had crabs. Don’t use my real name, okay?”
Barbara: “I let mine grow naturally. I mean, eventually it stops growing on it’s own. It’s not like you find women with pubic hair so long that they have to put it up in a bun, right? If it got long enough that I had to use barrettes, though, I’d probably reconsider.”
Janine: “I’m a big fan of ’70s bush. I fluff it with a hair-pick and pretend it’s an afro. I’m really into multi-culturalism right now.“
Mary: “I once tried to burn it all off because hair burns so fast, but then my mom came home and she was like, “Why does it smell like burning hair? Did you burn your hair?!” and I told her, “Of course not!” but I was blushing and I’m pretty sure that she guessed that I tried to start a brush fire in my vagina. Mostly because I walked funny for a week until the skin healed. You shouldn’t set fire to your vagina.”
Shawnda: “Shears. For real. I used garden shears and cut off a piece of my labia. True story. It grew back, though. Apparently labias are like starfish. They regenerate. Or maybe it’s just my vagina. I might have a magical regenerating vagina. I don’t really know.”
Frank: I don’t have a vagina. I don’t even know why you’re asking me this.