Thoughts During Terrible Sex:

Why does it smell like hotdog water in here?

I should really dust that ceiling fan.

The only way this could get worse is if somebody I know dies right at this moment.

Is it even in?

This doesn't count.

Shit. I think I heard the remote slide behind the bed.

So If I Call Now, & Order One Gallon Of OxiClean, They'll Send Me A Free One Too? ONLY THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF 19.99??

Wow. You really think you are doing something, huh?

Should I call an ambulance? Is he having a seizure or is this normal.

Maybe I should go back to my ex.

I’m getting humped on the leg by your dog. He’s doing it better than you.

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

Oh, right. THIS is why I prefer girls.

I can’t believe I'm letting someone beat me at "Words With Friends" for this.

That’s it. I'm going to have to unfollow him after this.

I could have done this by myself better.

STOP MAKING THAT STUPID NOISE.

I wonder where Beyonce stores all her wigs?

There's no way I'm paying for this.

I should have gone home with a burger instead.

Phone ring. Come on, phone ring.

I could SO be playing Call of Duty right now.

I need an excuse to stop this. I got it!" - "Ummm, hold on, baby... I gotta tie my shoe."

Her boobs look like old socks with more old socks balled up in ‘em. That’s too many socks.

My high is officially blown.

I wonder if I could pretend to have an asthma attack. I’m not a good actor.

Maybe I should fake a cramp...

I really took being the wingman too far.

If tell her to get on top maybe I can take a nap.

What in the hell are you doing?

Whoa. There’s like 15 cats staring at us.

Would it be awkward if I turned on the tv?

If I was a wizard I could just apparate out of here.

Might as well tweet this.

Aren’t we done yet?

I didn’t even know it was possible to fuck up a blow job that much. Wow. That’s sort of impressive.

Ashton Kutcher is about to jump out this vagina. BECAUSE CLEARLY I'M BEING PUNK'D.

I hope she doesn’t think I’m screaming because it’s good.

Is she chewing? Oh no, it's fine. Her dentures have worked their way loose.

I should’ve had a V-8.