So you’ve always been curious about BDSM and are ready to give it a go, huh? Or maybe you’ve read “50 Shades of Grey” and think that some of things in it sound pretty hot. But you have no idea where to begin or what any of the terms that you’re reading about online mean. Well I’m going to try and help enlighten you and provide a little “BDSM 101” and hopefully answer some of your questions. I’m not pretending to be an expert by any means, but I hope that I can provide some assistance. I thought that I would go through a couple of terms that are popular, scenarios you might encounter and some of the items used and then give brief explanations about them, very much an intro course and you can decide where you want to study further!
Bondage- I’m sure you’re pretty familiar with bondage in general, but one can be bound in all sorts of things. It’s not just ropes and heavy restraints, a silk scarf or a neck tie are great things to use to restrain your partner without having to break the bank. If you find enjoy it you can purchase other products that are designed for bondage, handcuffs, ropes, spreader bars and the like. If you use handcuffs, make sure the key is handy or else there could be big trouble.
Dominant- A dominant is the person who exercises control within a BDSM relationship and often will perform acts upon the submissive, such as binding them, punishing them, etc. A dominant is not necessarily a sadist, though they can be that as well. A dominant does not hold all of the power because the submissive is giving their submission to the dominant and can end the scenario if they choose to do so by using a safe word, which will be addressed later.
Submissive- This is a person that surrenders control. They may be a masochist as well, they may not be, and the two terms are not intertwined, though one can be both. The submissive receives pleasure in giving up control and allowing the dominant to perform acts upon them, or enjoys the dominant forcing them to perform certain acts. A submissive, also often referred to as a sub, can end the scenario by using a safe word if they feel like their limits have been crossed.
Sadist- A sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others. They enjoy giving this pain, usually to a masochist. Being a sadist does not mean that someone is cruel or will push you past your limits. It simply means that they receive pleasure from inflicting pain on others. Sadists get a bad rap and sometimes are seen as too extreme, but that isn’t necessarily the case.
Masochist- A masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain. This can range from just a little bit of pain, such as a light spanking, to heavy pain depending on the person. This does not mean that masochists are pushovers or can be controlled very easily.
Bedroom Sub- This is a term that I’ve a few times through the years and it means that this person only engages in BDSM activities behind closed doors or in play situations. They are not practicing this lifestyle on a full-time basis and it doesn’t bleed into their “everyday” life.
TPE or 24/7- TPE stands for Total Power Exchange. In this situation the submissive has surrendered all control to the dominant. They practice this lifestyle not only in play situations or behind closed doors, but also in everyday life as well. This can been seen as pretty extreme with it being full-time and is not something I would think you jump into right away.
Safe word- Every time you engage in a BDSM activity you need to be clear about safe words. A safe word is usually some word that wouldn’t be said under normal circumstances and it is a signal that what is going on at the moment is either not okay or too intense and things need to stop, immediately. You can’t use a word like “no” or “stop” in this type of scenario, because while someone might be saying that they still might want more. And we don’t want ambiguity in this; we need something that is a clear signal. My wife’s safe word is “grapefruit” and even though we haven’t used it yet, if she were to say it during play I would know the scenario is stopped immediately and I check on her first and make sure she is okay and then we discuss what she wasn’t enjoying. Do not play until you are clear about safe words.
Blindfolds- Blindfolds are great and when in relation to sensory play can really be outstanding. If your partner is blindfolded and bound and then you run things like a feather over them, or ice both of you will probably enjoy it. The submissive doesn’t know what is coming and can’t see, so they can only feel and the dominant gets to see the reaction of the submissive and know what’s coming next.
Crop- A crop is a little bit like a cane except that it has a flat end on one side and the pain will be less sharp than that of a cane, but will still be felt. It’s more a thud-type sensation than the sting of a cane. It can be a light feeling or harder, depending on the force used and it can leave marks on the skin. There are all manner of crops on the market and finding the perfect one for you will take some time, but a crop is something that is not too extreme when experimenting with spankings/floggings, etc.
Whip/Flogger- I put these two together because while different, most of the time they are similar in what they actually are. Usually this will consist of a handle with attached “tails” probably the same length and thickness and made from various materials. I have seen floggers with leather tails, nylon tails, plastic tails and they are used to whip the body. This can cause a bite or be more of a tease; again depending upon the tool used the force applied behind it. Floggers can be intense items used to inflict pain, or can also be for sensation play.
There is so much more to BDSM than just pain, tying someone up, and more terms and items; that can explained in one article. This really just the tip of the iceberg, I haven’t even mentioned ball gags, collars, nipple clamps, orgasm denial, wax play, "subspace" or lots of other scenarios that can be had. Perhaps “BDSM 102” will have to come along soon. But for now enjoy this journey you’re starting on and remember the term that most in the BDSM realm play by: Safe, Sane and Consensual. Enjoy!