"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
It's easy to imagine it playing out perfectly; romantic setting, hands woven together, sharing soft kisses; embarking on this exciting new journey together. Things move to the bedroom where only soft music is heard in the background. The clothes slide off smoothly, anticipation is mounting; hands roam, hearts race, and the moment finally arrives. Moans, screams, fingernails scratching; you both cling to each other in post-passion bliss, so amazed by the incredible experience of your first time together.
Okay, while this might have been your incredible experience, it sure isn't like that for everyone. Just like learning about someone's background, their musical preference, and favorite food, it takes time to learn how to please your partner and often times how to vocalize what you like in bed. It's not often that you’ll have a mind blowing, over-the-top orgasmic experience the first time (or first few), but a little patience and an open mind can make the experience a lot easier.
Before you throw in the towel thinking you're sexually incompatible, keep in mind that like any new activity, the more you exercise patience and keep trying at it, the better the results you'll have. Think back to your first kiss. Was it movie quality, totally sweeping you off your feet? Mine sure wasn't! I nearly bit my first boyfriend on accident when he shoved his tongue in my mouth! These small hiccups aren't what we imagine when we think about our intimate experiences (you can thank the media for that one!), but time, honesty, and patience truly make the experience go much more smoothly.
When I first met my husband I was shocked that no one had snagged him by then. The first time I saw his face I was literally in awe of how beautiful he was. And this amazingly beautiful man wanted ME! I was amazed and excited and scared. I had only had sex with one person before, and after having two children, I was worried that I wouldn't measure up to what he was looking for. We had talked for a while about things before we were ready to take our relationship to the next level, and though he told me he didn't have much experience either, I was still concerned.
Our first time was what you would call and 'epic fail'. We undressed, were kissing, and I got on top of him. After a few minutes I realized that he wasn't maintaining an erection. I instantly felt panicked and did everything I could to fix it, but it just wasn't going to happen. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and as he got up to go to the bathroom, I quickly put my clothes on and wished I could run away from it. Something like that had never happened before. I felt like everything I had been worried about came true; he wasn't attracted to me and I couldn't give him what he needed.
He's never been a good communicator. When he saw that I had put my clothes on he was visibly upset. He asked me if I wanted him to leave and he seemed angry with me, so I told him to do whatever he wanted to do. Our first truly intimate experience quickly turned into our first fight. I broke down and couldn't fight the tears. This man that I had fallen for wasn't even attracted to me. I was heartbroken and was sure that our relationship was over with. When he saw that I was crying, he put his arms around me and we talked about it. It was difficult for me to accept the words that he was saying, but I did the best I could. He told me that he didn't know why it had happened, but it sure wasn't because of me.
The next few weeks we worked on other elements of our intimacy. Some things went smoothly, while other things turned into little bumps in the road. I was patient and did everything I could to understand our first-time failure. When he said he felt ready, we tried again and sadly, had the same results. This time I didn't panic as much, but it started to worry me. Was I ever going to be able to please this man through intercourse? Are we ever going to have a 'normal' sex life? Even with our rocky start, I loved him and was going to do everything it took to get it all figured out.
Our love grew stronger and my desire to be the best lover possible followed right along with it. Our first shower together was the turning point. He broke down and told me that the only time he actually climaxed with a girl, she laughed at him because it happened so quickly. I turned his face so he was looking directly into my eyes and I told him he didn't have to worry about that with me. I loved him and nothing like that would ever happen. We dried off and climbed into bed together. That night, we had three amazing hours of the best sex I had ever had! It wasn't me, I wasn't unattractive, and I didn't feel gross to him. He was clinging on to these horrible memories that prevented him from focusing on our experiences together.
Because he held on to those feelings, we dealt with a month long road of up and down emotions surrounding our sex life. Were we instantly compatible? No. Were we open with our feelings right away? Nope. Was it easy? Absolutely not! But in the end, through patience and honesty, we were able to eliminate the problem and have been able to create amazing, and yes, mind-blowing experiences together ever since!
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" That quote couldn't be truer for this type of situation! Just because things don't come naturally in the beginning, doesn't mean they won't eventually. Create an atmosphere that's welcoming of thoughts and feelings. Don't be afraid to express what you enjoy and take time to explore and enjoy every aspect of your partner. The biggest mistakes my husband and I made were our initial negative reactions and the fear he had about sharing his feelings. Communication is key. You probably hear that a lot, but it's true. The more open you are with your partner about your feelings, the better! And be equally open to theirs. If we didn't have that conversation in the shower that night, I have no idea where we would be today. But though his honestly and my patience and desire to work through it, we were able to resolve the issue and grow closer together because of it.
Great things can come from awkward beginnings; you just have to press on with honesty and diligence!